SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Do you need a solicitor Madgran? We used one for our LPA's to make sure they were water tight. Due to our circumstances we like to ensure that everything is 'present and correct' if you know what I mean.

I to had thought about telling my son if I needed an operation or terminally ill. But he knew when he decided to throw me away that there was a problem with my heart. So to me that shows he doesn't care about me in any shape or form.

If they can fix my heart they can do what needs doing but he wouldn't be told. The same if I get terminally ill or died. I have talked about it with my daughter and brother and they have agreed he doesn't need to know. My LPA 's I sorted out 2020. And my daughter and son in law know my views on quality of life not quantity. So if I ended up on a machine and I wouldn't be me they know to switch me off.

I was going to pre pay for just a cremation . But when I talked to my daughter she said she wants a funeral and anyway I don't need to worry about it as she will deal with it.

When my husband was terminal we talked about his funeral and he said just do want you want. As atheists we had a non religious funeral. No flowers as both of us always thought the money was better going to a charity. We had 3 pieces of pop music first piece was a Franz Ferdinand song can't remember the title, 2nd Damian Rice Cannonball and left to ELO Mr Blue Sky.

To lighten the moon I loved the TV series Shaft starring Richard Roundtree.

I Love "Shaft"!!! Mr M is busy in the kitchen cooking and I am sitting hr with a cup of tea behaving like the lady of the manor!!!

ACPs are in addition to LPAs, they provide such important information and where estrangement is involved it is really important that Carers etc are aware of very precise wishes.

Thanks for that Madgran we've done LPA's but I hadn't thought about an Advanced Care Plan.

Mr. S.and I are now doing 'floaty 70's arms' to Shaft

I have been supporting a relative with the aftermath of very serious financial abuse by one of her AC. She is estranged from that AC (her choice) and we have discussed in great detail her Advanced Care Plan which includes very clear instructions regarding her wishes in different scenarios as she comes to the end of her life or is seriously ill. It has given her peace of mind that everyone who should know does know what she wants.

Copies of the ACP can be given to other ACs, relatives, friends or whoever is appropriate for an individual. A copy can be left with your DR too. A copy can be handed to any medical facility (eg Hospital or Hospice) or to a Care Home if that situation arose.

An ACP also gives the opportunity to communicate other wishes, preferences, interests, like, dislikes etc to give carers some information about you as a person.

I have completed one for my self as has my DH

I would recommend considering this. There are a range of templates available to look at online

Forgot to say, the same goes for my funeral.

That is something I thought about some time ago Elless, of course how we feel now may change in the future, but then as now, I wouldn't want to see our estranged son if I was seriously ill.

I've told Mr. S. this and a couple of very close friends in case this were to happen and he was no longer here. TBH, I wouldn't want him to know. Mr. S. wouldn't tell him to respect my wishes but I'm sure his brother would say something.

DS doesn't know how I feel about this, he's never asked but if he did, I'd tell him how I feel about it BUT it would be up to him. I certainly wouldn't ask or expect him to say nothing as that wouldn't be right, and would put him in a very difficult position but seeing his brother would be out of the question.

If it were Mr. S., I know he would want to see him so I certainly wouldn't interfere but if at all possible would make sure I wasn't there at the same time.

It isn't anything to do with bitterness, wanting to punish him or to get some form of revenge, it's just not what I would want.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better today 3nanny. It's bitter cold here. Mr. S. took our two on the beach while I put the shopping away. They looked so cute in their lovely warm coats. Actually Mr. S. looked rather good too.

Well it's only taken me just over 5 years since we moved here, to call into a shop that sells vintage vinyl records. I bought a a double Soul album which I'm playing at the moment and it's fabulous.

We have a lot of records which we nearly got rid of when we moved but I'm so glad we didn't. When we moved in, we bought ourselves a new turntable/tape and CD player as a house warming present, and I often put LP's on.

I had a lot of my mum's so when she died, I got a lot of comfort from listening to them; sad but comforting.

