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Estrangement

SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

(372 Posts)
Smileless2012 Sat 13-Nov-21 17:16:04

Here we are again ladies, look forward to seeing you all here on our new thread.

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Nov-21 17:19:58

You had the honour of being the last poster on our other thread Whiffflowers.

Goodness, don't lose too much weight or you'll disappear altogether. It's an amazing achievement; well done x

Bridie22 Sat 13-Nov-21 17:39:43

Thank you for the new thread smileless.

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Nov-21 18:04:14

Great to see you here Bridieflowerscupcakewine to celebrate another support threadsmile.

Pantglas2 Sat 13-Nov-21 18:31:08

Just popping in to say hello to Smileless and all.

I do read and feel for all estranged folks having been there myself and marvel at the strength of character you’re all showing at different stages of the whole horrible journey!

Everyone’s story is different but the pain we’ve all felt is universal and sharing on here alleviates it to a huge degree. I wish it had been around 15 years ago when I felt so devastated, embarrassed and alone!

Onwards and upwards every one 💐

Granniesunite Sat 13-Nov-21 18:37:34

Thanks smileless for this very supportive thread. It’s a blessing on a bad day to read the courage and sheer strength of character that is posted by the brave grannies on here. It gives me the courage to keep on going and gives me hope for the future.

Whiff Sat 13-Nov-21 18:50:31

Smiles didn't mean to be 1000 . It takes me a while to write and post and then noticed your post was posted same time as mine. Didn't mean to steel your thunder .

So glad you are keeping the thread going. It my life line. ❤️

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Nov-21 20:50:24

You didn't steal my thunder Whiff we share the thunder and on a good day, the occasional bolt of lightening toogrin.

Whiff Sat 13-Nov-21 21:32:40

Suddenly I was singing Bohemian rhapsody. 😁. I will never disappear weight wise I started at 19+st. Just want to get to 11st. Will always have large thighs 🤣.

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Nov-21 23:08:25

And a large heart Whiffsmile.

OnwardandUpward Sun 14-Nov-21 00:54:38

Onwards and upwards everyone!

Madgran77 Sun 14-Nov-21 10:07:53

Hi All. Good that there is a new thread.

Whiff VERY impressed at your weight loss! Well done!

"Onwards and Upwards" is a good driver for us all I think in whatever situation we are in. Thinking like that always helps me to find different perspectives on situations as they arise and helps me to decide on a way forward for me...and sometimes helps my resolution when I know that I have to "stick to my guns" despite it being hard to do so!

Rather like the thunder and lightning analogy too! 🙂

PetitFromage Sun 14-Nov-21 13:10:10

Thanks so much for starting a new thread Smileless. You have brought comfort to so many, including me!

So, my mother in law is in hospital, pneumonia, 50/50 chance of survival. A wonderful and inspirational woman, whom I love dearly, and my sister in law, whom I’m also close to (DH’s sister) has been diagnosed with a serious heart condition, potentially fatal, but is having surgery the week after next. Does it ever end?

Two more people who loved DD1 so much, especially her granny, who sent her a special birthday message when she was so ill. Someone DD1 did not inform that she had a great grandchild. Despite her grandparents moving closer to us to spend time with their grandchildren and always being a much loved part of the family.

I so hope MIL pulls through, although I suspect she is ambivalent, has dementia with good days and bad days, and misses her husband and son (my DH) so much. But I hope that she can be around to support her daughter and also DD2 and DD3 would be devastated to lose her, so soon after their Dad and beloved aunt. Sometimes I just feel that I am surrounded by ghosts!

All of this is making me feel angry with DD1 again, although I am trying to resist it, as I know it does no good. I genuinely don’t know if all of this is because she is in a controlling relationship (she says son in law made her cut contact), whether she collaborated, or both.

Like Derbyshire Lass, whose posts I find totally inspiring, I am playing along, the long game, hoping to have enough contact to build a relationship with my DGC, despite the geographical distance. I also won’t be browbeaten or beg, or pay to have a relationship.

I just tread water from day to day in this strange, surreal world I have joined.

Sorry to sound a bit negative, but I think we all value this thread as we can be ourselves. Better to vent here than with DD1, play into SIL’s hands, and make a delicate situation worse!

Elless Sun 14-Nov-21 14:10:42

This thread is soon going to be as long as the other one with every one saying hello grin

Well done Whiff I've tried everything to lose weight, I can maintain it, I just can't lose it sad

DerbyshireLass Sun 14-Nov-21 14:19:56

Good Morning....thanks for the new thread Smiles. I agree with everything everyone has said......this thread is an absolute lifeline. A place where we can be ourselves, voice our thoughts, ruminate and mull things over, even rant when we need to.

Not negative at all PF. And you are quite right it's better to do it all here than risk bottling it all up and then blowing up with our errant offspring and making matters worse. As you say, it would just be playing into their hands.

I am determined that there is no way on this earth that Madam will get the better of me. I will be defiant until I breathe my last.

To paraphrase Mel Gibson's William Wallace......she can take my son, she can take my grandchildren but she cannot take my FREEDOM. She may have broken my sons spirit but she will never be able to break mine. I will be me, whatever the cost. I will not compromise my integrity ever again.

