Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

People that are still recovering forty years later, from dreadful childhood abuse, so bad that everyday it's on their mind and they talk about it, so obviously it's a constant presence and problem. Yet despite all that they go on and find a partner and raise their own families. How do they separate that anxiety from their children when it's always there? How do they compartmentalise emotions so obviously close to the surface to concentrate on their own families?

Let me try this again.

Jenette McCurdy from the US tv show iCarly and the book is called I'm Glad My Mom Died.

VS - wanted to let you know about this book. I have heard parts of her story in the past so I knew her relationship with her mom was not good. I may add this to my reading list.

www.yahoo.com/entertainment/jennette-mccurdy-details-dark-side-160000071.html

Sorry, that is a US Yahoo link. In case you don't want to click it, it is Jenette McCurdy from the US series iCarly. Her book is called I'm Glad My Mother Died.

I thought I would place this here..

I don't know why it's taking me so long to get through the books! I used to read at speed..

A nice short article is sometimes needed instead lol

www.mentalfloss.com/article/93521/7-tips-eliminating-toxic-people-your-life

Always make time for yourself and the things that matter to you

Glad you found us SunshineSally. Completely understand what you mean.

I can talk about my mother without emotion now, more actual fascination into how she is as she is and her behaviour.

But yes, some things do trigger, even when you learn to recognise them and it is tough sometimes

Loved Drop Dead Fred as did my ACs when they were kids.

I just wanted to say that I bookmarked this thread and have found some comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in having survived an abusive childhood with parents that were not suited to each other and were not willing to put the needs of their children first. So thank you VioletSky ❤️. I am fine btw - there are just times when ‘something’ sparks a memory .. and I’m back there ?. Hugs to all x

Occasionally when all my children are at home and we watch a film, we pick something I loved when I was younger.

Today's was Drop Dead Fred.

Now I know why I loved it so much having not woken up to my childhood the last time I saw it.

I guess we have always known about abuse cycles and toxic parents really.

It's worth a watch of you haven't seen it. Hilariously funny with a bit of sadness and some triumph thrown in.

Thank you Allsorts .

Smileless, that last sentence really touched me. I’m sure you loved your mom and she loved you. ?

Lol that was a strange auto correct for "mother", i guess my phone isnt used to seeing that word

maddyone I can imagine I would feel the same in your position and i havent ruled it out because if it transpires one day that I am the only one willing/able to ensure my norher is taken care of I know I won't be able to say no. She might get a bit of a shock that I am a completely different person now with much better mental and physical health and plenty of ways to cope with her behaviour.

Mandrake good for you, keep making the world a better place one generation at a time. Teaching our own children their value and not to take nonsense from toxic people ?

It's great that you've broken the cycle Mandrake as not everyone does.

It takes time to undo unhealthy patterns learned in childhood and time to create the boundaries you need to keep yourself safe. Being told when you do so that you're wrong and you're the problem is all part of the pattern of coercive control and emotional abuse.

That's a very good article, VioletSky. I relate to so much, especially under the discrediting thoughts and emotions heading.

Safe to say that I haven't done to my own children because I know how it feels. I've done the very opposite because of my own experiences.

Mandrake This article is wonderful and really worth the time to read.

If you have a difficult childhood, so many skills in life can be missing and it can be hard to learn later but it is possible.

With parents it doesn't end with childhood it can carry on well into adulthood and it can continue with other relationships too. There are always going to be people in life that look for those they see as weak or susceptible to mistreat.

Healing provides us with those tools needed to keep ourselves safe. We can learn to recognise unhealthy people, to set boundaries to keep them distant, to disengage from drama or arguments and to choose self care.

Healing is a journey, not a destination. Personal growth is ongoing.

When we can recognise the toxicity for what it is, we can avoid it in others and eliminate it in ourselves. The journey is what helps us achieve that and every step matters, even if things get harder for a while or we take a wrong turn and have to backtrack. That makes us the lucky ones. Some AC continue the cycle and become toxic themselves.

Sorry can't sleep thoughts and nearly forgot the link! It really helped me

mindwellnyc.com/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse-in-relationships/

Those articles are helpful, as is reading everyone else's experiences.

I think my mother seeks co-dependence. It's hard to push back against that when any attempt to set boundaries means you are wrong or the problem or being difficult.

I have pushed back when it really mattered but it's been hard.

It's also hard when she's allowed us to be mistreated then pleaded lack of power, when really, it was just easier for her not to stand up for us.

Mostly I'm upset at myself for not pushing back from the beginning but I suppose it isn't realistic to undo the learned patterns of a lifetime as soon as I left home.

The past is done - onwards and upwards towards the future Absolutely right DiamondLily, the best revenge is a life well lived. And I revel in my revenge, with never a backward glance, daily!

It's so sad when someone dies and you're left feeling regret that the relationship could have been better DiamondLily. It must have been bitter sweet to see your children have a better relationship with your mum than you had, but wonderful that you allowed that to happen and didn't keep their GM out of their lives.

