SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Hello again! I hope you all had a comparatively wobble-free Christmas, ours was very quiet.
DH is still communicating with eDD,; I eventually had a ‘happy birthday’ from her on the21st at 11.50pm, long after I’d gone to bed. And an explanation of sorts regarding her behaviour that she’d ‘forgotten’ to send 6 weeks ago.
Basically the thought of us living anywhere near her is causing her severe physical and MH problems ?, and we’re not to go anywhere near her town. So that’s that, at least I now know how toxic we must be to her. It’s so incredibly hurtful it takes my breath away and reduces me to tears every time I think about it. Heaven knows what the eff we’ve done somewhere along the line.

DH has had his lung surgery so fingers crossed we can move on from this hideous situation, obviously the house move depends on the follow up as we don’t yet know if it’s malignant or not. Either way I don’t want to live here anymore but whether we stay local or carry on with our plans to move to north Wales depends on what the consultant says in a few weeks time.

So, onwards and upwards and hoping that 2022 is a damn sight better than 2021!

Socks it's the only way to cope with our estranged children. By concentrating on those that love and care for us and who we love and care for is the best coping strategy. Otherwise we can made ourselves mentally and physically ill.

I am lucky not to been on the rollercoaster ride some of you have been and still on. Zero contact my son wanted and that's what he has . Hope it's made him happy.

I have wobbles we all do . But as much I am tempted to text him I won't. That was one of the things he threw back in my face my daily texts. Ironically when both my daughter and son left home for good they both said I was to text everyday to let them know how I was so I did . Seems he didn't mean what he said. At least my daughter did and still does.

It's been a relief not to jump through the usual hoops this year. And still everything was never enough or not the right time. Well I've had all that for years and this year I've enjoyed my time at home with those who love me for what I am. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you go from strength to strength. Whenever I had a thought of my estranged son I quickly thought of something else. It worked. I hope e all are more resilient going forward.

Morning just had email from our friend . Having trouble joining us. Seems powers that be not answering her.

I expected to feel dreadful this xmas. But I haven't. I've had the most organised and contented one

I am pleased to say that my Warrior Queen crown didn't slip this year over Christmas time. I had a very nice time with my DD and her family and did briefly think of ES but quickly put him and his controlling wife to one side.
So pleased you are back on track, Whiff.
Hello to Scotty and NurseKate.

So pleased that crown’s back on Whiff! Now….where did I put mine ?! Time to go and find it methinks!!

Lovely to hear your crown is firmly back in place Whiff.?

Morning all oops it's afternoon. Warrior Queen crown firmly back on today. Unfortunately it fell off yesterday and only found it this morning.

I cried all day so much so my poor eyes where red raw. And ashamed to say did something I haven't done for 4 years and that's comfort ate. But I don't want to be that woman again. I don't want to get fat again. Took me the 4 years to lose 7st I don't want to be her again. So back to weighting and counting calories again today.

Realised it wasn't just missing my son and 3 grandson's that upset me yesterday . It's the fact I saw how much fun my other 2 grandson's had playing with 2 nannies and a grandad on Christmas day.

It's the fact my 3 grandson's are missing out on being with me. I don't know the youngest. But the older 2 we had fun when I was with them especially when they came here we had special games they only played at nannies . Monster in nannies bed was something they loved . Hide and seek was a scream I have a 2 bed bungalow. Going round looking everywhere when all I could hear was them giggling. Seeing them every week from August 2019 until March 2020 was wonderful. As I only saw them every few months before my move here.

Before I moved and my son took me to their house they had 2 nannies to play with at the same time. His mother in law lives with them. That's what upset me the fact they don't have that anymore. They wheren't give a choice it was taken away from them. I was taken away from them . And because of their ages will have forgotten me by now.

As I said in a previous post it's a sad fact are numbers are increasing here but glad we have a safe place to be . A place Smiles has made for us with the help of other long time members of a club none of us wanted to join. But knowing we have a place to pour our hearts out and know we are not judged, getting understanding, support and importantly friendship. Know we are not alone in our pain is priceless.

Scotty and NurseKate sorry you have joined our ranks but glad you found the right place to be.

PetitFromage reading your post I felt ashamed moaning about how I feel when you have so much to put up with. How you do it I don't know. I know I couldn't. That's why my son wanting and getting zero contact works for me. I know my limits.
It must be like a constant Chinese water torture for you. Moaning about the lovely presents you got them is unbelievable. How can they be so ungrateful. Words fail me.

Allsorts is right we have to value ourselves more.

