Toxic Mother

I considered estrangement from my mother when I was about 30 in particular because of some things she did and said about my husband. I decided that I couldn’t do that because I wanted my children to have grandparents and my father was a good grandparent and my mother was not the best grandparent but was okay most of the time. And I was conditioned to tolerate my mother’s treatment and I covered up to other people how difficult and awful her behaviour often was and I was ashamed of it. I pretended that we had a good relationship but actually the truth was different. Now she’s old I couldn’t possibly estrange her because difficult as it is I know she’s dependent on me. She’s still got fire and she’s still nasty at times but following advice from Gransnetters, the last time this happened a couple of weeks ago, I got up and walked out. I’ve never done that before. I didn’t visit then for three days and then I went on holiday. When we returned I went to see her and ignored what had happened. If she is nasty to me again, I will leave again.
I can’t estrange her at this point in her life. It’s too late. If I was going to do that I should have done it years ago and believe me, I would have had good cause.

I know what you mean Allsorts I haven't been able to read about that terrible case either. That poor little boy.

I understand what you're saying, without that conversation nothing can ever be resolved and even if you have it, and it goes badly with the other party denying and/or excusing their behaviour, at least you know something, which is better than knowing nothing and torturing yourself with the one question that will never be answered; why?

Ir's good to see your post maddyone and that you've put into practice some coping mechanisms that will make contact with your mum a little less stressful.

maddyone that's absolutely fantastic. Glad you are taking control of your own life back

Maddyone. Well done you. You have taken control without just walking away. All mothers should want their children happy, I really don’t understand your mom, but at the end of the day, she’s still your mom and she will have to learn to bite her tongue if she wants your company,?

What you have to keep in mind is that a sit-down such as you have described doesn't end well in most cases. It tends to sort of go this way: "I didn't do it. But if I did do it, it wasn't so bad. But if it was so bad, you/circumstances made me do it. It couldn't possibly have been MY fault. Or if circumstances/you didn't make me do it, I did it because I'd had worse done to me, and you can be thankful it wasn't worse."

Yes it can go like that. But it's not a given. And not sure what "in MOST cases" is based on!

Madgran77 look at the thread title!

Violet The remark I quoted was not made to the OP, it was made to an estranged GP who has posted later in the thread! The title of the thread is completely irrelevant

Madgran I was under the impression that all the responses were relevant to the thread so that's the way I read it. Conversations with toxic mothers do not go well and agnurse is spot on.

Many people on this thread have toxic mothers sadly and that is very relevant.

Sorry to disagree with you but people posting off topic shouldn't be surprised when replies to them stay on topic.

I didn’t walk away but should have done. My mother lived to be over 100 and I finally felt free after that.

VioletSky

Madgran I was under the impression that all the responses were relevant to the thread so that's the way I read it. Conversations with toxic mothers do not go well and agnurse is spot on.

Many people on this thread have toxic mothers sadly and that is very relevant.

Sorry to disagree with you but people posting off topic shouldn't be surprised when replies to them stay on topic.

Violet The remark made by agnurse specifically highlighted that she was responding to Allsorts who is an estranged GP who had commented about her own thoughts about her own experience in the thread. In that context my own comment was specifically related to that remark made to Allsorts.

Having read the whole thread I am perfectly aware of who is posting, that many have toxic mothers etc. That is not relevant to the response to a remark made specifically to an estranged GP

Its got nothing to do with people posting off topic per se, or people being "surprised" about replies staying "on topic"! It is just one remark made to another poster that I responded to.

Dear me! Don't want the thread derailed so lets just leave it there.

Madgran but Allsorts relating her own experience to toxic mothers does not change the fact that said mothers are toxic and conversations do not go well.

What has surprised me is just how many people are unfortunate enough to have suffered from being brought up by a toxic, or very difficult, parent. These parents seem to be mothers in most cases. Certainly in my case. There are several threads running on this theme at the moment, and there have been others before. I’m pleased that I’ve found others who have been, and still are, in the same situation as myself regarding difficult parents, but I’m sorry for those posters because they’re in the same boat as myself. It’s so, so difficult to admit that you’ve been bullied and belittled all your life and never had the spunk to admit it. Maybe, like myself, others have pretended that their mother was a normal mother, and yet I knew she wasn’t from around ten years of age. I knew she didn’t behave like other mothers and I felt less valuable in her eyes than other children appeared to be to their mothers. When she started to criticise all my friends, and all my boyfriends, and I noticed she criticised all my sister’s friends, and all her boyfriends, as we reached our teens, I knew this wasn’t normal, but I didn’t stand up to her. I didn’t stand up to her later when she criticised my husband, our parenting of our children, and even our children. I didn’t stand up to her when she criticised our home, and said my husband would make a good Nazi, and my children would be good Nazi children because they were very blond, or when she criticised how I looked or had my hair. When I got my first car, a secondhand car, she said it could be stolen! (It wasn’t.) I didn’t object when she pushed by child up against a wall and pinned him there at ten years old because she didn’t like an opinion he expressed. Or, or, or, it goes on, I could fill a book.
Sorry for rant.

