Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

"If you are lucky enough to have a loving partner and your own children, you make sure your love and energy goes into them". Good advice for us all Allsorts.

I find that odd too freedom

For me I didn't plan it, I didn't threaten it, I don't think my mum ever had any consequence for her behaviour until the day I just couldn't any more. I had asked for a break, she wouldn't give it to me, I asked for a conversation, she gave me nothing, proud and laughing.

The moment for me was when she said "we aren't going to resolve this are we?" with this big smirk on her face and I thought, no, no we aren't because you won't ever change.

So really estrangement was my mother's choice too.

Estrangement is a part of who we are, it will have shaped us to a certain extent into the people we are today.

We're certainly not the same people we were 9 years ago. I don't think our ES would know us now, anymore than we would know him.

It's inconceivable to me, that a parent would risk losing their child when they were given every opportunity not too. How strange life is.

It really does become a part of us. Does not mean we aren't healthy or well adjusted, nor does it mean that we never need support again.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard/read, you have gotten what you wanted (to be estranged), why cant you move on/get over it/etc.

In thinking of my experience, no I didn't get what I wanted. I never wanted to be estranged. What I wanted was to have a loving relationship with my mother and her with my kids. I wanted my kids to have a close bond with her.

Estranging was actually her choice, though she would not see it that way. Many years I tried to work through her behavior. She chose not to follow simple boundaries like "do not talk badly about me to my children". Even after hearing what the consequences would be, she lied to my face and did what she wanted to do, which was damage my relationship with my children in order to feed her deranged need to compete with me for my children's affection, among other things.

She, essentially, chose this estrangement Though I am the one who instituted it.

This certainly did not come about all at once. It happened over a series of several years, coupled with a lifetime of toxic behavior towards me.

Allsorts I'm sorry to hear that, maybe you will find something more to your liking elsewhere

Find it very sad hearing people rehashing their childhood, unless you have a really cruel mother, no one is all bad and they probably did their best, you don’t know what problems they might have had such as depression or anxiety. If you are lucky enough to have a loving partner and your own children, you make sure your energy and love goes into them.

freedom you all deserve so much better

Some people on these threads have been talking about estrangement for 10 years, I don't think it ever goes away, like a bereavement it just becomes a part of us

PoppyBlue

Sometimes people need still need to talk about and process information.

One size doesn't fit all. What works for one, won't work for another.
Would you go over to the other estrangement thread and say the same?

No, they wouldn’t.

There are some serious double standards

freedomfromthepast
I have no experience of this type of hurt. Human nature at its t worst.

So difficult for you freedomfromthepast trying to do your best for a family member and being at times thwarted by your mother's behaviour.

Your present circumstances simply don't make it possible for you to have no communication with her but hang on in there, the day will come.

Urmstongran

This is just an observation ladies as very fortunately I know nothing about this topic. However, as you are now all adults, would it perhaps not be better to let the past just lie? I imagine it must be like picking at a scab on your knee as a child. Either let it heal over or worry it to death, picking until you make the area sore and bleed.

Well, I have been forced to interact with my mother the last 2 months due to my care of another family member. She again made the choice to actively cause problems. My children are still in therapy for the damage she has done to them.

It is front and center all the time. Every day in my house. I wish the scab would just heal. I would not pick at it. But that is not an option for me right now. I do so look forward to the day that it can be though.

Maybe my mother needed this book more than I do

I think that's the saddest part for me, that my mother knows her childhood was painful and still continued those behaviours with me.

With my brother she was enmeshed, too close, wanted to be present at all his life events that don't usually involve mums. Insisted on being involved in every loan, every purchase, every little milestone, she had to be part of it. He couldn't buy a sofa without her chipping in and then "helping" him choose the style.

I think I would have hated that more sometimes

Thought provoking posts Luckygirl, MerylStreep and Kandinsky.

I lost my mum last year and miss her but we were never particularly close. I know she loved me, she just loved my brother more and never really tried to disguise the fact.

