SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Oki great !
I can’t seem to find it ?

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas.
I haven't posted much, tbh it's too painful.
But, I'm trying to find a new purpose to life. So far no change. I do hope and pray for those of us in this position to find some peace.
Enjoy what you can this Christmas. X?

shamene there is already a thread for this.

Nanalouise Allsorts is right. White lie won't hurt. Your husband has to come first. My darling husband was diagnosed with Grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001 he was given 5 years to live . Had it removed and skin graft as it was on his face. Only the children knew he wouldn't live. He didn't want anyone to treat him differently . It was like living with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. It was very important to him we had a normal family life.

When the sword dropped in October 2003 he was given 4 months to 2 years. We knew it was months. At his last Christmas he decided he wanted to get to his birthday in February. He was in hospital for that as he collapsed at home. The day after his birthday he was told he had 5 weeks. He came home the next day once the oxygen arrived. That was Wednesday lunch time he died on the Friday at 1.27pm after I told he to stop fighting we would be ok. Just me and our children where with him as he wanted .

Why have I told you all this. Your husband has cancer plus facing chemo and radio therapy. He doesn't want to waste a minute with people he doesn't like. You must do want he wants. Because you don't know how much time you have left. You need to cherish every minute you have together.

My husband only saw the people he wanted I made sure no one was allowed any where near him he didn't want.

This is blunt I know. But with cancer you don't know how long you have. My darling husband ended up with 3 tumour's in his right lung 1 in his chest and 2 in his brain by the optic nerve. He died in agony aged 47.

Life is to short . Cherish the time you have together. Hopefully this has meant you put him first.

Sorry if I upset anyone but felt a short sharp shock was needed. Because once you lose the other half of you you are never whole again. And you don't want to look back and regret things you should have done differently. Done that and got the tee shirt.

Hello all
Wishing you all a very Happy and healthy Christmas !?.
Just wanted to share a petition on change.org. To give grandchildren the right to meet their grandparents ..
Many, many are suffering this loving relationship loss.. please do read it and if you agree sign it.
The pain is unbearable especially at this celebratory time..

?❄️?Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas and New Year and 2022 is a good one

A very happy Christmas to you all from me too!
To those hurting - to have got to this point you’ve already proved you are stronger than you knew! No matter what others do/have done to us - be kind to those we are in contact with. And to ourselves too!

To all my friends on here, A Happy Christmas.x

Nana, please don’t waste your valuable time with your husband worrying about your d. She should put her feelings aside for her father and you, but if she won’t, that will have to lie on her conscious not yours. You have each other, make this time happy to get through his treatment, be positive. If you both cannot face your mother, I would be kind and tell a white lie, say he is feeling unwell and not up to the visit, perhaps you could put it on hold for another time. I don’t know why or how your mother treated you badly, but perhaps in time it can be resolved, but maybe not at this moment when your priority must be your husbands health. I wish you a happier, health new year.

Happy Christmas everyone and I hope you all have a better new year x
I’ve still not heard from our DD I feel angry at the moment as my DH her father has cancer and starts chemo and radiotherapy in the new year which she knows about and hasn’t made any contact with him I can’t get my head round how cold and cruel she is?
On another note I’ve invited my mother and her husband over on Boxing Day but my DH doesn’t want to spend time with them because of how I’ve bee treated by my mother. I understand how he feels but I feel guilty that they are on their own for Christmas, How do I get out of that?

Welcome Hilltop & Hymnbook

Newly estranged ones, you have to remember that when first cut out, it's such a shock, that your brain doesn't work as it normally would. They say when you're newly bereaved you shouldn't make any big decisions for at least 1yr and that is true, I think, with estrangement. I was saying just this to my son yesterday. We all seem to have had the same treatment; swiftly cut out without any explanation as to why.

I am not a warrior queen, far from it. What my estD did to me destroyed me, I'm not the same person as before all this.
I loved and adored my youngest child, my now estD, and I loved and adored my GC. I did my very best for them and as the song goes I'd catch a grenade for them

''Twas the night before Christmas........"

Lovely post Whiff. Lots of happy memories there for you.

Your husband sounds a lot like mine, especially with last minute present buying, usually mine. . On Christmas Eve I used to ring his Secretary to make sure he got out of the office on time before the shops closed. ?. Bless her, she fussed over him like a mother hen. Always made sure he got home ok after the office festivities when he had over imbibed.

In his honour and the season of joy and silliness here's one of my husbands favourite little Christmas jokes........

Borrowed from the immortal words of the Chief Weasel in the Wind and the Willows.......

"the Condiments of the Season and A Preposterous New Year".

Merry Christmas Everyone. ???

