SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Let’s all raise a glass to each of us Warrior Queens. To hell with the lot of them. Hot toddies tonight as I had a terrible no sleep night last night. I guess christmas past got in my head and wouldn’t go away. Just making some mince pies and cheese scones and hopefully my youngest son will get here later tonight.

I feel more at peace today after deciding to push them to the background. Why should I be treat like that? Why am I listening when my eldest son is shouting at me? No more! In his eyes I can do no right - so why am I trying to fix something when I do not know what is wrong with it. Stay strong everyone! Christmas will pass and we will come out of it the other side - hopefully stronger. Hugs and love to you all. Xx

Iam64

Where is Smilesless

Smileless is fine, we are emailing each other at the moment, she will be back on here Mon or Tues.

Exactly DL. Well done for extricating yourself from the antics. Is hard for EC to kick us if we’re no longer on the pitch. Even harder if we’re in the bar enjoying a g&t! Restoring the balance of power was the single most important thing we did in all this, for our own sanity!

Spring.......kowtowing, grovelling, treading on eggshells, etc just made me feel utterly worthless. And that wasn't a nice feeling. I hated the way I had demeaned myself by trying to maintain the peace.

More to the point it didn't work anyway. The more I appeased my DIL,, the more concessions I made, the more I acquiesced to her demands the more unreasonable she became. And she dragged my son down to her level. The more I gave, the more they took.

I realised it was down to me. If I was going to act like a doormat then I shouldn't be surprised if they walked all over me. I decided that I needed to stop trying to please them, stop giving in and trying to ingratiate myself to keep the peace. That's when I decided to reclaim my dignity. I simply refused to behave like a whipped dog begging for approval and attention.

And it's the damndest thing ........but I've noticed that now I have made it quite plain that I don't need their validation or approval and that I don't really care what they think about me they have started behaving themselves and treating me with more respect. They have become far more solicitous and eager to please and they have stopped taking me for granted.

I never thought it was possible but all this has been achieved by keeping a dignified silence and maintaining a healthy emotional distance. I now draw lines and boundaries and hold them at arms length. I do not initiate contact. I let them set the pace. When I respond to their overtures I am warm and friendly but I do hold part of myself back. I have learned to say NO and not to always be available.

I guess this might sound cold and calculating on my part but so far it's working. Although of course I am half expecting madam will fling that back in my face during her next meltdown. She will no doubt accuse me of being cold, distant and uncaring. ??.

I have no idea if what we have now is a temporary truce or a lasting peace. Either way it doesn't really matter, because I have rediscovered myself and reclaimed my power. I have changed, I'm much stronger now and I will never again let them ride roughshod all over me.

If they don't like it they can lump it. If they estrange me then so be it. Their loss. I can do just fine by myself.

Wholeheartedly agree with all you’ve said DL. Hard though estrangement is, the time I felt worst was when I grovelled. Never again. Reclaiming my self respect was vital to moving on past the pain. Hugs to you all.

Sending a hug to all of you estranged from ac and grandchildren at this time of year. ?

Elless that's fantastic that your son eventually saw the light. I think age and maturity probably does help.

Pixie. You have been given some really helpful advice on here. I second it.

I suggest you take it easy, make the best you can of Christmas with the ones who love you and cherish you. Don't waste your love on someone who throws it back in your face, even if they are your own flesh and blood.

Then as we go into the new year you need to take time to heal, grow stronger and think about your long term plan of action. But for now do nothing more, stop chasing your son, give him time and space.

Your current situation is intolerable, it will make you ill, you really need to take good care of yourself and then decide where you go from here.

When things blew up with my son and DIL (mainly DIL) I was shocked and in pieces. I couldn't eat, sleep and I had anxiety attacks. I desperately wanted to try and talk to them to sort things out but I decided not to. I decided to simply call their bluff. They said they wanted space so that is what I gave them, zero contact......no texts, no phone calls, messages, invites - nothing.

When DIL threatened she would cut me out of their lives I stood up to her. I told her I didn't take too kindly to being bullied and that I would not succumb to emotional blackmail.

Then that was it. I said nothing more. I then went full no contact. I didn't make a big deal of it, I didn't tell them what I was doing I just did it.