Yogin : I have not gone right back in the posts but have pieced together that you are moving fairly soon. Hopefully you are well on the way with your packing and once you get moved I do hope your new home brings you much happiness and a fresh start for you.
I have often thought of moving in the last few years but being alone and just the dogs it all seemed daunting. To be honest my home is large and spacious and my living room is a good size and has patio doors to lead out to the rear garden. I keep furnishings minimal with a large comfy sofa and a comfy chair for my dog that is now blind and my T.V is fitted on the wall. Clever old blind dog knows her little walk to the patio doors to go out side when she needs a wee-wee and she knows her walk to follow down the hall-way passage to the kitchen where her food and water is served to her, so it it is all done to work around her blindness.
Of course I keep this house as well because I never know if at any time I may have the grand-children for any reasons and if that should happen I have bedroom space.
OnwardandUpward mentioned her friend went to court for visitation rights and won. I have thought about it in the past
but because my Daughter keeps up some contact with me then mediation is ruled out because she speaks to me. So no chance of applying to the court for permission to put in an order for contact rights. I don't want to anyway the stress is much too damaging on both sides and right now I cannot deal with it. I am making the most of dear new Grand-son and he is a wonderful addition to the family. My dear son said last week he feels some sadness that his new son has had no contact with his three cousins. Apparently his sister phoned him about three months ago and talked of reconciliation he was going to think about it but he said she had been talking of issues about Social Services with him and also saying strange things about her child-hood. He felt that at the moment she is not stable enough to get into a reconciliation relationship with him and sadly he does not want her around his son. I told him just do what you feel is best for himself and also his partner and baby and to live his best life.

Smilelss2012 Thank-you I feel a bit better today had a bit of a restless night probably because I was pushing myself a bit and managed to get the last decorations down, boxed them up and packed them into the cupboard. the real tree I had is outside it was not that big but looked pretty with the lights on. I also walked the dogs they were happy but it was so cold but I had wrapped myself up well and felt okay.
I thank-you for the virtual flowers Smileless which cheered me up. I noticed a few tips of snowdrops pushing up in the garden yesterday and even the beginnings of some daffodils seems early but hey-ho March will soon be here and that is when I have a nice display of daffs.

All take care.

The answer to your questions for me would be yes I would see my EC if I was terminally I’ll, but I wouldn’t ask her to come in case she didn’t want to, if my husband was Ill I would tell EC unless I was asked not to by husband. I have no bitterness against my d, she has her reasons.
I do worry and hope she is well. It’s so awful that young man taking his life, if only someone had been there at the time, it must be so awful to feel you have no one.

This latest topic has prompted me to ask a question I often think about - if (hypothetically) you were seriously ill in hospital and your EAC turned up at your bedside what would you do?, I often ask myself this and also if my Husband was ill, do I let my ES know?

I have nightmares worrying about something happening to my granddaughter, as does her mum so I get completely how that made you feel Onewardandupward a nightmare for that poor family.

I too hope the parents cooperate and let the child see the grandparents, hope springs eternal .You never know how things will work out.

This is such a good place to visit. Hope you all have a good day today. ????? for all.

I think that's why I can no longer read about or listen to reports about child abuse. Not that I think for one minute that could ever happen to our GC, but it's the not really knowing how they are if they're happy but I'm sure they are.

DS is in touch with his brother and told us when they all had Covid, none of them were ill with it, so we would know I'm sure if there was a problem, but of course if there was, we couldn't do anything anyway.

I can understand why that incident spurred you into action Onward and it's wonderful that it turned out the way it did. Also great that your friend has been successful through the courts and has been awarded a weekly visit.

I hope the parents cooperate and the visits go ahead.

Personally for me I would never go to court to see my grandson's . I know my health would be used against me. Even though it doesn't stop me looking after my other grandson's. But I know my daughter in law would fight dirty after she assassinated me on Reddit I know what she would do. And my son and her mother would back her up.

I have my limits .Years ago when we knew my illness wasn't going to get better and probably worse as the years when on. My husband and I had to go to tribunal to try and get the mobility part of DLA. 6 people sat at a long table and griddle us for 2 hours . It was humiliating . And of course we didn't get anything. This was in the early 90's.