For some reason page 25 won't load. So in case I didn't say welcome Hilltop and now Hymnbook to a club no of us wanted to become a member. But you have joined a band of Warrior Queens. You have shown you are already ones. May not feel it but you are.

This is a wonderful place to be support,advice ,non judgemental , understanding and most importantly friendship.

Our friend will be back soon . She wishes you all a merry Christmas and happy New year.

Had a wobble day yesterday. Not because of missing my son and 3 grandson's but because of my husband. Happens every year either 23rd or 24th. I am fine with birthdays and anniversaries but Christmas was his favourite time of the year. So I allow myself a sad day but never Christmas day. He was a big kid at Christmas.

Before we got married he would never do any Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve. He was a joker when it came to my presents. One year under the tree there was a huge present . He had walked into my parents as if it weight a ton. So I gingerly pulled it out. He fooled me it was a giant teddy bear. Which our children had many fun years with.

The following year he did the same thing . But this time nearly gave myself a hernia it was a sewing machine.

Once we where married he still went out Christmas Eve but just to get me one last little gift. As I could never leave things to the last minute. Mind you he was still a joker. The year I was pregnant with our daughter there was a huge box. Which was a box within a box until I ended up with a small box with a beautiful necklace in it.

Once our daughter was born still went out Christmas Eve but this time it was to buy our daughter a secret present I didn't know anything about he continued this once our son was born. Unfortunately his last Christmas 2003 he was to ill to do it so I said I would do it but he said no it is not the same. Broke my heart .

That's why I have a pre Christmas wobble. So I can celebrate Christmas day for us both. Will be with my daughter and family plus her in law's who I get on very well with.

As I can't remember what I wrote on page 25. My brother and sister in law plus Aggie came on Monday had a wonderful day . Hadn't seen them since June because they put their house on the market in August. Exchanged and completed last week and staying with her dad. They hope to exchange on her dad's and the bungalow they are buying on 5th January and complete on 7th. Like me they are moving over a 100 miles but to live in the north east. So instead of going south to visit them just need to go across the country.

DerbyshireLass hope you don't end up biting your tongue to much tomorrow. Think madam will behave then normal service will resume after Christmas. But at least you are prepared and won't let her win this time . Have a wonderful boxing day with your son and his girlfriend. Christmas mark 2 for you.

Total estrangement is awful but at least you know where you stand. Like I have said many times as you know I ramble on. My son wanting zero contact helped me. No abuse to put up with . Still miss him and my 3 grandson's but made peace with it ok have wobbles but I'm a mom and grandmother . Can't ever switch that off.

Purplepixie well I have told you in my PM message how I feel.

So my fellow Warrior Queens have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year to you all . ?????

Hi Hilltop welcome to this lovely thread. No your not alone and you will get good support here when you need it.

Its especially hard at this time of the year yes but we just keep on living as best we can. Who knows what the next day will bring. I hope you get a bit of joy from the contact with your granddaughters.

When l was estranged, nearly 3 years ago now, l was very upset and tried to contact them. I now wish l hadn't and l am even now occasionally tempted to do so, especially at times like Christmas.
But l know that now any contact will not be started by me. Actually, l feel sorry for my ES, his wife has caused him to be cut off from his family and l do think he needed us.
He believes that l have changed from the person l was, which is not true at all. It is he who has been changed, l can't believe what he now believes about me.
Anyway, I'm so pleased that this thread is here and l know that l am not alone in this sad situation.

Derbyshirelass you sound very sensible and clued up about Narcissism. It's best to tread lightly I think and be wary. It's very true about mercenary people, I think. None of us wants to be just a wallet.

They call it ghosting nowadays don't they, just disappearing without a word. It's very cowardly and cruel. I hope that they would have the ability to do as they would be done by, but they don't seem to have a conscience or perhaps not the awareness to realise how hurtful their behaviour is.

Or maybe they are "crazymaking" on purpose to try and elicit a reaction from us so they can say "See, I told you she was nuts!"

Allsorts. Don't beat yourself up. You've done your best. You are where you are and you are now ready to move forward now,

It's never too late to make a fresh start. The best is yet to come. ?

Welcome Hymnbook, to the club that none one wants to join.

It's so difficult when EACs wont even tell you what's wrong and why they have decided to estrange. The least they could do is have the guts to talk to you, even if it means you having to listen to their tirades and rants. At least you then you would know what "crime" you have committed. But to simply just cut you off dead without a word of explanation is, to my way of thinking, the cowards way.

Is your son being manipulated and controlled. Perhaps he just dare not meet with you because he knows he will be punished for doing so. There could well be some serious coercive control at work here.

