Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

MaggsMcG I'm not sure this is the right thread for your issue, maybe you should start a new one so that others can see your need and support you

One of my daughters uses alcohol to "cheer herself up" when depressed or anxious. Despite her being the most horrid person when drunk she still thinks she is not dependent on alcohol. When I asked her to give it up for 6 months and offered to give up facebook for 6 months she made excuses and put it all on me. She has been better since by husband died in February but sometimes when she talks to me on the phone I can tell by her tone she has been drinking even if she is not drunk. Everyone tells me no one can help her until she admits there's a problem. I sometimes dread it when she calls as I have to think twice about everything I say so as not to start her off. I love her but sometimes I don't like her. I am worried what she is doing to her liver too.

DiamondLily I competely agree with you there

Some people need to forgive their abuser to move on.

Some need to stop forgiving their abuser to move on.

Some need to forgive themselves for blaming themselves, not putting a stop to it sooner or anything that occurred due to abuse that was out of the victims control at the time because they were still under their influence.

I think forgiveness should always start with ourselves

freedomfromthepast

Counseling has been the best thing for me Hakuna, as does talking with people in similar situations.

Lately, I have been trying to understand my mother more. Why she is the way she is. I guess that is the road to forgiveness. Though I am not looking to forgive her right now, I hope it will come eventually. Maybe I am looking for the reason as to why she made the choices she did in order to understand how a mother could hurt a daughter or a grandchild so that it makes sense to me?

This is definitely a lifelong journey.

I think, sometimes, its less about forgiveness, and more about accepting, throughout life, that some people are angry, unpleasant, and full of spite. There’s not always an “acceptable” reason or excuse.

You can’t change their behaviour, all you can change is how you react to it. Accepting the past is what it was and can’t be changed, being at peace with yourself, and enjoying the future, is a great healer.

Those that have harmed us don’t always deserve forgiveness. Nice if you can forgive, but you’ve got nothing to apologise for if you can’t.

?

Understanding can I think ease the road to forgiveness freedom but I think the ability to forgive comes in it's own time.

There are some things that will never make sense; questions to which there will never be answers. Perhaps being able to forgive requires transcending these things.

Counselling was so helpful to me too.

Mollymalone thank you

I have started The Body Keeps the Score and it is so interesting

Violetsky. What a refreshing post. So brave and helpful. Don't let the dross damp the fire .

Counseling has been the best thing for me Hakuna, as does talking with people in similar situations.

Lately, I have been trying to understand my mother more. Why she is the way she is. I guess that is the road to forgiveness. Though I am not looking to forgive her right now, I hope it will come eventually. Maybe I am looking for the reason as to why she made the choices she did in order to understand how a mother could hurt a daughter or a grandchild so that it makes sense to me?

This is definitely a lifelong journey.

Mental health is so important

I am also the eldest..
My mum is still making life difficult for me - not going into detail.

The reason to work these things out and come to terms with them is because the effect it has on us as people.

We are not simply picking over the past. Mother’s that control and criticise you as a young person can have a big effect on your emotions and self esteem for the rest of your life.

Obviously these mums have had their own issues, and I understand that.

But what’s important to me is my mental health. I had counselling for the first time last week, and I wish I’d done it years ago.

He wasn’t blaming my mum - we both recognised the harm she continues to do - but it’s about building my self esteem and so helping me enjoy my life.

I am also the eldest!

My mother was alone when I was little and my first memories are not good. As much as I don't like my controlling stepdad, at least the physical abuse stopped when he moved in

I'm also the eldest and Beelzebub in action

Shelbel, hugs to you.

V3ra, I know in my case, the toxic behavior I grew up with was normal for me. It was not until I got out in the world and had my own kids that I learned that her behavior was anything BUT normal.

I, too, am the eldest. I married young to get out. A marriage that she had a hand in destroying. Since I am her favorite scapegoat, she hates for me to have anything that is my own. I wish I had known that back then.

That is a very accurate list. I still haven't ordered the books. I have been utterly lazy the last few days!

freedom I read this earlier and thought it might be useful

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists

Iam64, I somehow mistakenly thanked AmberSpy, who was of course gracious in her response, but of course it was meant for you. ?

AmberSpyglass that one first then, I will

I can honestly say that The Body Keeps the Score changed my life. Let me know how you get on!

I only ordered 1 of them yesterday!

VioletSky

Wow, you have to appreciate how speedy deliveries are these days

Wow! That is fantastic

Wow, you have to appreciate how speedy deliveries are these days

Shelbel it's absolutely fine not to feel anything, just be kind to yourself.

V3ra I was thrown out young because my education was threatening to go well. I ended up finishing it in my 40s. I'm glad you and your husband found each other

LuckyGirl3 a lot of what you say rings true. It wasn't until I had my own children and made friends with other young mums that I realised not everyone was cross with their children all the time.

I'm the eldest of three and got the blame for everything. There was no affection for us from our parents, they were too wrapped up in each other.

I left home at the earliest opportunity, to start a degree course I had no interest in.
But my school had pushed everyone to apply, there was a grant cheque with my name on it and a place in halls of residence so I grabbed the opportunity and never looked back. My husband was on the same course in similar circumstances, except his parents disliked each other.
We both left after the first year, rented a grotty flat, found jobs and built a life together.

Small problems compared to most people on here though ?

AllSorts Assume you’re thanking the wrong person, since I definitely haven’t said anything about you that you’d like.

Shelbel what is a very difficult time for anyone, has added emotional pressure for you.
I too would be conflicted