As much as I miss them and my son. It's not an option for me.

Onward glad your friend gets to see her grandchildren. And it shows grandparents are listened to.

Oops I mean to say they matched the gender and age description- but not anything else when I checked. I am sure there are many kids with the same age and gender, but I was only worried about that one.

Part of when I turned up unannounced was because that incident frightened me and I realised that my GC do need me. If my son did tell me to go away, I would have been devastated but at least I'd have done my best for my GC.

One of my friends has just gone to court to get access to her GC and been awarded a weekly visit. We do have rights and so do the kids.

It's not just me then, sorry.

I also checked out a story end of last year about a child matching the description of one of my GC who had gone missing. I ended up messaging a stranger on Facebook, who had helped the child, to ask her if the child fitted the description of my GC. They told me the child's ethnic origin and I knew it wasn't.

I still check out news stories..... It's hard not to.

It never leaves us does it Whiff and Yogin. They have no idea do they. I wonder if they ever think about how much we worry.

OnwardandUpward

Near where my friend lives a young mans body has been found. A passer by said she was worried it was the same "young man" she had talked down from a bridge at the end of December 2021. Apparently he left her after a pep talk and promised to "ring his Mum". It seems like they hadn't been in touch, though I don't know all the details.

It's made me think a bit. Before I was talking to EAC, I used to worry that anything in the news might be him. Even now I haven't heard from him since New Year, but the description doesn't match thankfully. Is it just me who worries like this?

I hope anyone struggling with their MH can find someone to talk to, even if it isn't their Mum.

I worried all the time about my son when he estranged himself for 6yrs, especially when I read things like that or a young guy being knocked off his bike. He's home now and snug as a bug in bed. When I see these domestic killings, I hold my breath till I see what area it is in, thinking of my estD.

Every time I see a story in our local paper I get on line. If it's a death or crash or disappeared . I have to read it to check the age of the person and area they live in.

Where my son and family live it's number 3 on the list for most Covid cases reported in the last month. I know they would have had the jabs but worry if they have had Covid.

Once a mom that's it for the rest of your life the constant worry about your children. And you worry all the more when the grandchildren arrive
.
Why do our estranged children think just because they don't want us that we are no longer their parents.

They should realise how we must feel as they are parents to. But they don't care.

They must think they are perfect . They don't realise when their children are older they could turn on them . Hopefully they don't but it could happen.

I've pm'd you Iam.

Smiles - breathe deeply x

All I can think about is a mother, getting a knock on the door from the police and being told that her son is dead. Her son, that for reasons she may never know or understand she'd had no contact with.

I can't get the thought out of my head but wish to God I could.

That’s so sad Onward. These Covid years are adding to the pressures everyone feels, especially during this emotional roller coaster time of year.
Smiles is right, mum’s worry even about adult children who don’t want us in their lives

Oh that's terrible Onward.

No,it isn't just you who worries about things like this. We're mum's, it's our job and we'll always worry about our children whether they want anything to do with us or not.

Near where my friend lives a young mans body has been found. A passer by said she was worried it was the same "young man" she had talked down from a bridge at the end of December 2021. Apparently he left her after a pep talk and promised to "ring his Mum". It seems like they hadn't been in touch, though I don't know all the details.

It's made me think a bit. Before I was talking to EAC, I used to worry that anything in the news might be him. Even now I haven't heard from him since New Year, but the description doesn't match thankfully. Is it just me who worries like this?

I hope anyone struggling with their MH can find someone to talk to, even if it isn't their Mum.

That's great news Yogin I know the prospect of moving is daunting but it's exciting too. All you need to do when you arrive is un pack and then get those house warming party invites sent out.

I hope you are feeling a little better today 3nanny and Elless one bunch each.

Great advice from Whiff so make sure you take it on board.

Same here DSL Mr. S. took our dogs out for the shortest walk on record I think. Our toy poodle did his business and then turned and headed for home!!!

You'd be surprised how strong the little chap is when he wants to be.