Will my granddaughter remember me?

Covid is tricky at the moment, I wouldn't be surprised if it has had an impact on everything. My whole friendship group is slowly, I think rekindling is the right word. There was a long expanse of time where we weren't seeing each other and we weren't doing anything to talk about in type.

I've come across lots of people both children and adults who have developed social anxiety or general anxiety.

Not saying that covis has impacted anything here but in times when we weren't allowed to see each other and talk face to face, I am sure it has worsened many issues and made coming back together again quite hard.

No, welbeck, sadly not, but that doesn't change the fact that I could have handled some things better.
VioletSky I'm sure you're right, in that many people are experiencing heightened emotions and difficulties at the moment.

alovelycupofteaa you come across as a nice person who has experienced a lot of personal trauma. I think what others have said about getting the most out of some sort of counselling and therapy will really benefit you.

Sometimes we don't know how our trauma affects others which is something I've had to deal with too. Concentrate on you for a while and getting yourself into a good place.

Lovelycupoftea If it is any comfort to you my maternal granny died when I was five. What I remember of her was her love. That has stayed with me all my life. When, hopefully you are reunited with your granddaughter I think she will remember your love and your relationship with her will be the same as it used to be.

Oh, thank you VioletSky The therapy was useful - both my husband and I went - but we stopped after a while by mutual agreement as there was nothing more the therapist could suggest to help, and I have done so much soul-searching over the last couple of years that I am now very self-aware, and very willing to change things, but sadly we have no opportunity to demonstrate that if they won't engage with us at all.

Oh Aldom that brought ears to my eyes, thank you so much . I do hope so, & I will try to remember your story & hold it with me.

Oh believe me alovelycupoftea ,you will be remembered.
I had a wonderful birthday card off my grandsons ,and they wrote how much they loved looking for frogs and newts in my garden and going stickle back hunting with a net and jar 4 years previously then had a lovely picnic.
And they finished the card off telling me they love me to the moon and back.
I can`t tell you how chocked up i was that they remembered
so much.
That card is on my bedside table with their photo on it.

Sometimes, depending on many factors (length of estrangement, what triggered it, background info, etc), an apology and trying to reconnect could be to little too late

OP, I hope it all works well for you

alovelycupoftea sorry, I thought you were still having therapy, I misunderstood. I hope that you will eventually have an opportunity to demonstrate

Perhaps you could try one last letter with what I said in my first comment and then say that if you receive no response you will take that to mean they want no further contact and you will respect that. That your door will be open and you will be ready to listen and make a mends for past wrongs.

Please bare in mind I am not saying they are innocent of wrongdoing but sometimes you have to give apologies to receive them.

You may have to draw that line, not specifically for them but for you to move on.

Thank you everyone - we are giving them space but if I get the opportunity I would apologise again, but atm I have been advised not to even do that. There is so much more to the story, but I don’t want to imply that I am shirking responsibility for my part in it.
timetogo2016 how wonderful for you, it must be such a precious thing for you to have.

That's a good point welbeck. It looks as if there could be more to this than meets the eye alovelycupoftea and for me. the fact that your son has ceased contact with old friends and other family members raises some questions.

As welbeck has said clearly the relationship with you is not the only issue here. An AC ceasing contact with parents they once had a good relationship with, in addition to other family members and friends suggests that something else is going on here. Possibly influence/pressure from his finance.

It's a waiting game alovelycupoftea. All you can do is wait and see if your son contacts you. As you've already written and tried other ways to make contact, my advice is to take a step back.

Your son knows you love and miss him and how much your GD means to you, and you to her. I hope that he too takes a step back, recognises the pain and distress he's causing, and gets in touch.

Such a lovely post Aldom.

Good post Starblaze

I'm sorry if I caused an argument!

You didn't, alovelycupoftea.

A difference in views somewhat confused by my calling you the wrong name!

I am not surprised that you are worried about your son as he is no longer close to other family and friends. It does suggest that even if you know and are taking responsibility for your past behaviours, there is more that is causing problems for your son and his relationships.