I just know that one day my sons marriage will end in divorce and he will be rid of her. OK I might be dead before I see that day but it will come, In the meantime I will just live my own life on my own terms. She may think she has "won" but it is a Pyrrhic victory. She will end up paying a very high price.

😂🤣 here's me using military terms again.....I can't help it she just brings out the fighter in me. There is no way I will just metaphorically lie down and let her trample all over me ever again. I am done playing nice.

We ARE warrior queens and we will all fight back. All of us will stand proud and we will reclaim our joy in life. In our own quiet way we will win in the end. We will have our pride, our dignity and our integrity. They have no pride, no self respect, no integrity. They have lost their moral compass.

Our errant sons and daughters just don't have our strength of character, our stamina or resilience. That's why they have estranged us. They can't cope with their lives so they play the victim card and find a scapegoat rather than admit to their own inadequacies.

What better scapegoats than their parents, because they know that we will accept their bad behaviour and continue to love them, no matter how badly they treat us. That's what parents do.

Well I will love my son but I have come to realise that I don't have to like what he has become, I don't have to condone his behaviour and I don't have to "forgive and forget". In fact I refuse. Until I get a fulsome apology and he demonstrates that he is truly repentant then he has forfeited all his rights as a son. Oh I will go through the motions but, like you PF, I am playing a long game, keeping my cards close to my chest and just treading water. Just biding my time, adopting a wait and see policy.

I woke up this morning feeling angry at the injustice of my situation but I wrote it all down in my journal and since then I have been busy, venting my frustration by cleaning the house.😂.

It's nice and sunny so going to take a break now and go for a stroll.

Keep your peckers up........we mustn't let our silly, selfish offspring grind us down. Remember they are the losers. They have screwed up their lives, we don't have to let them screw up ours as well.

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Nov-21 14:23:47

It's a great start isn't it Elless and shows how much it means to us allsmile.

I'm so sorry about your m.i.l. and s.i.l. PFflowers. It's understandable that these things resurrect some anger and it's good that you are able to come here and unburden yourself with all the friends you've made.

Playing the long game is all you can do and is an excellent strategy.

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Nov-21 14:25:46

Another empowering and positive post DSL you are most definitely a warrior queen[grin.

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Nov-21 14:25:58

oops grin

Whiff Sun 14-Nov-21 16:42:25

PetitFromage sorry to hear about your beloved mother in law and sister in law. Why is it the good people always have to suffer and the rotten horrible ones go through life like they are bullet proof.

I suppose if was easy it would be boring. But having loved ones very ill I would take boring any day. At times like this you need your other half by your side but you can't and that's not fair. I hope your daughter's can give you the hugs you badly need and are supporting you.

You are not being negative you are in pain and rightly so. My thoughts are with you. 💐.

Elless it's taken me since 2017 to lose the weight. After decades wanting a quick fix realised losing weight is a marathon not a sprint. If I only lost quarter a week I am happy. If I put on like this week . Put on quarter of a pound I don't worry about . Today is the start of another week . The old me would have given up if I put on but since starting this journey I haven't given up . Been wearing trousers for the lat 2 years thanks to my daughter's encouragement. Being able to maintain weight is an achievement. You should be proud. It's as hard to do as lose.

Love your posts DerbyshireLass . We are an army of Warrior Queens with Smiles leading us in her chariot. William Wallace very apt.

Madgran thank you .

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Nov-21 17:47:26

We arrived at our lodge just over an hour ago, for a 2 week stay which will be our last this year. We don't usually come after October and it was odd arriving in the dark.

It was rather chilly when we arrived but warm and cosy nowsmile. Just the clothes to unpack and then we're sorted. Dogs have been walked, fed and watered so just us to see too later after I've finished my wine.

A lovely service at church this morning. The last post always makes me cryblush.

OnwardandUpward Sun 14-Nov-21 20:57:35

Ahh that sounds wonderful Smileless! Hope you both have a brilliant time!

Madgran77 Sun 14-Nov-21 21:17:48

Have a lovely time Smileless

Madgran77 Sun 14-Nov-21 21:22:56

Have a lovely time Smileless

Spring20 Sun 14-Nov-21 21:26:45

Hi everyone. Just want to say thanks to you all for keeping me sane these past few years, especially when have felt really low. Have been worried about posting as afraid EC might be looking on here. But please know what you write and post reaches and helps so many more than those who engage. You have been/are the family who understand. Bless you.

crazyH Sun 14-Nov-21 22:17:57

I keep wondering, is there such a thing as middle child syndrome? My middle son definitely has it . It comes to the fore when he’s had a few drinks., I love them all, but my youngest N is very special - the sweetest natured boy /man you could find . At the Bonfire party, I had a couple of drinks and I said, in front of everyone “this world would be a better place, if there were more Ns in the world.” That touched a nerve I think with S . Well, it’s about time he faced the truth. He has been difficult , so has his older sister for that matter. The truth can’t be sugar coated. Everyone loves my youngest son, but the other two they can take or leave 😂