Why do I torture myself

If you read the OPs post @ 13.04 you will see that she says On the day of the wedding as I still had three sons living at home. She also has one son, who is the eldest, from whom she has been estranged on 2 separate occasions; one of those occasions being before his wedding. Nowhere does OP say that she is estranged from 2 of her children. Elless has given full disclosure of the timeline, circumstances and sequence of her situation if people take the time to read her post properly.

Elless your eldest DS obviously has form for cutting you and his father out of his life for periods of time; the latest one being a petty and childish excuse. As Smileless says, I'd not be too keen to let him back for a 3rd time; the hurt and pain he causes each time just gets worse because you're walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. Hard as it is to do, please just let him go. Concentrate on your health and recovery. You're far more important.

So the 2 year estrangement is from the oldest son too? If so, before the wedding?

Elless has had a two year estrangement from one son, not estrangement from two sons.

Sorry to hear you have had periods of estrangement from 2 sons Elless I hope you are able to come together again for another reconsiliation.

Good grief Elless what a horrible thing for your son to do to his own father. What was wrong with your DH hiring a suit for the day? A ridiculous and immature reaction from your son.

It sounds rather coincidental that he'd invited your brother, who you hadn't spoken too for almost 10 years. I wonder if he did this after telling his dad to not bother coming to the wedding. Obviously you'd find out after the event that he was there. It's rather like he wanted to rub salt into your wound.

So, this is not the first time he's estranged you. I'm so sorry and your experience is why I would never want to try and reconcile with our ES.

To be estranged once is bad enough, but twice by the same person!!!

There's nothing petty about your experience, nothing petty about it at all.

I do understand how it feels knowing that you're highly unlikely to ever have a relationship with your GS. Our only GC are our ES's children. It's heartbreaking but there's nothing you can do.

Thought it may be better to explain the whole story -

When my ES and his fiancee were planning their wedding they didn't request any input (ideas or financially). A while before the wedding my son came to our house and said to my husband 'we are meeting up on Saturday to go and buy our suits so can you leave it free' my son had said that he wanted everyone in blue suits and my husband stated that he had numerous suits (none blue) and did not want to buy a suit that he would never wear again, he would hire one if that was ok to which my son replied 'well don't bother coming to the wedding' and left. I expected for him to calm down in the following weeks and contact us but he never did he just contacted his brothers and confirmed with them that they would all still be coming even though we weren't.

On the day of the wedding as I still had three sons living at home I could not bear to see them all getting ready so we flew over to Ireland for a few days and I sat in a hotel room crying the whole day of the actual wedding.

When I got back one of my sons told me that my ES had invited my brother to the wedding, who we hadn't spoken to for nearly 10 years because of his treatment of me after my Mum died, this really hurt me and I still have trouble coming to terms with it.

After some of the treatment that other estranged Gransnetters have received my story sounds quite petty, it's a mystery why my son has taken it this far.

My eldest son was very difficult growing up and we had many arguments and we also had a period where we were estranged but 2 years ago he literally turned up on our doorstep and said he wanted to be in touch again and one thing he said that will always stay with me is 'I'm sorry and you were right about everything', the estrangement with him took its toll and I still feel a 'distance' between us and our two grandchildren as if things were told to them at the time (by my DiL who I am still very wary of) but we did get to know them before the estrangement. What concerns me is that now my ES has had a son who we have never met, we will never get that initial bond you get when they are first born should we ever get to meet him.

Elless I think you have done the right thing.

I hope your surgery goes well and you have a quick reovery

I am glad you feel more at peace Elless, finding a way through a painful situation. Your son has made choices. You are now making choices about how to deal with that and move forward.

I'm glad you "feel more at peace" Elless. Good luck for tomorrow's surgery. Let us know how you're getting on and how your recovery goes.

Thank you for your comments but weirdly I feel more at peace now because I know I have done everything I can knowing the ball is definitely in his court. It's 3 years now since we have spoken and for the past two years I have sent cards on birthdays to my EGC but I did state in my letter that I would not contact him again so I now don't have to put myself through all the turmoil when its his birthday .

As some of us know from personal experience, the most loving and gracious letter in an attempt to reach out to an EAC can and does get a negative response.