Alovelycupoftea My first memories are about age 3-4 so I'm sure your GD will remember you. I'm sure she will have plenty of awkward questions to ask her parents as she grows and I hope you get the chance again to see her.

I know how painful it is to lose GC. Like your son, my son has also cut off many other people and not just us.

I think it can be dangerous to assume that just because he has stopped contact with his friends and family, that his fiancée is to blame. Especially in this case where the OP does state that there is a history of conflict between her and her son.

When I had to cut contact with my abusive mother, I found a good time to also decide who brought richness to my life and who didn't. I stopped contact with those people as well, including friends from 20 years ago and other family members. It is not unheard of in EAC support groups to hear of this happening. Adding Covid to the mix doesn't help. That separation can cause people to drift away if the relationship is no longer close, even if it was close 5 years ago.

I commend the OP for seeing her part in this estrangement and working on that. What I wouldn't give to have my own mother to look at herself, see a therapist to overcome her trauma and come to me with an apology.

I hope that in time your son sees the work you have done, does his own work and your relationship resumes soon.

A history of conflict between mother and son IMO doesn't explain going no contact with his entire family and friends unless there were issues there too which alovelycupoftea hasn't mentioned.

Smileless
It may happen if those friends and family want to mediate and take sides

Yes it might happen for those reasons. Taking sides could certainly be an issue but it would be a shame if anyone wanting to help by mediating was cut out for that reason alone.

A person who refuses to respect boundaries and refuses to butt out is not someone a lot of people want in their lives.

Many estranged people do not ask or want an interfering person to mediate.

As adults they don’t need to be told what to do or how they should feel.

Flying monkeys are never welcome.

Why assume that someone wanting to help, to mediate is not respecting boundaries and refusing to "butt out" Bibbity?

No one wants an "interfering person to mediate" but someone wanting to try and help isn't necessarily interfering. Estrangement affects an entire family even if all family members haven't been estranged.

"As adults they don't need to be told what to do or how they should feel" the same goes for an adult wanting to try to mediate.

When a family member isn't contacting you except to discuss the person you estranged and throwing those guilt trips like "you only have one mother" or "you will regret this one day" or "she won't be around forever" it is pretty obvious they have already chosen a side.

Apart from that it can be difficult to talk to family and cause any upset or pain or allow them to place themselves in the middle.

The middle is not a good place. I remember 2 friends had a big falling out and both vented at me. I just listened and empathised because I could see both their points of view. When they made up, I ended up the one pushed out because of all the things they said about each other. I was a truth risk.

I've learned that other people's relationships are theirs and if they want to vent and I have relationships with both its best I stay out of it and let them bend someone else's ear.

I think it can be dangerous to assume that just because he has stopped contact with his friends and family, that his fiancée is to blame. Especially in this case where the OP does state that there is a history of conflict between her and her son

I agree. No assumptions can be made about the causes really, including DiLs involvement and why friends and family are also not part of OP'S son's life! Every story is different with different circumstances.

alovelycupof tea ..you are wise to give space, to be clear about your willingness to apologise again very specifically, after your soul searching. I hope that in time that opportunity may arise for you.

No Smiless. They absolutely are interfering if their help isn’t asked or wanted. An adult is perfectly capable of deciding who they do or do not want in their life.
It is nothing to do with a third party.

And if they do not respect that fact then the estranged adult is well within their rights to block that person.

You would not believe how much it happens on the estrangement pages. It’s infuriating and hurts.

As I've posted Bibbity someone wanting to help isn't necessarily interfering, if it's seen that way and they're asked to stop then yes, you wouldn't want to continue having contact.

Estrangement affects an entire family, not just the ones who have been estranged. It's perfectly reasonable that some may want to do all they can to help but of course, should withdraw that help if it isn't wanted.

As I posted previously Madgran where there's been no suggestion of there being any issues with the OP's son's other family members and friends, the fact that they have also been estranged raises the possibility that there may be more to this than meets the eye.

As we know from GN alone, when there's such an extensive use of estrangement including all family members and friends, this is often due to the influence of a third party.

Saying that something is a possibility and worthy of consideration is not making the assumption that it is the case freedomfromthepast.