maddyone but you did stand up to her. You rejected her world view and her behaviour and became your own person anyway.

You should be proud of every step you take away from that and your inner strength. You don't need to say a word to her to stand up for you.

Madgran but Allsorts relating her own experience to toxic mothers does not change the fact that said mothers are toxic and conversations do not go well.

Nobody said it did change that fact!

maddy you are entitled to rant in your circumstances. You have come a long way.

Madgran77

*Madgran but Allsorts relating her own experience to toxic mothers does not change the fact that said mothers are toxic and conversations do not go well.*

Nobody said it did change that fact!

Brilliant, thank you

!!

Thank you ? & best wishes to all - I can relate so much to this.

It was only 6 years ago that I realised I'd gone from coercive controlling mother to coercive controlling partner- & sadly, DDs have done the same ?.
I never could understand why on occasion, they respected each other!
Now, happily single but still helping DM I feel if I do what I can, when she's gone I'll have few regrets - that I did what I could.

Oh Maddyone I completely understand. Sometimes it feels like you may be the only person with a toxic mother and you wonder how you ended up being the only person on the earth without a loving mother. It is nice to know you aren't alone. On the other hand, you would never wish a toxic mother on another person ever.

Buffy, I agree. I have heard so many times "what if she dies? How will you feel then?"

Honestly, I will feel relief that I will no longer be the object of her laser focused anger and toxicity just because I exist.

I will feel happy that she has found the peace she so longed for on this earth. Despite her toxic nature, I want that for her. She deserves that.

I will feel sad that I did not have the mother I deserved. I will actually cry and mourn this. It will be especially difficult because once she is gone, the last sliver of hope the small child in me has that she will finally love me unconditionally will be gone.

What I will not feel is regret. I did everything I could in hopes that she would love me. I know that there is nothing more I could do.

It has been my experience that many people with toxic parents feel the same way. It is hard to hear others disagree or be judgmental of our decisions. Especially so when someone also had a toxic parent and decided to take the abuse and stay in contact. Every interaction seems so loaded, like they would expect we would make the same decision if we were strong enough. Every experience is different and decisions like this are so personal.

Luckily, after many years of therapy, I am at peace with my decision. I hope that all people struggling with toxic family members reach the same point, it is very freeing.

I genuinely think I would still be in contact with my mother if:

1. Her relationship with my children was positive.

2. My children hadn't witnessed her being abusive to me.

I can't honestly say that I would have found the strength to not let her hurt me. I'd like to think that I would still have come to all the same conclusions and ended up in therapy and counselling. That I would have been able to heal while keeping contact with her and not losing contact with wider family.

I've always had more strength to defend others than I have myself and my children coming to me and saying that they did not like her and their reasons why is what pushed me to estrange.

I am at peace with my decision.

Perfect summation freedomfromthepast. Freedom is having a present and a future without constantly looking back at the past.

That's what estrangement brings in the end isn't it; freedom.

Although we were the ones to be estranged, estrangement has given us freedom from our ES's toxic wife and from his own abusive behaviour.

We have "a present and a future" as you say Chewbacca.

Perfect summation freedomfromthepast. Freedom is having a present and a future without constantly looking back at the past

Spot on

My toxic mother died 15 months ago, we were not estranged, I was dutiful but resented every minute.

The past 15 months have been bliss, I feel as though a weight has been lifted.

She still comes back to haunt me in my dreams!

All I ever wanted was a few years on this earth without her and I cherish every day I am alive and she isn’t.

I am not a cruel person but her cruelty and lies dominated my life for 57 years, she spoilt anything I had that was good and worked very hard to turn the people I loved against me.

I am so thankful for my husband, children and the few friends that know the full and true story and believed and supported me.

You were there for her Sago .

Enjoy the rest of your life with those you love and who love you in return. Don't look back, look forward with joyful anticipation in your heart.