Unable to forgive or forget

I’m a mother and my daughter has distance herself from me… it could be 50 years from now and I would always welcome her back with open arms, no matter how much I’m hurting now. I’m sure your mother would want you to try and reconcile. And also to forgive.

You're welcome Yogin 9 years is a long time isn't it and there's a lot more to our individual stories than the majority know.

nightowl

Just to clarify the legal situation, there are two routes whereby a new birth certificate can be issued.

If no father is named in the registration and on the original birth certificate, and the mother then marries the biological father, the birth must be re-registered with his name. If she lives in a relationship with the biological father but does not marry him, they can apply for his name to be added to the registration and apply for a new birth certificate.

As others have said, if the mother marries someone else who is not the biological father, they can apply to adopt the child (and both parents adopt, even the biological mother). When the adoption order is granted, a new adoption birth certificate is issued which replaces the original.

From what the OP has said it seems she was involved in their lives at the time and would have known if this man had been involved in adopting her granddaughter. As she is certain this did not happen it seems more likely that the registration was amended to include the new partner’s name. If he is not the biological father, this was indeed a lie and a false registration. Whatever the motives, it is unfair to a child to register their birth with false information. Hope that helps.

Thank you for this NightOwl Yes very unfair to have a man who is not your bio dad on your birth certificate, this was a lie and has a prison term if found out, hence why I stayed quiet. My GD will want to know who her real dad is with all these programmes on TV about genealogy like 'Who do you think you are' and 'Families reunited'. I'm sure she will want to know who her real nanny & aunty is too, along with the rest of her birth family. My GD was loved and adored and highly cherished by me & her aunty, all taken away from her by her stepdad. I will always remember my GD stepdad saying to me She [my D] should get down on her f***ing knees and kiss my f***ing feet for taking on L****

Thank you Smiles so much for sticking up for me, we have travelled this awful rd. for so long together haven't we, and know far more of the in's & out's than is printed on these pages here.

Also thank you Zoe I remember such a thing on Families reunited, where a son was shocked to see adopted on the side of his BC, when he joined the scouts.

I will post this and turn the page for next posts.

That's a good point grannyactivist and another consideration is he may not be truthful and ttgran's mother is not here to defend herself if false allegations are made.

ttgran has made the decision that feels right for her current circumstances.

My own opinion on the matter would have been different a few weeks ago, but recently I had a conversation with one of my sisters that surprised me. She is very angry with my older brother for re-hashing with our (92 year old) mum something that happened when he was a child and which he finds extremely painful. I discovered that my sister has no shared understanding of what we older siblings went through in our very dysfunctional childhood. What’s more, when I shared a few things from my brother’s perspective, she literally said she didn’t want to know. My sister is lovely, but she says she’s too sensitive to want to know any upsetting details about our life.

So, I think perhaps ttgran has made a wise choice for her. If her brother had experiences with their mum (that’s only an ‘if’) that were not positive and were previously unknown to ttgran she can remain in ignorance.

It's all about how you feel. If you need a closing, an explanation whatsoever, go ahead. You do not owe him nothing, just keep in mind that.

That was my understanding Zoejory that the original birth certificate remains as it was.

I didn't know that AmberSpyglass.

For lesbian couples, the non-birthing parent is named on the birth certificate in place of a father, so it’s a little more complicated than just being for the biological father.

People who are adopted at birth had the adoptive parents on the birth certificate

Not quite. The original birth certificate will have the name of biological mother and father if known. Date/place of birth etc etc

Then when a baby is adopted the original certificate is still in the records but will be crossed out with a notation at the side saying Adopted.

Then an Adoptive Birth Certificate is issued.

It can be hard to access the original certificate without full knowledge but can be done. It can be issued but is clearly null and void.

Smileless2012

Thanks 3nanny I didn't know that but it does strike me as odd that this allowed as I always thought it was the name of the biological father, entered or not that goes on the birth certificate, and an adoptive parent isn't the birth parent.

People who are adopted at birth had the adoptive parents on the birth certificate. It’s what made it so hard for them to trace their genetic history

I have no vendetta. Just replying as I see it.

Sounds like you're the one with the vendetta Bibbity and take it from me, it's not a good look.