2022 is going to the year we all wear our Warrior Queen ? and not drop them. We are the parents no more putting up with bad behaviour from adult children. We didn't put up with it when they where children growing up. Why should we have to put up with it now they are adults. What examples are they setting their children our grandchildren.

My son knows what a bad mother , mother in law and grandmother is he knew my husband's mom his nan. But he also knows what good parents ,parents in law and grandparents are he knew my mom and dad. He saw the differences. And yet he and my daughter in law have treated me the way my mother in law treated me and his dad and him and his sister.

They have become my in laws . I put up with them from 1975 until my mother in law's death 2015 . 11 years after my husband died. So 2022 will be 18 years since my husband died.

I will not let what my son and daughter in law have done effect me anymore or that's the plan .

I don't know what 2022 has in sort for me health wise. Speaking to my neurologist next month. And should be seeing my cardiologist in the new year sometime with my heart MRI results. Won't know until then if they can fix my heart. If they can then I will have it done if they can't I don't intend to kick the bucket anytime soon.

Hopefully Smiles with be back this week leading the charge from her chariot . Recon she should have a spear and a fur (fake) cape as well.

Well my fellow Warrior Queens rambled on as usual . Take care all of you and keep strong .

Am tired after a busy Christmas. We’ve had family staying, but dh has struggled over EC so not been easy trying to give everyone a good Christmas and at the same time cheer him up too. At the moment I want next year to be just us - will be far less exhausting. Is yet another consequence of estrangement to be navigated. Time now to batten down the hatches for a bit to grieve, and then hopefully bounce back.

Good Morning everyone.

And a special hello and welcome to Scotty and Nurse Kate.

Kate I am glad if my prattle has helped you, but I must point out it was Smiles who started this thread and who has been so inspirational to so many and for so long now. I actually joined the thread around August time when my DIL launched her broadside. That was when she went for the jugular.

I too am looking forward to Smiles being able to return to the thread, she has been sorely missed.

PF. I read your post today with mounting horror. Your SIL sounds like a piece of work. Your DD sounds well and truly under his thumb, you must be very concerned about her welfare. I hope you feel better after your rest yesterday. It sounds like you really needed it, your system must have reached a point of overload.

All the worry and stress our AC have caused us is emotionally, mentally and physically draining to the point of exhaustion. I think There comes a time when we just have to step back and say enough is enough because if we don't we run a very serious risk of ruining our health.

I certainly am going to start taking much better care of myself from now on. I am determined to make 2022 a turning point for me.

Yes I managed to navigate Christmas but by golly it was hard work and I too was exhausted. The day felt more like an endurance test than a joyous family celebration and I felt drained afterwards.

I just hope that 2022 will be better. One thing is for sure, whilst I will continue to try keep my relationship with my son an even keel I am going to extremely careful to protect myself.

I am going to put myself first, to heal and reclaim my health. This year has taught me that my son is so caught up with himself that he has no time or concern for me, he has no interest in my doings or my well being. He has been impatient with my grief and totally lacking in empathy when I have been unwell. Madam even went so far as to accuse me of feigning illness. Nice. ?.

My deluded and brainwashed son probably took his cue from her example.

Anyway at least I know where I stand and I shall feel no guilt at putting my needs first from now on. 2022 is going to see me making some significant changes. My son probably won't like those changes but I don't care.

Allsorts......you are so right. We do need to value ourselves.

Hope you are feeling better PF, 30 hours is quite a sleep so you must have missed Boxing Day. You seemed to 3njoy Christmas Day so that’s good.
Hope Smileless is back soon, missed her chat.
Whiff hope you are ok, you have been so brave this last year.
Derbyshire, glad you’ve still got them sussed.
NurseKate, I do hope you are well, I can’t think how hurt you must have been feeling and I do hope you feel strong and realise you are important, if we can’t value ourselves who else will??

Good morning everyone and congratulations on surviving Christmas, even if the joy was tinged with inevitable sadness.

Whiff, you have been so brave and I am pleased that the Warrior Queen will be back!

Derbyshire Lass - as ever, you are inspirational. I am full of admiration for how you cope and, as Allsorts says, seem to be in control, like the proverbial swan gliding, even if you feel in turmoil beneath the surface.

I sympathise with you all for the 'Madams' in your life. Unfortunately, I have the male equivalent in my SIL, does that make him a 'Sir'? He has systematically gone out of his way to cut my DD off from her family.