As to why your DIL doesn't like you......well if she is mercenary
And money obsessed then it's probably because now that you are retired she thinks the tap has been turned off and there's no monetary gain for her so she no longer has to keep up any pretence at friendship or kinship.

If it's the case that you have been cut off because you are seen as having no further monetary value to then you really are better off without them in your life. No one wants to be wanted purely for the sake of their wallet.

It's good that you are still in contact with your granddaughters.

Hilltop.....thank you.

I have struggled to come to terms with what has happened this year, especially the timing. Madam launched her attack just 4 days before the 7th anniversary of my husbands death. I am pretty convinced it was deliberate, cruelly calculated and timed for maximum impact, knowing full well that the anniversaries are a difficult time for me.

Still I know now and I shall ensure that I won't be vulnerable next year. Covid permitting I will ensure that I book a holiday to coincide with the next anniversary.

Oddly enough DIL was here this afternoon, to pick up some parcels which I had allowed to be delivered here whilst she was at work. She was sweetness and light and absolutely charming.........??. She is either love bombing and hoovering, trying to catch me off guard for when she delivers her next broadside or she is genuinely contrite and trying to mend fences.

I am inclined to think its not really genuine and she just wants to lull me into a false sense of security.

Well I'm not buying it. ??. Once bitten, twice shy. That red velvet rope will be staying firmly in place.

As the saying goes. "Fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me".

Well as The Who sang "I wont get fooled again".

Hilltop....what happened .this year has really changed me. I will never take my son and DIL at face value ever again. I shall always be watchful and on my guard. I don't want to be suspicious and cynical but the simple truth is I can't trust them anymore. Sad but true.

Welcome Hymnbook, Sorry you are estranged from your son. As Whiff and Derbyshire have said, life is too short to be bought down by people that don’t care. I feel loads better having made the decision that I can’t do anything about the situation, despite trying every way I could to reconnect with my d, it was time to realise that her behaviour was so unacceptable, very cruel, no explanations, we can never have any type of relationship now. I wasn’t loved or respected, if I was alive or dead, she didn’t know. I will value myself, the rest of my family and my friends. Pity it took so many wasted years to get to this point.

Hymnbook Welcome, you will find kind, understanding empathy here as well constructively critical friends offering advice to help you find a way forward for yourself. I am sorry that you are dealing with the "no communication/no explanation" conundrum, it is very hard

Well said, Derbyshirelass, your attitude to estrangement is, l feel, the correct way to deal with it.
Hymnbook, glad you have found this thread, sorry you have need of it! I do not post often but find it very helpful.
Happy Christmas to all Warrior Queens.

Sorry to find you here Hymnbook, but it is a good place to be. We understand, living through it ourselves. I think the hardest thing is when you aren't given the opportunity to communicate, so you don't get to hear what they think you've done. Estrangement is a journey. I too sent cards and gifts, but got no response. Eventually I stopped doing so - it all felt so meaningless, and clearly it wasn't welcomed. However, the upside for you is you get to hear from your granddaughters. Enjoy that relationship. What our EC decide to do is something we can't change. It's sadly something we have to accept. Hope you are able to have some nice festive treats in for Christmas, and enjoy your day. A quiet Christmas doesn't have to be an unhappy one.....and thankfully it really is just one day. Take care.

I've just found this thread. I've not seen my son and dil for at least 3 years. I've no idea what I've done or said to make them act this way. They had a boxing day meal planned my eldest granddaughter was unwell so l was asked at the last minute to go. This was Christmas 2018 . My granddaughters will text me but my son and dil never respond to texts. I still send cards to them for Christmas birthdays and their wedding anniversary. I don't receive anything back. My son and l made arrangements to meet to talk things through but as usual he cried off and made an excuse why we couldn't meet up. I don't think my dil has ever liked me no idea why. When I was working l helped them out a lot. Can't do it now l'm retired. My dil is very materialistic everything to her is about money. I shall be spending Christmas alone again this year. I think I've rambled on long enough. Best wishes to everyone have the best time you can

Atta Girl Pixie. Good to see your fighting spirit Is restored. That's definitely the way forward. When our backs are to the wall we can collapse into a quivering heap or we can stand our ground and come out fighting,

Guess which is the preferred option......?

Shouting is bullying and abuse, pure and simple. And it shouldn't go unchecked. You don't deserve it, no one does. I'm afraid the only way to stop a bully in their tracks is to confront them. not easy I know but I think we are often much stronger than we imagine ourselves to be.

Pixie.....you are doing well, hang in there, don't let him grind you down and ruin your Christmas.

And yes, merry Christmas to all of us.?

Warrior Queens All. ?❤️

????? wishing you all a peaceful and happy Christmas , and thank you for the support you all bring to this site, looking forward to your return smileless ?