Apologies, it was not the OP who raised this issue, but Yogin. Sorry for distracting from the OP’s issue.

Just to clarify the legal situation, there are two routes whereby a new birth certificate can be issued.

If no father is named in the registration and on the original birth certificate, and the mother then marries the biological father, the birth must be re-registered with his name. If she lives in a relationship with the biological father but does not marry him, they can apply for his name to be added to the registration and apply for a new birth certificate.

As others have said, if the mother marries someone else who is not the biological father, they can apply to adopt the child (and both parents adopt, even the biological mother). When the adoption order is granted, a new adoption birth certificate is issued which replaces the original.

From what the OP has said it seems she was involved in their lives at the time and would have known if this man had been involved in adopting her granddaughter. As she is certain this did not happen it seems more likely that the registration was amended to include the new partner’s name. If he is not the biological father, this was indeed a lie and a false registration. Whatever the motives, it is unfair to a child to register their birth with false information. Hope that helps.

You have to do what feels right for you.
If it was me I would probably meet him, hear what he has to say. Unless it totally explains in a satisfactory way how he behaved, I would probably say I wish you no ill but I don't really want to keep in touch. You don't want to harbour ill feelings which only cause you harm.
Do what you are comfortable with.

Well she has been posting for years and the fact she is a PBP again says a lot.

You know nothing about Yogin's experiences Bibbity and if you think you do because you've read what she posts here on GN you are seriously deluded.

What we share on this open forum is the tip of the ice berg; Far more is shared in private.

She has never said her ED has paraded "men in and out of her daughter's life" so why include that in your post?

The only person's posts saying a lot more about themselves than the person they're posting about are yours.

When my DH’s brother got in touch it was a disaster, he has only got in touch to get what he could from him, (my DH thought about it for a while but then got in touch!). I put the brakes on it and my BIL hated me for it, he was a vile creature. He has now died but still owes us some money but it could have been worse had I not been on my guard!

Do what is right for you, don’t feel that you have to have contact just because they are ‘family’. They haven’t behaved like family up til now, it is their loss.

Yogagirl has a vendetta against this man who just took on a child as his own.

Her daughter is not parading men in and out of her daughters life. She has had 1 Dad who she has ever known.
And the obsession she has had over the fact he is not her flesh and blood while Yogagirl is says a lot more about her than him. So yes the than her was necessary.

Thank you Smileless.x

Technically he is her step dad Bibbity.

I loved my step dad very much, to me he was my dad despite not coming into my life until my mid twenties but regardless of how much I loved him he was not my father.

"He has been in her life for a lot long than most. Even you." To post "even you" was totally unnecessary. Yogin is no longer in her GD's life because she's been estranged. A little kindness goes along way.

Yogin is correct, an adoptive parent's name does not get entered onto the child's birth certificate. If her GD's step father's or if he'd adopted her, adoptive father's name has been put on the birth certificate, that is a lie.

I hope the funeral isn't too stressful for you Susan. I was worried that our ES would turn up at his paternal GM's funeral. Thankfully he didn't, but I understand that the worry for you only adds to the upset at this difficult time.

But he's not just her step dad. He has been in her life for a lot longer than most. Even you.

You've said he gave her his name. Raised her. He has been there every day since.
She knows no other father.

I have been pretty much estranged from my brothers for many years.They had no contact with my mum for many years but recently have got back in touch.After a lot of discussion with my own little family I don’t want to get involved.There has been so much upset and to be honest it scares me to think about being in contact with them.
I am attending a funeral in a couple of weeks and the thought of them being there makes me feel physically sick.I have thought of not attending the funeral but it was someone very dear to me.I keep telling myself this too shall pass.
ttgran, I hope you feel at peace with the decision you have made and wish you strength going forward.

I would leave it OP ....let sleeping dogs lie

As I've already said Bibbity Not fake, but as Smiles has worked out a lie. I was in their lives when I was shown the birth certificate, so know without doubt he did not adopt my GD and it is only the biological father that goes on the birth certificate. I suspect that the father that adopted the child to be put on the birth certificate was the biological father, but for what ever reason was not put on the BC at the child's birth.

Can you imagine how many times a BC would be changed if every stepdad that came along was put on