Toxic Mother

Susan56 A wake up call indeed!

Susan I'm sorry to hear that you are unwell. You owe your mum nothing and can well do without added stress. ?

Susan, Grandmabatty is right, you need to concentrate on getting well.

Sounds like depression to me , don't be too hard on the lady . She may be deeply unhappy in her later years . Remain in contact but keep the conversation light . This is what we do as carers of the elderly . Its no fun being old in today's society , afterall !

It was believed for a long time that physical problems were the worst and anything mental was not a big deal. Everyone remembers that saying:

Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

I think that's why we have ended up with so many people who sadly have abusive parents. Not only did a lot of parents not deal with their own emotional wounds growing up, they they then passed it on to their children.

Mental health matters and emotional abuse can cause just as serious and long term consequences as physical abuse. Emotional abuse literally makes changes in the brain. Those physical changes can cause more susceptibility to illnesses triggered by stress, addiction, anxiety, depression, and even personality disorders.

We have so many adults responsible for fixing themselves because of this, even if that's just learning healthy boundaries and being able to protect ourselves.

We can do it. We can be happy and healthy and we can break the cycle. That's the important thing. Just small positive changes.

Sometimes we have to mother ourselves.

Amazing post, violetsky

Good post VioletSky.

Whatever decisions you may or may not make Gampsy put your own long term well being first, and for me that includes considering how you might feel if you do decide to break all contact with your mum. A point I made earlier on, on this thread.

As long as you are protecting yourself, any decision you make will be the right one for you, and that's all that matters.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I'm confused by all this name changing. I thought I didn't recognise you VioletSky but forgot about this thread where you have given such a lot of good advice. It's a bit of a mystery.

Thank you, I'm so glad if it helped people

I think I know who Violet sky is, I left the forum because of the posts and rejoined under a new name. I said I wouldn’t look at any others in a similar vein.

It's a shame when people leave because of unpleasantness Allsorts and it's good to see that you've returned

for those battling, or trying to survive toxic people in their lives, when they become abusive, could you try talking about yourselves almost, rather than reacting or worse bottling the negative emotion.
eg say, i've been advised not to linger in company that is destructive to my self worth. for the good of my health.
and leave/ end call.
so you are making a statement about yourself, but not then discussing it, just acting in self protection, as advised.
eg someone who finds it difficult to decline a drink in company, may find it easier to say, no thank you, doctor's orders.
so you can say you have been advised to have only positive influences in your life. you don't have to give further details.
which is true. we've advised it. and then calmly leave.
good luck.

Some good advice there welbeck.

Gampsy,

Sorry for the late reply, but better late than never...

I speak from experience and found that although I am still in contact with my mother - the occasional phone call etc, I had to go through a period of mourning so to speak for the mother I never had or never will have - I won't lie this was very painful and difficult, took me nearly two years before I came out the other end, but once you have done this life and your relationship becomes much easier - also limit contact and if your mother starts the blame game just say got to go now and put the phone down - once you've done this a few times they get the message and start to monitor their remarks more.. you have to let go of hoping for a different outcome either from the past or the future - you will need help and guidance for this but just google it and you will find what you need to get you through. If your mother shuns you then she is only hurting herself in the long run and will end up contacting you once she realizes you are serious - The best of luck and remember that you have been betrayed in one way or another throughout your whole life by the very person who should have given you unconditional love.

I do think it’s a shame waiting until someone is in their 80’s and needing help, to decide this is the time to distance from a toxic parent. Surely this difficult person should have had a frank discussion years ago, to enable change or get used to not having family support.

It's never too late to put boundaries in place and take measures to protect our own mental health.

Allsorts from your post I would guess you’ve not had a toxic parent. I hope that is the case for your sake. However many, many people, including many on Gransnet, have had extremely difficult parents, even toxic parents. It’s really difficult to admit this as an adult, and as a child you don’t recognise the reality. However your parent treats you as a child, you think that’s normal. As you grow up, you seek to escape. I took myself off 250 miles away from my mother, although she moved here after my father died. My mother did, and said the most appalling things and I eventually came to the conclusion that she is probably narcissistic, but of course it’s never been diagnosed. All of this realisation takes years, and it is only later in life that many people actually realise that everything they have been subjected to isn’t normal. The thing is that they’ve been brainwashed as a child to do what the parent says and are conditioned to obey. Eventually as the parent ages, the adult child becomes more and more resentful of the unreasonable demands that are being placed upon them. I think that it often takes until the parent reaches old age before the adult child realises how badly they’ve been treated.

You both make valid points Allsorts and maddyone.

As an adult, if you're facing abuse from your AC and/or their partner, it's a difficult decision to call it out for fear of being estranged. If you don't then you are faced with the prospect of being an enabler.

When the abuser is a parent, a child is in no position to call out the behaviour. Other family members may be enablers if they're aware of what's happening but as those of us who have experienced abuse either as adults, or from childhood know only too well how this can be hidden.

There's a 'public' face to deceive others into believing that they are perfectly normal and decent people. There are also those whose relationship with the abusive person becomes so dependant, that they are unable or unwilling to see their true nature.

An adult can of sometimes is brainwashed by their partner so much so that they end up estranging their own parents and their entire family.

You appear to have found a way to manage your relationship with your mum topcat, which is a good thing.

Reducing the contact you have with your mum has enabled you to have some contact, even thought that is limited and has prevented the difficult and final decision to estrange.

Whether you're the one who takes the decision to estrange, or the one who is estranged, the end of a relationship that should have been or was once close, does need to be grieved for.

sorry, that should have read An adult can of course sometimes be brainwashed

I must admit I find it difficult to understand. Everyone must do what they think is right, as an outsider no one knows the whole story of any family dynamics. As estranged from my own daughter I am in no position to judge, I just know if a frank discussion as what it was that made her dislike me so much to estrange, I would have done anything to put it right, as it is too late now for reconciliation I just hope she’s happy, because I genuinely love her with all my heart.
However, I couldn’t read my paper today for crying about that evil couple that killed their beautiful son, anyone would have wanted him and love him, but not his parents, they don’t deserve to live.

Allsorts

What you have to keep in mind is that a sit-down such as you have described doesn't end well in most cases. It tends to sort of go this way: "I didn't do it. But if I did do it, it wasn't so bad. But if it was so bad, you/circumstances made me do it. It couldn't possibly have been MY fault. Or if circumstances/you didn't make me do it, I did it because I'd had worse done to me, and you can be thankful it wasn't worse."

Not something you can really reason with.

agnurse can confirm, tried I person and in type. Completely Frank, unexaggeratedand and as kindly as I could.

It never happened

It was just a joke

I'm just too oversensitive

But what about my behaviour when I was 8

Ooo errors

But as explained to my brother recently, coming at me from a place where my estranging is worse than the reasons that caused me to estrange is never going to change anything.