My stepdad very recently passed away following a rapid decline. For years, I've been the one sibling out of four children who has regularly visited my parents, helped them out, sent them cards and flowers and been a loving daughter. My sister has sometimes forgotten to send birthday or Christmas cards and they've been hurt by this but said nothing. Sometimes it was tough because my stepdad was slightly jealous of me being my mum's bio daughter but I didn't let this stop me from spending time with them.
Also, I've always held my stepdad in high esteem because my own father had been violent towards me as a child and disinherited me from his will (because I didn't apologise to him for ceasing contact with him), leaving EVERYTHING to my sister. My sister has been spiteful to me for about twenty years and I've not been able to have a meaningful relationship with her or her children. I've made numerous attempts to reconnect but two years ago, I stopped trying. I'm happier as a result of not having anything to do with her.
My older stepbrother was a bully as we grew up and once threw me through the garage door on to concrete. He's always been known as volatile and quite selfish/insecure. I've generally avoided him as much as possible.
About two months ago, I could see my parents were not coping by themselves and organised an occupational therapy assessment of their home. I'd also made contact with my mum's GP, Age Concern and the local support service for advice on how to get extra home help. They had both had falls at night and were becoming fractious with each other. The occupational therapist made some urgent referrals and I made contact with my stepbrothers to escalate that I needed help to look after their dad.
The older stepbrother said he would 'pop in' to see them whilst he was in the area on a mini-break. Afterwards, he called me to say he was concerned by what he'd seen but went home (100 miles away). Then my stepdad had a series of falls and ended up in hospital. Stepbrother now took things more seriously and arranged respite care for his father for two weeks.
Those two weeks gave my mum a chance to rest, tidy the house, allow me to cut her hair and feel more confident. I have to say she looked transformed and I was quietly very happy for her. Se started wearing jewellery again and found a cleaner and gardener. We got DIY jobs done that my stepdad had blocked for years.
The two weeks of respite care came to an end and my stepbrother called my mum and started pushing for my stepdad to be brought home. I was actually in the house putting up a bathroom blind at the time and I could hear the shouting on the phone. He was sounding very unreasonable with my mum and I could hear her making polite reasons why she wouldn't be able to cope with looking after my stepdad. She's 78.
I then get a text in a group chat from my stepbrother calling my mum selfish and 'all I'm hearing is selfish excuses' for why dad can't come home. He then became very bossy and said "We'll have to take shifts to bring him home and look after him". Very controlling and like a bull in a china shop.
I think it was at this point I became cross and stood up for my mum saying, "Please be civil and courteous, my mum has made a significant contribution to your dad's health for 31 years etc"
The next thing I know, he's tried to set the chat to disappearing messages, found out he can't, then made me an admin and left the group and blocked me.
My stepdad passed away that weekend (he broke his hip trying to reach for chocolates his son had given him and he already had a 'do not resuscitate' order in place). He never did come home.
The funeral has been arranged by my stepbrother. He's not sent me the details of the funeral and today, has sent the webcast link for the service to my mum and sister, but not me. My mum is having to forward all emails on to me so I have the information.
One of the memories I've written about my stepdad has been rehashed so it doesn't include my name or the most special part of the memory which was my stepdad giving me a huge hug just when I needed one in life.
I'm trying not to let this pettiness get to me and I've had a hypnotherapy session to keep me in a protective bubble for the funeral. Before hypnotherapy, I was having panic attacks at the thought of being in the same place as my stepbrother and spiteful sister. I'm in a better place now but still, I cannot wait to be shot of this horrible stepbrother so I can remember my stepdad with fondness.
I would really appreciate anyone's similar experiences or stories, and opinions of this situation.
.Lasr two letters continued Jan 24
