Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

Yes it was, I know my mum paints herself as the victim when she is really the bully. I can't imagine ever bullying my own child.

I still haven't finished the books either which I do need to

Interesting summary Violet

Now I've figured out a way to post links on my dinosaur of a phone

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202009/5-boundary-setting-basics-the-narcissists-in-your-life

Something that might help those stuk in difficult relationships

Merry Christmas everyone

Merry Christmas to you VS! I still have some time before Santa comes, but I am pretty far behind you all time wise.

Santa has been!

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas and a happy New year

That is spot on VS

5 steps to not being a scapegoat:

1. Only accept what is truly your responsibility. Let them take responsibility for what is theirs

2. Give yourself permission to step away

3. Refrain from arguing

4. Lean on your circle of support

5. Remember compassion

Saw this and it felt like a hug

Thanks VS. I read a bit more last night.

And 100% true.

Always

Do you have the one that describes his early career working with veterans etc freedom?

I think probably, and maybe I am overthinking here, but I think for the book to help, understanding how the author got to where he did helps us trust the process.

I have tried reading The Body Keeps Score and am having trouble getting into it. I know that there are multiple books by this author. I am wondering if I should read the others first? I keep feeling like I may be missing something with this one that makes me not understand it all.

Allsorts, that is wise advice for everyone.

Mags; Addiction is a horrible disease, I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Allsorts is correct, you do need support. Have you looked at the SUPPORT thread here?

Mags, it must be so difficult for you. I’m afraid alcohol along with any addiction, also mental illness, is terrible to cope with, eventually you will have to distance yourself for your sanity because it breaks you, You need support losing your beloved husband so recently.?

That's a good one too Allsorts. Your mum was a wise woman.

Yes Smileless, that was one of my dear mothers sayings, when people show you what they are like believe them, also, be a little kinder than necessary as you don’t know what troubles they have.

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean you want reconciliation. I hope to be able to forgive one day but reconciliation is definitely notwhat I am seeking.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". It's hard though when you've known someone their entire life, thought you knew them only to discover you didn't know them at all.

So many words that also have many meanings but with more importance...

Like happiness and peace

I think you are correct DiamondLily, VS and MercuryQ. I have accepted she is who she is. Maybe that is not why I am not seeking forgiveness and feel a bit ambivalent about forgiveness as a whole.

Exactly, Summerlove

I think that there's often confusion between 'forgiveness' and 'reconciliation'.

I also think that forgiveness is a highly personal thing, and not something that can be demanded or expected or prescribed.

For some people, they see 'forgiveness' as saying what happened will no longer impact their present/future. Others see it as letting go of the pain as best they can, but never forgetting. There are some that weaponize the concept of forgiveness as well, using it as a bludgeon or goad, ex: "You should be over this by now." "I thought you were *insert religion here*"

I think it's as variable as the person involved. For myself, I find a lot of value in Maya Angelou's words, especially, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." and "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

I agree Summerlove.

I think forgiveness is for the forgiver. So that they don’t carry the weight

It does not mean allowing the offending person back into your circle

Alcohol is the worse thing if you're feeling depressed Maggs as 9 times out of 10 it lowers the mood even more.

I understand your concern but unfortunately she needs to recognise she has a problem and seek appropriate help.

You say she's been better since February, so that is a positive. Do you know what the cause(s) of her depression and anxiety is? It may help you to help her if you know what's upsetting her.

VioletSky

DiamondLily I competely agree with you there

Some people need to forgive their abuser to move on.

Some need to stop forgiving their abuser to move on.

Some need to forgive themselves for blaming themselves, not putting a stop to it sooner or anything that occurred due to abuse that was out of the victims control at the time because they were still under their influence.

I think forgiveness should always start with ourselves

Yes, I do think that anyone harmed by their parents, as children, in any way, needs to shake off the guilt and the feeling of somehow being responsible for how their parents behaved.

Parents are the adults, and the children are powerless in that situation.

All they can do, as adults, is to make sure they are better parent/parents than their one/s are or were.