It may have been a sense of duty that enabled you to look after her when she had Alzheimer's but it was still a selfless thing to do.

The past is done - onwards and upwards towards the future Amen to that.

My mother was"difficult" (to say the least! lol ?), and I did think, briefly, when I first got married (too young, to get away from her), about estranging her.

But, I didn't do it, because I was very close to my Dad, and I knew the effect it would have on him.

She was great, on a practical level, but totally lacking, with me, on any sort of supportive level. She was the mistress of the constant put-downs and criticism.

But, from a young teenager onwards, I learnt that a passive smile and a bland look, then doing as I liked anyway, took the wind out of her sails. She had nowhere to go with it.,

When I had my kids, I thought I'd wait and see, as I wouldn't allow her to be the same with them - and I'm so glad I did hold off.

She was the most loving and supportive granny I could have hoped for. If I could have chosen a granny for them, I would have chosen her.

My kids adored her (and vice versa) and they still mourn her passing.

I helped look after her when she developed Alzheimer's, and I did it out duty, not love.

When she died, I felt no grief - just a regret that the relationship couldn't have been better and a huge sense of relief.

My kids and grandchildren don't know how I felt about her, and how she could be. And they never will.

Their memories of her are golden, and I wouldn't tarnish them.

I don't know why she was like she was. I don't need to know. It was what it was, and I don't need to relive the past, rehash it, and mull over over it.

The past is done - onwards and upwards towards the future.?

I'm so sorry about your mum maddy, for all she's put you through and continues to put you through and her declining health.

I know from your previous posts how hard you tried to find the best home for her, despite the way she's been, and how nothing you do is ever good enough.

I was 15 when I realised how dysfunctional our family was. We were a family of two halves, me and dad and mum and my brother. When they separated I felt very alone. Not unloved by mum but my second place in the pecking order became very evident.

My dad was inconsistent with contact and it eventually ceased altogether several years ago, despite my best efforts. Poor mum had a history of mental health issues and when she died almost 2 years ago, although still in contact, I hadn't seen her for about 3 years.

I miss her, miss what we had and more than that what I came to realise we'd never had.

I realised pretty early on how‘ messed up’ my own childhood was, but not enough for me to estrange either of my parents.

Me too, although the messing up came from my mother. To be honest, I think I was so brainwashed that I didn’t properly realise how I was being manipulated and abused until later on myself. I knew early on in adulthood that my mother was very different from other mothers.
My mother is now old and in a care home. I visit her, but not as often as I did. I feel a bit sorry for her now. She’s bedbound and messes herself. She shows no interest in joining in any of the lovely activities that the home provides. She says occasionally that she wants to die. It would be a relief for us all.

There is also this one, it may not fit perfectly but may help

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201908/boundaries-and-the-dance-the-codependent

The important thing is that you deserve your boundaries. You deserve to be treated kindly, you deserve to have your own values, you deserve your privacy and you deserve to choose how you spend your time and energy.

It is really important that you reinforce boundaries. So letting her have her, tantrum i suppose, and not chasing her or arguing is a good start.

If she is furious that is not your responsibility, it is hers to learn to respect your boundaries and react appropriately.

Now you are aware of the issues in your relationship, if she cannot come together with you to talk it through reasonably or with some sort of counselling and she absolutely won't accept your boundaries which some parents won't, no matter what. Then it is completely reasonable to pull back from the relationship as much as you need. This ranges from only spending time on certain days, only answering the phone at certain days or times, leaving the situation when she exhibits behaviours, beng very low contact and not sbaring any details of your life with her to full estrangement.

What matters is how your mental health is affected and what steps are needed in your individual situation for you to protect it

This article might belp you Mandrake

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/enmeshed-families-how-to-hold-better-boundaries-for-yourself

I realised pretty early on how 'messed up' my own childhood was, but not enough for me to estrange either of my parents.

Asserting boundaries is for your protection Mandrake, of course it's easier said than done, but if they work for you, that's all that matters and it sounds as if you're doing a good job.

The fact that when she'd finished sulking, came back and said nothing IMO shows that she may have been furious but knew there was nothing she could do about it. Carrying on as if nothing had happened was precisely the right thing to do.

Keep on doing what you're doing and as time goes by, you'll become more confident and hopefully it will get easier.

The challenge is that if I assert boundaries, I'm always in the wrong or 'having a mood'. At worst I've been called a liar. I find it hard to get past that one. She will stomp off to another room and sulk. Last time I handled it by just ignoring it completely. She eventually came out and didn't say anything, but I could tell she was furious. I just went on as if nothing had happened.

Mandrake i remember chatting about this before during lockdown. That people getting a break from certain other people might be feeling a lot of relief and wondering why.

It doesnt seem unusual to come to the realisation that a childhood was unhealthy later in life.

It is never too late to start to heal and put boundaries in place which can be whatever you need them to be to heal and move forward