NurseKate - I so empathise with you over the requirement to abase yourself before being considered for a wedding invitation. About a week before Christmas, when I was just anticipating getting to the end of a very difficult year, I spoke to DD - who is expecting a baby in early January - she suggested that I would only be able to see the new baby if I wrote some grovelling letter to SIL for events that occurred nearly seven years ago. She was apologetic and said 'SIL is my husband', that the baby wasn't even born yet, and that she didn't want any stress. I said that there wouldn't be any stress from me, what was this letter supposed to say, I had tried my hardest with SIL etc, I couldn't make him like me - at which stage, she ended the call abruptly, not in a rude way, but as though she were upset.

The following week I received a letter to say that I had upset her because the Christmas presents were not to their liking, the ham in the hamper was too dry, they didn't like the vegan chocolates (bought because DGD1 had a dairy allergy), the pyjamas were not natural fibre (they were in fact Tencel, which is a natural fibre made from wood) and they only like natural fibre. She didn't mention the cashmere items or the silk pillowcase, but perhaps they had not arrived. She said it was all too extravagant and I was wasting my money and it showed that I did not know her.

I felt like saying, 'No, I don't really know you, as I have hardly seen you over the last five years', but I just said that I had sent the gifts because I loved her and wanted her to have nice things, as I did her sisters. I received this message the day before the funeral of one of my closest friends, which was also triggering, as it was the same time last year that we held my DH's funeral. I was so devastated and upset and I wondered if she had sent this message deliberately to hurt me. Anyway, I decided that enough is enough, I can't carry on like this - I felt that I hit my personal rock bottom, and something in me has shifted. Just as I felt that things were improving, that trust was starting to grow again, it was all extinguished.

I decided that there is no way that I am going to write any letters of appeasement, which I know will just be used as a stick to beat me with. DD appeases SIL, but I am not going to. I am worth better than that, as are we all. I agree with no more turkeys to cook, that we have all done our imperfect best, and that this time is now for us.

Anyway, DD actually called on Christmas Day, it took her a while to get through as we were FaceTiming DH's sister for a long time. However, when we spoke she was like a different person, thanking me for the DGDs' gifts, saying how sad I must be about DH, finishing off with 'I love you'. We had also received, the previous day, a home baked cake for me, and vegan biscuits for her sisters (but not gluten free, so DD3 could not eat them), beautifully packaged, so I like to think that there is still some love there. In fact, I am sure that there is, but equally sure that SIL will continue in his attempts to stamp it out.

After all the calls etc, I ended up eating a vegan Christmas dinner with my other daughters (I didn't have the energy to even heat up the ready sliced turkey I had bought for myself) and we had a lovely day, but yesterday we were all exhausted. I actually felt quite ill and slept for close on 30 hours and had nothing to eat. I am sure it was all stress related. But I am feeling much better today.

Sending festive wishes to you all and especially to my dear friend, Smileless, who has helped so many of us.

DerbyshireLass: Thank you for this inspiring, thought provoking thread, it really touched me, describing my two entitled " Madams" perfectly...and the Mel Gibson phrase, is indeed apt. There are times when I have least expected it, feeling victimized, imprisoned by their vile attitudes, behavior and rhetoric. My estrangement with the younger " madam" has been on & off for 8 years, she appears to endear herself to me, then uses whatever means she can to shoot me down...e.g when getting married she sent me an A4 page letter with several conditions in which I had to fulfill if I was to be considered for an initiation. I walk on eggshells around both of them. I never know what to say for fear of it being construed. You are quite right DL, they do not posses the strength of character, resilience & stamina that we do... my madams are insulting, rude, demeaning, only to me, father is respected and gets none of the vitriol I have over the years. The 34 y.o madam uses terms like " scapegoating, gaslighting, narcissistic to describe me, she is a Journalist which might shed some light on part of the " WHY " she appears so entitled, precious, and that her opinions of me must be voiced and / or written down , given to me.. I often wonder if these ratbag adult kids treat their friends like they do their parents...I think not. As you say, what better " scapegoat" than a parent, in my case it's only me, the loving, caring stay at home Mum, who was always there, unconditionally nurturing the 5 of them. Like you, DL, I will not forgive & forget too soon...adopting the same policy" wait & see " until I get an apology. A negative in this sad, sorry saga, it has hardened me, made me feel less sympathic, caring, to humanity, which I detest, so opposite to the person I am, and how I see myself. On that note, sincere thanks to you DL and everyone else for their insightful contributions to this relatively new evolving culture of adult children - parent estrangement. I gave my " madams" and their 3 brothers my best years...now I'm 70...the remainder are for me!! Happy New year to all.

once again Madam left her manners at home

Oh boy, I recognise that one DL. It doesn't make for fun times does it!!