I haven't read the book, but I have found lot of resources on Internet. Besides reading this forum - this shows how this estrangement is so sadly common - I have read many articles written by pro. I found them useful to have a better picture and to raise awareness.

Kandinsky I did a lot of forgiving and forgetting while still in the relationship, that's why it went on for so long.

I can still forgive but no longer forget.

No, no one is all bad but I didn't get any of the good and her behaviour was upsetting my older children too so I made the choice to walk away

VioletSky
I don’t know your back story but my mum died 10 years ago & believe it or not, ( despite everything ) I miss her.
She wasn’t a great mum as I said earlier, but she tried her best I’m sure. I have no idea why she was so cold but I’m pretty certain now that something must have happened in her own childhood? Or maybe that was just ‘her way’. - motherhood certainly didn’t come easy to her that’s for sure, & had she been born at another time when contraception was freely available she may well have never had children. I definitely got a sense that she was jealous of my freedom & the choices I had.
But no one is all bad.
We never went hungry, we had good Christmases & she always made sure we had a summer holiday, plus she looked after her grandchildren very well.
She was my mum & I’ve forgiven her.
Although she never thought I had anything to forgive as she was quite good at rewriting history.

I suppose I can forgive & forget because my abuse was emotional & physical by my mother, never sexual, which I can only imagine you’d never get over.

March

I'd find it hard to forgive someone who is still trying to cause harm. There needed to be a line drawn in the sand for me to get past the hurt.
It needed to be acknowledged.

I've had therapy a few times as the way I was raised definitely effected me as an adult and how I cope and deal with situations. I usually ended up getting walked all over.
But that was then. I've grown alot, I know healthy relationships and how to deal with not so healthy one's.

I should never have answered my mum and brother and I don't think I would have if not for illness.

It brought back the pain and it brought back that they just won't listen or understand where I am coming from.

Even though I logically know this, emotionally was a different story.

What I know about this book is that it has a lot of focus on behaviours I may have learnt from my upbringing that will affect how I engage with others so the emphasise will be on making me a better version of myself.

I am hopeful anyway

BigBertha1

I haven't read a book about. I have often tried to write about it but it's just too painful. I have had some counselling but I always leave when it gets too much. After years of being more open about it with DH I do understand it better than I used too.

I'm sorry it has been so painful for you and I understand.

Graves is an autoimmune condition which attacks your thyroid and causes hyperthyroidism and all sorts of havoc with your hormones and systems. I ended up with thyrotoxicosis which is life threatening. Google can explain it all better than me.

To all of those who have found their own ways to heal after abuse, I'm so glad for you, feel welcome to share. I've always been a bit of a reader and books/writing works well for me.

Moving on is usually a positive outcome from processing trauma. Trauma can’t be washed away but it’s possible to process, integrate, accept and move on

That doesn’t mean we can’t process and undo the harm that’s been done to us so we stop the cycle in its tracks.

Luckygirl
How true about our mothers. It’s only when you become an adult and hear small details of their upbringing that you get an insight into why they are like they are.
Some would say that my fathers violence was unforgivable. But
when I was older I learnt that he was just 19 when he was called to be a signalman on the Russian convoys. He had PTSD but of course it wasn’t known of then.
You become an adult and sort it out yourself. You can be a victim, or choose not to be.

I completely agree with Urmstongran, Lucky girl & Kandinsky, the constant picking open of old wounds would seem counterproductive to moving forward with life and would completely undo all the progress I've made. It would be self sabotage.
Grieve - learn - don't repeat - succeed.

Sometimes people need still need to talk about and process information.

One size doesn't fit all. What works for one, won't work for another.
Would you go over to the other estrangement thread and say the same?

I feel exactly the same Luckygirl3
My mother was very cold & not once did she tell me she loved me. She was also physically abusive, but back then children were smacked so it never got picked up on at school - even though the tops of my legs were covered in hand mark bruises.
Today, social workers would have been involved but back then? Nothing.
But do I dwell on it?
No.
Absolutely no point.
I’ve got my own family & concentrate on them rather than raking over the past.