I hope Elless that you will find as we have done that silence, no matter how painful is preferable to abuse.

I don't agree that Elless was setting herself up for failure, but for more heart break.

A week is a long time for a mother reaching out to her son for an explanation, for a reason why he no longer wants her in his life. Especially when she's waiting to go into hospital for surgery.

I agree it is a short time and there is a clear possibility that Elles's son will respond when he feels ready or not if he never feels ready.

However that doesn't diminish her understandable disappointment at hearing nothing , a week feels like a very long time when feeling upset and hurt and expressing it helps to deal with it in such a painful situation. I don't think that is "setting herself up for failure", it is just expressing upset feelings in a hopefully safe space for doing it, rather than making things worse with her son by having a go at him for not responding or whatever...not that Elless has suggested she was going to do that I know! But fair enough to express her disappointment here.

Elless focus on yourself and good luck for your operation

I agree with Violetsky

OP is setting herself up for failure sending a letter with expectations of a reply, let alone such a fast one.

A week is no time at all.

There is a chance he might not have read it yet.

He will address it when and if he is ready.

A week isn't a huge amount of time in a broken relationship. Maybe he needs longer to think it through.

You've given him an open opportunity to respond. If the letter was positive you may still get a positive response.

There is always the fact that, sending a positive letter (no guilt trips, accusations, calling estranged child any names for estranging) won't usually get a negative response.

Take care of yourself now, don't send anything else that will cause disappointment if no reply comes.

You should really block his social media and leave it that way, wounds don't heal if we pick at them.

I'm sorry that your son hasn't responded Elless. You've done all you can and now need to focus on you.

It looks as if he's made his decision and as Chewbacca's posted doesn't have "the common decency, or the guts, to at least acknowledge your letter". I know how heartbreaking this is but you need to let it go and get on with your life.

Wishing you all the very best for Tuesday. Take care of yourself and have a speedy recovery.

Elless look after yourself and focus on your recovery. I am so sorry that you have not heard , that is disappointing and disheartening for you. ⚘

Elless you tried. Now you just need to concentrate on yourself. Put your son to the back of your mind. You need to go into your operation with a claim and positive frame of mind. It will help you cope with the operation itself plus any pain afterwards and help you heal.

Time for some me time. Hope all goes well and you have a speedy recovery. I know in the past going into an operation with a positive frame for mind has helped me. Hopefully you won't be in hospital long and can recover at home. And let people spoil you . And you will soon be fighting fit . ??

Yes, concentrate on your health, that is your first priority.

That's a disappointment Elless; I'm really very sorry that your DS hasn't had either the common decency, or the guts, to at least acknowledge your letter. But, for the time being, you do at least know where you stand and that you've done everything within your power to try to resolve the situation amicably. For now, at least, concentrate on your upcoming operation and recovery. I wish you a speedy return to full health.

Well it's been a week now and I've not heard anything from my ES, I gave him my email and mobile number so it would be easier to send a note or text but nothing has arrived. I actually feel sorry for him now, I know he's not a nasty person and it will embarrass him if he walks past my house because he hasn't had the guts to reply.
I sort of feel better though because I now know I've done everything I can so onwards and upwards (sorry OnwardsandUpwards) Had my covid test this morning so I'm now in isolation until I have my op on Tuesday.

Agree with M0nica at 22.42. Fingers crossed for you that you receive a favourable reply.

I hope you hear back from your son and it gives you some resolution Elless. At least you know you reached out.

Even if there is no reply, you will know that you have done all you can to end the estrangement and the ball is now in his court.

I hope it works out Elless. I'm finding with GS that the more his mother tries to contact him the more determined he is not to speak to her. I keep telling him it is early days and to leave his options open. I end up with her on the phone crying, I haven't actually said to her that I think for the moment she would be better backing off as I don't think it's my place and maybe I'm totally wrong. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who are sure they are right, I doubt things so much.

I'm thinking of contacting her mum, the other GM, not sure if I'll just end up annoying everyone. I feel drained with it all and hate being in the middle. Isn't it awful for everyone involved when things get to this point, I can't believe it is making anyone feel better.