Too late...

That must be so hard for you and especially your son. It was good you spoke to him over the years so this doesn’t come as a surprise. He will have accepted it but it must hurt him. The issues are clearly his fathers, and his fathers loss.
Perhaps one day your son will be curious enough to make contact but that will be up to him.
Enjoy your son, you must be very proud of him.

my dad was out of my life from the age of two (i never remembered him) he came back for a week when my gran died, i lived part time with my gran. i got in touch when my son was 5 as i thought it would be nice for his grandad to know about him, his answer was no, just leave things as they are. i decided about 4 years ago to try and find him, i needed closure, i found him through missing persons on facebook, i talked to him on the phone and the first thing he said was he had been trying to find me for years but did not know my married name, i visited him but did not get any answers, he did not want to talk about it.......i said it was okay and that i felt sorry for him, he is in his late 70s and lives alone, has no friends and not much family, i said to him that he has missed out on a brilliant daughter and a fantastic grandson and now a great gradson, he calls every saturday and the only way i will know if something has happened to him is if the phone does not ring one saturday. it has played on my mind for years, i am now 58, but what made me find him was watching my mum get older and thinking i want to speak or see him, not read a death certificate. it will play on your son's mind and probably on the person who fathered him.

Dee, I really feel for you. To have carried these feelings and had to manage these unanswered questions for over 30 years, is terrible for you both. To have the three of them cut you out of their lives like that is unfathomable. I think it is the 'unfathomable that makes or breaks us in life. I am going through some unfathomable things myself at the moment. Nothing like you though. At the moment I am feeling anger. You sound very calm and have coped admirably. You and your son are clearly nothing like them. I think you are an amazing mum. Feel very proud.

Hello Dee,
I find your story almost unbelievable. How can a whole family cut you off I don’t know, if my son had deserted his wife, I would no more leave my dil to it alone than fly to the moon., that child and you would have been my priority. They are the losers not you, how awful for your son to know his own father and his family walked away. It’s a lot to come to terms with. I suppose all all he has been through would make him a great parent if and when time ever comes, he know what he was missing. You have a lot to be proud of, they have even more to be ashamed of.
I wonder why more than 30 years after, you are still wondering why he left, he was a coward and not up to the job.Clearly not capable of love.Would hope that you can see how wrong it was and have made a happy life for you and your son. Don’t waste a minute on people that don’t care.

My MIL was the product of an affair between her mum (single; 17-18) and a married man. She only met her natural father a few times in her childhood. After her mother married, she was adopted by her stepfather (at her request). She did meet her natural father a few times as an adult.

When her natural father died, she sent a letter to his family outlining who she was. She was, IIRC, very clear that she didn't expect any money or anything like that. She got a NASTY letter sent back from her paternal aunt, accusing her of lying and of being a gold digger. Thankfully in recent years she has been able to get in touch with some of her siblings on her father's side. We have met one of her younger sisters and she's lovely.

OP

As sad as it is, it is way better this way.

Your son at least had one parent that loved him, instead of father that wouldnt treat him as he deserved.

My DGS's situation is not dissimilar. His father knows about him. Doesn't want to meet him. My DD contacted the husband of DGS's aunt (only relation she could find online) on social media to let them know and sent a photograph. He blocked her. DGS's other GPs therefore clearly have no idea they have a grandchild. Their only one.

My DGS is a fantastic little boy. They are missing out on SO much. He is the light of my life and I thank god (or whatever there is out there) for him every day.

Thank you all for your kind words and support....most of the time I don't give them a thought and I really hope my son doesn't.
He really has grown up to be a genuinely good and decent, funny, kind man and I am so proud of him.

When he was younger, I'd see people with extended families...cousins etc and so felt for him on many levels.
I did ask if he'd like to try and make contact with his father or his father's family and he said no.
I never wanted him to make a decision based on his feelings for me....he's maintained that view.

Again there's an anger buried away that surfaces every now and again and more than that, the desire to know why?

I never will but it's enough I've 'got it out'.
Thank you all.

Those questions we will never know the answer to are the worse Dee. As Hithere has posted, your son has one parent who loves him. A mother who wasn't prepared to terminate his very existence at the request of the man who fathered him.

What kind of father would he have been? What kind of extended family would he have had on his father's side when they are capable of such awful behaviour?

Those of us who live with estrangement understand how hard it is to see other families; GP's, aunts, uncles and cousins enjoying the experiences we too thought would be ours to enjoy.

We learn, as I'm sure your lovely son has already, that the people who really matter are the ones who love us and want to be a part of our lives.

When you love someone dearly as you love your son it is incomprehensible that his father could do this. I feel for you and your son but it is their loss and they don't deserve your attention. We found out that my DH had two sisters he had never known about when his Dad died a few years ago and I really can't understand when my DH says he doesn't want to meet them, I would be intrigued to meet them but he doesn't want to so I have to accept that.

It's sad, I know someone who doesn't even know who her father is and has had DNA tests over the years and no joy.

I don't know how a family could do that. I wouldn't support any of my children to abandon their own child yet, this family did..

It makes me feel perhaps they are not the sort of people you would want around your son anyway.

He is loved by you and that is what matters