They held out for 10 weeks and then caved. I accepted the olive branch but I haven't forgiven or forgotten and never will. I now play it very cool, I never contact them first, I let them do all the running. I maintain my red velvet rope policy, keeping all conversations light and frothy. I play my cards close to my chest and tell them nothing. I keep my thoughts and plans to myself.

I think DIL expected me to grovel and plead. I think my son didn't expect me to be so strong and focussed. Well I surprised them both and took the wind out of their sails. They eventually realised I was living perfectly well without them and it brought them to their senses.

Of course I have no idea how long the truce will last. I fully expect DIL to start with her tricks again. At least I now know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.

I still maintain a healthy distance and will never ever kowtow to them again.

I suggest you just take a step back.....maybe text your son with a bright and breezy "merry Christmas" and leave it at that. No more phone, no more chasing him.

You may not agree with me but I think it's essential that we maintain our dignity and self respect, that we do not beg, grovel, try to curry favour or in any way compromise our integrity. We have to stand tall and proud.

It might not sound much but our pride and dignity are our best weapons, if not our only weapons.

We cannot make people love us, but we can stand firm, behave with decorum and hold onto our self respect and dignity. If we stand proud and tall it might just make them think twice.

It may seem that our EAC hold all the cards and can call all the shots, but in reality they are the losers in their silly games. They are the ones who will be isolated and alone.

Our foolish, selfish offspring have some serious lifeless sons to learn and once again we have to teach them. We have to demonstrate that we will not tolerate their abuse and cruelty.

Some of them do eventually see the error of their ways, some just need time and emotional maturity, some need to get the rough edges knocked of them by life so they can start to value those who love and cherish them. Sadly there will be others who may never learn those valuable life lessons. They are just too self righteous or pig headed to ever admit their wrongdoing. They will continue to bang their heads against a brick wall and will remain estranged and isolated.

As the old saying goes....."you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

Pixie.....I suggest you just send your son a short and cheery Christmas Day text......something along the lines of "merry Christmas, have a lovely day". And leave it at that. No phone call, no drunken, teary messages, no pleading. Just leave him to it. Let him stew.

This post has too many bugs.just like my life really.?

That’s such a joy to hear.Elless and yes it does give hope to the rest of us. Thanks for posting and enjoy the new person your son has become maturity brings such good things….?

I’m going to discuss breaking away completely from our loved one with the rest of my family after Christmas not that we have much contact anyway cards at birthday,Christmas etc and getting bits of information from others even when we don’t want that ?but would be easy enough to put a stop to.

I’ll see what they are prepared to do, but as there’s a lot of us we’ll all have different opinions but it’s time to decide how we are all going to get on with our life. I think….?

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I will get back to you later. Stay safe.

A little bit of hope ...... My advice for anyone undecided is to make the break, think of yourself for a while. Yes it is hard and it hurts but this is what I did with my eldest son, it was torture because he only lived up the lane from me but all of a sudden three years ago he just turned up on my doorstep and wanted to talk. He was a changed man, before he was really hard work, very critical and demanding but now he has changed so much (probably with age) and we have a better relationship than we have ever had.

Yoginimeisje

It took me 6.5yrs to move on, to stop hoping I would see my estD&GC again. I just went 'cold turkey' and stopped everything; the praying, the lighting candles, buying birthday & Xmas cards, putting monies in my GC bank acc. I opened for them and sorry to say, stopped posting or looking on this thread or even coming on GN at all.

I felt tons better for it, it broke the cycle of grief and I finally moved on, I finally accepted they had gone from my life for ever, I stopped grieving. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Would have been hard to do but I’m so glad it’s made your life easier.

I have thought of doing much the same but I’m finding it difficult as we still “hear things” from others and it’s not good news. I just keep on hoping that one day it will change.
I’m not so “desperate “now though and can enjoy my life again and that’s got a lot to do with some good advice from this thread.

Thanks whiffpass on my very best wishes to our friend.

purplepixieHope today is a better day for you. Looking after yourself and trying to take that step back from the mess will help. Lots of good solid advice on this thread.

Where is Smilesless

It took me 6.5yrs to move on, to stop hoping I would see my estD&GC again. I just went 'cold turkey' and stopped everything; the praying, the lighting candles, buying birthday & Xmas cards, putting monies in my GC bank acc. I opened for them and sorry to say, stopped posting or looking on this thread or even coming on GN at all.

