Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

maddyone the early part of the book is very autobiographical, some of the patients he has worked with and the subject matter is disturbing but it does help understanding

That sounds interesting Violet.

I have been exhausted lately but I am finding time to read The Body Keeps the Score and it is so interesting. I've been learning a lot about how trauma impacts you and understanding myself and can't wait to learn more about managing it

VioletSky

maddy having read your posts you have an almost super human level of patience and kindness, you really do

I think my sister is a narcissistic personality. Not only me, but one of her children, who is a doctor, has said the same thing.
I was the child who quietly accepted all the abuse, even as an adult, for many years. I have only really accepted what my mother is in recent years, although my husband was telling me for years that she was abusive and unnatural. I kept on trying to please her, but I was never successful unless whatever I achieved could reflect well on her. She has spent her life putting me down, making me less than (by constant comparisons with others which always reflected badly on me) and expecting me to fulfill her demands. In order to get me to do that she has been extremely manipulative. My husband says she cannot love anyone, she is incapable of love.

There is a lot of literature about how narcissism runs in families and how children eager to please a narcissistic parent may also become narcissistic themselves.

The golden child, desperate to please and only valued for what they achieve or how much support they give to a narcissistic parent, in an otherwise non nurturing environment, normalise the way they are treated. They are the most likely next generation of narcissists. One of my brothers is a classic example of this.

The scapegoats who just give up and accept their parents words that they are worthless and useless may turn to substance abuse and escapism to dull the pain of their childhoods. This can lead to narcissism too as a result of their behaviour when their addictions come before all else. Another of my brothers.

The scapegoats like me, abused by a narcissistic parent, heaped with all the blame and shame of the whole family but fighting it and refusing to accept how they are treated. The ones who tell the truth and will not lie or cover things up to protect the family image are most likely to escape the family and seek help.

One of my biggest concerns when I went to seek help was fear of being like my mother. I am not a narcissist I found out, I just had learned behaviours which were easy to pick up on and eliminate because I have genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone. Not even my mother by going no contact yet I was forced to protect myself.

There will always be narcissists who scapegoat people willing to speak the truth, to try to silence and humiliate them but they only win if allowed to do so.

Yes of course, daughter, mother, grandmother (if they choose to have children) ... Narcissists age the same way everyone else does

Good point Allsorts

I do not think there are any more narcissistic mothers than daughters, the narcissistic mother started out a daughter.

I agree with jealousy, appearance to my mum was everything and when I was young I was dressed like a doll, which I hated because I liked trousers and climbing trees and bike riding.

As soon as I became a teenager it all changed. I had no clothes, she taught me nothing about periods or the new level of personal hygiene girls that age needed. I got a job at 15 but she made me give most of my wages to her so after travel expenses and sanitary needs I had nothing.

Sometimes she would give me her old clothes but then say I wasn't looking after them, take them back and give them to someone else or they would vanish. I think simply because I was happy with them.

I was so desperate due to bullying at one point, I stole myself a bra because she wouldn't get me one.

She even became jealous of me with my stepfather and this went on for years, little comments and digs any time he was nice to me or I tried to treat him like a father.

Green eyed monster.

maddyone

It is a sad state of affairs that so very many adult children were the victims of unloving mothers. I wonder why so many mothers deliberately bully their adult daughters. I think mine is narcissistic. Are they all narcissistic maybe?

I think for some, they take the 'daughter's a daughter all of her life' as law.

I know when my mother said it, the hair raised on the back of my neck and I told her not to threaten me.

It seems like some have an expectation that daughters are on loan to their own lives, but, like a dog on an extendable lead, if the button is pushed, they're to zap back and put their role as daughter back in the primary spot of their lives again.

Jealousy can also be an issue. Some women find it very hard to go from the pretty young woman/wife/mother to being the mother of the pretty young woman. Plus, there are more options for women today than of generations past. Education, careers, to marry or not, to stay married or not, have children or not. Unfortunately, it seems to lead to some mothers viewing their daughters as either competition, or their chance to 'get it right' by attempting to force their daughters to live the lives they wanted for themselves.

At the end of the day, I think it boils down to control. For generations of women, the only real control they seemed to have was over their children, especially daughters. Society has changed, and it's created a lot of unrest in terms of mismatched expectations in family roles.

I have no idea maddyone. I am not a professional, so I wont diagnose, but my mom does check all the boxes.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand why she is the way she is. She, too, was a victim of childhood abuse, which has created who she is today.

I think understanding is the reason I am helping her. That and I do not want her and my dad to be homeless and want to live with me. But that doesn't mean I want to spend time with her. Honestly, we just fight when together because she is who she is an I don't put up with it. It is easier for both of us.

freedom I'm glad your grandmother has you to look out for her.

maddy it's something I will never understand no matter how much I learn.

I found this very helpful

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

It is a sad state of affairs that so very many adult children were the victims of unloving mothers. I wonder why so many mothers deliberately bully their adult daughters. I think mine is narcissistic. Are they all narcissistic maybe?

No, but I did catch her getting ready to set up my Grandma's LTC payments to go to her house.

Which is not proof of her trying to steal, but based on her past I wouldn't put it past her.

Did you come across whatever it was that she stole before?

Luckily for me, I love a good challenge. LOL

I am actually on the back end of this all now. Getting things settled and organized and knowing what I have to do. Which is probably why I am starting to feel angry. I am no longer overwhelmed, so the other emotions are showing up.

One good thing about my mom is, she IS organized when it comes to her paperwork. Everything had a folder. But there are literally folders all over the house and you never know which one you were going to find next.

I wish I had something helpful to say freedom. I just hope you are finding time for yourself somewhere in all this

Thank you chewbacca.

Sounds like you have very good reason to be angry freedomfromthepast, she sounds absolutely dreadful and I'm really very sorry that you're having to go through all this again. Please, accept these

Well, I am feeding him. Once a week I make a weeks worth of meal, 3 meals a day and drive them 30 minutes to him. I am paying all the bills for him and working out her mess. He sits at home in his office watching TV and playing computer games, same as the last 40 years of his life. So honestly, he hasn't been very affected by her being in the hospital. He worries about her, but as long as he is taken care of he doesn't care who does it and is fine.

I still feel like I got the best part of this scenario. My youngest sister sits in the hospital with my mom all day. And boy oh boy is she being a pill to the nurses.

This isn't the first time in my life I have had to clean up her messes. Wont be the last I am sure.

I have gone through the gauntlet of emotions the last 2 weeks. From almost loosing her (I felt sad in case any of you EP are wondering), to wanting to help where I can (still do) to being angry because this is not the first time I have cleaned up her mess.

And funnily enough, I found info from where she was thinking of disinheriting me. I don't care, I don't need a thing from her. But it will be the final abuse in my long life of her abusing me. A slap in the face really. I am always the one who cleans it up, and my sister the GC gets everything. So typical.

Sorry, I am feeling angry today.

That's a great deal of responsibility for you freedom on top of everything else. How's your dad coping with your mum in hospital?

freedom that's one hell of a motivation

I admire you for everything you are doing

I am up to my ears in an unloving mother right now. She is finally moving out of ICU and getting better while I am cleaning up 10 years of financial crap. Not the first time I have done this either. If I don't, her and my dad will be homeless soon and she sure isn't coming to live here.