Do you send gifts to GC when estranged

This seems to be a big sticking point for a lot of family breakdowns.

I can understand my families hurt that I estranged and asked for no contact (leaving my abusive mother out of that equation).

What I can't understand is how my estranging and asking for no contact can be, in anyone's mind, worse than my reasons for estranging. I've heard so from so many sources, more from outside of my situation than in but both.

I told my brother recently that all the time he is coming to me from a place where my estranging is worse than the reasons I did it, things can never be resolved. Of course that leaves out the many attempts I made to resolve things before estrangement but it's still true.

He is a cold and nasty man and of course there is a history of nasty behaviour on his part.

It was like a twisting of the knife into my stomach.

I hope and pray I will see the little ones in the future when they are old enough to make up their own minds, but in the mean time they remain in my thoughts always. I have two darling granddaughters I see regularly, but I have so much potential love for the others too.

The truth is important even if people close their ears to it.

It's a shame to be told the truth that contact is upsetting and the truth that gifts won't be kept and that is deemed as "nasty" when those are real hurt feelings being ignored and a genuine reason to not waste time and money on gifts.

I don't understand what a non nasty alternative is.

I got flowers a lot which was silly because it is known I am allergic but anyway, they were given to brighten up a friend's day instead so at least weren't wasted.

I don't understand how telling someone I want to be estranged from that I don't want contact or gifts is "nasty" when estrangement for such a long time generally sends that message anyway.

I must say in my case I have asked for no contact many times and it's simply been ignored.

Gifts and money aren't what fixes estrangement, it is listening, time, love, understanding and respecting feelings and choices.

If a relative was introducing religion of any sort to my young children without discussing it with me first, they’d find themselves getting their contact very limited.

I always wondered if my MIL would try to make contact with my children when they turned 18. She didn't. The eldest said that if contact was made, they would tell MIL thanks but no thanks and why.

There was no need to say that gifts you've sent have been binned or re gifted Sallywally. That's just being cruel for cruelties sake.

All that was needed was to say the gifts aren't wanted and for you not to send anymore. There are ways of putting across how one feels without being nasty.

Savings accounts and sending cards are a good idea. You are those children's GM and whether your s.i.l. likes it or not, that will never change.

Sallywally was there more to that text?

I'm just trying to understand why it is "nasty" for someone to say what you are doing is causing upset?

We sent thoughtful, beautifully wrapt presents for six years. Then just before Christmas last year I received a nasty text from daughters OH telling us not to send any more as they caused upset and in any case were either binned or ‘re gifted’.

Very hurtful

Won’t be sending anymore. Will continue to send cards to GS and will set up a savings account for when they are 18 with the money we would have spent on presents.

Indeed!

Usual suspects lemsip

what has this turned into ?

A naming ceremony sounds like a good idea if you don't want a religious Christening Bibbity and I think you're right about it probably not going ahead.

A long time ago I was told that it was my place to facilitate relationships between my husband and his family.

I said no, it isn't, it's my place to support my husband in his own decisions.

He doesn't want to see his mother or father for different reasons, we have a great relationship with other family members but the ones who try to tell us our place we keep at arms length.

Calm down dear only a bit of confusion.

Bibbity I did not attach your name to my statement , stop attacking

Actually, leaving a partner to plan and organize events is brilliant (especially regarding partners family). Complaints can be overcome "your childs plan"

He said he'd like a christening for a party. I replied that that went against what I believe in. So he wanted a naming ceremony and I said that that sounds lovely and we'll do that but he can organise it.

Not it be pessimistic but DS is 7 and there's been no date set....so I don't think that's going ahead ?

You keep referring to your child Bibbity, presumably your H agreed with you as s/he's his child too.

She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants I honestly could not care less about her. I was just pointing out that she was never going to get what she wanted with regards to my child and that dress.

I am not judging her for that. I judge her for a lot. But not that.

But is she free to worship how she wants Bibbity when you've posted that it's just for show and she never sets foot in a church apart from christenings, weddings and funerals?

You appear to be judging her for not worshipping as you think she should.

Except I'm not tarring anyone Smileless. I am not clutching my pearls at the idea others raise their children differently.

She is free to believe what she wants. Worship how she wants. It doesn't bother me at all.
What she can't do is be stroppy when I chose differently for my child.

Halfpint1 we have celebrated every milestone in my childrens lives. From smiles to words to first steps and first days of school so I'm unsure what you think they are missing out on?

My children are also surrounded by family. One person who brought us nothing but misery no longer has a place in our lives. And we're all happier for it.

Lol emotional crime!

Celebrating the milestones in a child's life is a loving family tradition that's been going on for centuries. To deny your child the rest of it's family is an emotional crime. As you grow yourself in life you can see the effects of control and they are often regrettable

I didn't say it isn't valid Hithere so please don't put words into my mouth.

Yes it does happen Bibbity but it isn't a good idea to tar everyone with the same brush.

Going to church is not a measure of one's faith Bibbity and I doubt your m.i.l. would ever feel comfortable discussing her's with you.