I felt tons better for it, it broke the cycle of grief and I finally moved on, I finally accepted they had gone from my life for ever, I stopped grieving. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Whiff a wise post in the circumstances that you are facing PurplePixie

Stepping back and looking after yourself seems so hard but so necessary.

Thank you whiff.
Sound and wise advise from whiff there Purplepixie, it is especially hard this time of year...as you say its the what ifs and if onlys...you wouldn't allow anyone else to disrespect you so badly so why should your child?
My ES child is now sadly a stranger to me and not someone I wish to know, this person is cruel, selfish, nasty and controlling...I dont remember my child being like that.
So we keep moving forward with the help of those who do care about us, they are the ones worthy of our time.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas ?

Separate note . I will be cleaning out my in box and sent a bit later they are getting a bit full. So I don't want anyone to think I am being nasty deleting messages.

I past on all your messages to our friend . Who is reading the thread and will be back soon.

Only just read yesterday's posts. Purplepixie I am so sorry. What gives him the right to talk to you like that. As others have said he is your son and you his mom. You deserve some respect not being shouted .

I think it's now time for you to think about yourself and your son who adores you.

I know this is something you wouldn't want to do. But you can't go through your life like this. It's not living. You need to stop ringing or texting your son. I know you want to keep in touch because of the grandchildren but at what cost to your physical and mental health.

My son made it easy for me by saying zero contact and that's what he has got. Don't think he thought I would do it. But I couldn't put up with the abuse you and others have had to put up with.

It's time to to stop trying to contact him. I think you have reached the end of your limits. You cannot carry on like this. Time to cut the apron strings on your estranged children. And that way you can start to come to terms with it and begin to feel better about yourself.

You can't carry on being upset all the time it will make you ill and you can't afford that . You have a husband and a son who love you concentrate on them.

Life is to short to waste on people who aren't worth your time. I miss my son and 3 grandson's daily and at times the grief of losing them overwhelms me so I have a cry or a rant . Just to get it out of my system and I am ready for the next thing. My son knew there was a problem with my heart when he wrote that email. We had talked about it the last time I saw him. He was so loving and caring I don't know where that son went. But the son who wrote that email and later sent the presents etc along with his final letter I don't know him . And if he really believes what he wrote he is not a son I want to know.

Like I said zero contact has made it easier for me.

You need to distance yourself. It will cost you your grandchildren but you can't carry on like this. You are stronger and braver than you think. You have some thinking to do. Do you still want this way of not living to carry on because it's not living your life to the full. Time to put yourself and those that love you first and let the rest go.

Smiles could put it better . Allsorts was right in her post.

Come on Warrior Queen you know deep down what you need to do. You have the courage you just need the will.

Ooh Baileys ...the best! Have you ever had "Baileys Pannacotta" Allsorts? If not it's worth a try if you ever see it on a menu.

PurplePixie I hope the weeping has dissipated a bit and that you hear from your younger son soon.

Elless it's so hard on particular days like a birthday , all the memories and the "what could/should have beens. I hope you are feeling a little bit better today

It’s time for me to open the annual Baileys.

Thank you for all of your hugs and well wishes. I didn’t sleep much as all and feel really weepy today. Just waiting for news from my youngest son and hope he is ok. I have decided not to tell him about his half brother. Why should everyone’s christmas be spoiled by him. I might put him in the picture next year. Shopping done this morning and a restful afternoon. DH heading out to do his bits of shopping and I might get some presents wrapped. Thank you.

Pixie......I am so sorry to hear this. I don't know quite what else to say. Hope you feel a little better today. Try to get some sleep and rest. Sending you ❤️❤️❤️

I agree it must be the emotional time of year, I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. It was my ES's birthday yesterday so spent the day crying.

I would like to wish Smiles and Mr S a wonderful Christmas along with all the other warrior queens and hope that next year brings us all some peace and joy.

Oh Pixie I am so sorry for your rotten conversation with your son. As you say, you can't phone the school all the time for their TT, your son needs to let you know! Well then tell him 'yes, you would like to go to his holiday home in Devon and yes you would like to go to your GC school activities', so please take this as a yes for them all, every year from now on please' }}}Hugs{{{