crazyH
Cafeaulait - I will go so far as to say, my son is to blame. We had a 'fall out' few years ago. It was a silly argument, so silly, I can't even remember what it was all about, but he said the nastiest things, the one phrase I remember, because it hurt me the most was "I don't trust you" or something to that effect - (the trigger escapes me or I probably have blocked it). I remember coming on here and getting great support and comfort from Smileless and other kind ladies. Anyway since then, I decided to forgive and forget, mainly for the sake of the little ones, but things have never been the same. As you say, it could be that she doesn't want a relationship. She is an only child and very close to her mother. Btw this is not the first time - we have been close to the edge.
Sorry to go on, for some reason, can't sleep ....
Post as much as you want to. Maybe it will help. :-) Did your son say why he didn't trust you? Maybe during that argument he clued you in to his reasons, even if you disagree with the truth of what he said?
You are wise to consider your DIL's background and what her normal is in regard to family. I know my MIL's normal was to turn her own children over to their maternal grandmother for regular care (not sure about paternal, which is what she is). My normal is that I never knew any grandparents, so had no expectations of grandparents or a specific role. Big conflict of expectations there. I don't think my own mother likes my independence from grandparents that much, but that's a situation she created.