Oh Whiff, hope you are now feeling better. I can’t look at old videos - self preservation thing. Well done DL. Sounds like you managed yesterday well. I’m sorry Scotty, but it really is easier once we let go of hope of things changing. As Allsorts said, every year at Christmas there is the thought that they might get in touch….but why would they? If they wanted to reconcile, it wouldn’t need Christmas for that to happen. I strongly suspect they get a payback/kick of some sort from the estrangement that fuels them, so why would they give this up? Better to accept what is, live as fulfilling a life as possible, love those close to us who are in our lives….and paradoxically, wish good things for our EC who aren’t! It’s the only way I’ve found to really let go. Here’s to a happier 2022 for us all!

Whiff, It’s only natural you get a wobble, Christmas does that.°That one day does not unfortunately change their personality.
No messages from my d or gd, they knew it would hurt, but there is little point as it wouldn’t change a thing, you can’t make people love you if they don’t, even your own child. Thank goodness for your lovely daughter and family are all you need Whiff. They are always there for you.
Derbyshire, you managed the day well, you have managed to be in control, which is more than I ever did initially. Christmas for me doesn’t hold the magic anymore. It different with little children.

I have been reading posts on here for some time now and have found such encouragement from those who are in this same horrible situation.

I have 2 AC, the eldest took his ball home 19 months ago after I told him off for something. He was offended at this and despite our best efforts continues to ignore us.

The other AC lives relatively close by, and we have put up with all sorts of rejection from her. We have tolerated things that we would never have put up with from anyone else in order to keep relationships with our DGCs. I have texted, messaged various times in these 3 years but more often than not we are ghosted.

Yesterday we spent the day alone. No invitation for even a cup of tea and a mince pie. Invitations issued for them to come here are refused. DH and I have each other for which I am so thankful.

This morning I have decided that enough is enough. We have bent over backwards to try to restore relationships to no avail. We are not perfect parents, no one is, but we have always been there for them and have done our very best

So..... I have tendered my resignation to the doormat club. We need to look after our own selves and this is dragging us down.

Thank you for reading

Ah bless you Whiff. Sending you hugs, healing vibes and loving thoughts. ?. Enjoy your hot shower and a nice breakfast and hopefully you will feel better and you can pop your Warrior Queen crown back into place.

I'm guessing a few of us will be sharing your feelings of let down, sadness and melancholy today. Doubtless tears will have been shed.

I had a lovely Christmas Eve with my younger son and girlfriend. They made me feel so welcome, cherished and loved. Yesterday my troublesome son and his charming wife came. It was of course lovely to see the grandchildren but alas I can't really say the same about my son and DIL. My son was good company but once again Madam left her manners at home.

The day passed off pleasantly enough but I'm in no real hurry for a repeat performance. In actual fact I have made up my mind that as I shall be 71 Next Christmas and I will not be hosting them next Christmas.That was absolutely the last time.

I will never cook a Turkey again. ?

Feel absolutely drained today so just taking it easy.

Hope you all had best Christmas day you could have with or without family members.

I had a lovely day at my daughter's . Lots of lovely presents and food and fun. Her in law's where there which was lovely as the are a really nice couple.

But when I got home felt the loss of my son and grandson's. My daughter's boys know 2 nannies and a grandad . But my other 3 grandson's only know 1 Nannie. They have 2 cousins they don't know plus extended family .

I fought against watching videos of them but gave in this morning and watched the Easter video it's 5 mins long. My son and daughter in law had set up a lovely Easter egg hunt in their garden for them. It was taken in Easter 2020. It was lovely watching my 2 grandson's and hearing them. Hearing my son and daughter in law as well. Why do I do this as I was in tears watching it and still are.

I keep thinking I can do this and have made peace with not seeing them and then I do something like this and hurt all over again.

I stupidly hoped this year I would get a merry Christmas mom from my son. Even though I knew I wouldn't.

I hate feeling like this because I know I am stronger than this. But I don't fight the tears as I know it will only make me feel worse if I do.

I know if he ever got in touch we could never have the relationship we had . As I can never forget him or trust him again. And know deep down he won't ever get in touch. But just today I stupidly hope he does.

But then again if he turned up on my door step I wouldn't know whether to hit him or hug him or both.

At least writing it down gets it out of my system and I don't have to carry these thoughts about with me all day.

Really need my husband to hold me right now. ?

My Warrior Queen crown has fallen off this morning. But should be back in place after a hot shower and breakfast.

Thanks for listening my friends.

Belated Merry Christmas everyone. ?

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone

Thank you for your welcome and your words of wisdom.

Santa has been!

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year to come.

Look under GAS or Sign for grandchildren