Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

thank you violetsky - that is indeed comforting to know.

riete we see it, we know what it is and why it happens, you are never alone

That's impressive imaround good for you.

Well it isn't a lack of strength and confidence that prevents my understanding, it's the lack absence of any answers because the questions cannot be asked.

The person responsible for the abuse I suffered as a child is dead, and had already died when the flash backs came and I started to remember, and you can't get answers when you can't ask the questions, because the person concerned refuses any and all contact.

It makes the process harder, but not impossible.

Yes, I am walking 3 miles 5 days a week now.

The strength and confidence needs to come before the understanding, as the article suggests. IMO there is no understanding until you have the strength and confidence.

Some people choose to seek, others choose to not seek. Everyone has their own path.

A 3 mile walk imaround that's quite a distance.

It's good that you've been able to come to terms with your past and that that has enabled you to help look after your mum following the death of your father.

I can see how understanding was key. I still have no understanding of the major traumatic events in my own life and TBH doubt I ever will have, but thankfully I've still managed to rebuild my strength and confidence.

I finally had a chance to read the article on 7 steps VS, while sitting here after my 3 mile walk waiting for some Motrin to kick in.

I 100% agree with them all. I spent most of the last year on step 6 and 7, which has helped me come to terms with my past and has allowed me to help take care of my mom after my father's death.

To me, understanding was key. But I had to go through the other steps to rebuild my strength and confidence first.

Really riete have the things you've referred too in your post @ 16.23 on this thread, because TBH I haven't seen any. I really don't think that someone posting of an experience they found positive, or friends and family did that someone else didn't, is suggesting that theirs is more or equally relevant.

Or suggesting that the feelings of those whose experience was vastly different are sweeping aside your feelings.

We are all aware that this is a support thread, and as you'll have seen from the support thread for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement, as I'm sure you posted there, a variety of experiences, both good and bad are shared.

There certainly hasn't been any unpleasantness on this thread thank goodness, that was witnessed else where and not that long ago.

You asked earlier for someone to start the ball rolling on the issue of forgiveness which I have done. Maybe you've missed it, it comes after yours and I would be interested on your own thoughts on the subject.

For me, I think we do have to try to find a way of living with the events of our past and TBF that is what those who contribute to the estrangement forum do appear to be doing.

That doesn't mean that the significance of those events and the pain they caused ever disappear. For some it does diminish over time but even when that happens, it never goes away completely.

No, I couldn't have sent our boys to BS either Allsorts. It's very sad that someone looking back on their own experience feels they were dumped and hated it.

Do you know if he ever talked to his parents about it and whether or not being sent to BS had a detrimental affect on his relationship with his parents?

if there's a kerbstone at the edge of a pavement, and hundreds of times every day people step down from it without mishap, but one day after many years someone steps down and breaks their ankle, do we say they shouldn't make a fuss about it, just learn to live with it? no we don't. we assume that they stepped at an unfortunate angle, or have osteoporosis, or something else that made their unique experience unique. we still allow them medical treatment to fix the break, and offer them sympathy for their pain. possibly even offer help in getting in their shopping etc.
can you not understand, or at least accept, that it's the same for other obstacles in life?

i'm so glad you wouldn't send a child away allsorts. but why do you say the other things? i thought that we'd just established that this is a support thread, for people with toxic parents/abuse issues. why do you feel the need to suggest they deliberately "mull" and "hash" something that, in your opinion, is gone? if you haven't something positive or useful to say ...

I would never send a child away from home at such a young age.Never. I would not sleep at night knowing my children could be in a vulnerable situation, someone I love very much went, he coped could well look after himself, however he said no child of his would ever go, he hated it and felt dumped there, he would rather not have any children than inflict that on them. I dare say lots cope but it’s not worth the risk in my eyes.
I do think people react in different ways to experiences most if us have had some thing to cope with, it’s how you react to it that matters, you either move on despite everything or constantly mull it over, rehashing everything, it’s gone, it needn’t ruin your life. I am not talking about personality disorders or mental illness, don’t know how or if there is a cure.

Smileless2012

And no one has suggested otherwise.

well there has been some suggestion, by several posters, that the things we unloved/abused adult children are talking of are less important, less real, less relevant than we think they are. there has been some posting by people suggesting their "experiences" (or their friends' or relatives' experiences) are more or equally relevant than ours. there have been suggestions that we don't know when our feelings are being swept aside by others who are not in our situation.

i shall repeat what violetsky said: this is a support thread. let's keep it that way.

And no one has suggested otherwise.

This thread is about other people's estranged children, not about anyone here and no oresence is needed to defend that. For the adult child recovering from an unloving mother who is estranged, their estranged parent is in the wrong

This is a support thread

No worries Madgran and as you say, any suggestion that for example someone who experienced ACES during their childhood is akin to suggesting that an EP 'must have done something wrong'.

I agree DL children can't be blamed for not thriving at BS and/or for not finding it an overall positive experience and parents can't be blamed for sending their child if it was done for the best of intentions, unless of course they know their child is unhappy and insist that they stay.

This thread is about recovering from an unloving mother. Boarding school really has nothing to do with it and was brought up only in relation to ACES.

If BS is a topic that people want to discuss, it needs a separate thread.

I would say that some of the unhappiness at BS was a lot about the poor regime at that school.

A decent BS would have excellent pastoral care, and this didn't/doesn't always happen.?

I don't think you can blame children if they didn't/aren't thriving there.

Smileless I don't agree that if there were a thread about BS's, this could be derailed by some sharing their positive experiences and if anyone did so, that should be construed as "justifying ones experience".

There will be those whose experience of BS was positive, who simply want to share that experience and have no need or desire to justify it.

Hi Smileless I think I didn't express myself very well, I should have commented when I had more time! I didn't mean it could be derailed by people talking about their positive experiences atall, sorry for giving that impression. I meant that, in my experience, there are sometimes those who feel that they have to "prove" that anyone's negative experience must be something "lesser" in them, they "must" be at fault if they had a negative experience. Come to think of it that's a bit like the invalid suggestion that EPs "must" have done something isn't it.

Ofcourse noone has to justify their positive or even their negative experience of boarding or anything else.

Boarding school is not positive where it contributed to ACEs as Madgran has said

Conversely that doesn't invalidate anyone who enjoyed the experience or had a good relationship with parents.

However the context of this thread is supporting and healing those who did have ACEs

No one's unhappy experience of BS has been invalidated simply because others have spoken of positive experiences. Sympathy has been expressed to those who have shared their unhappy memories.

It isn't 'kind' to suggest that all parents who sent their children to boarding school were abusive and/or toxic and in this context, to single out mothers when in many cases the decision would have been taken by both parents.

You are correct riete this thread is primarily about healing from a difficult childhood so in context, arguing that boarding school is wonderful is not a very kind thing to do when others have joined to say it made them unhappy and contributed to ACEs

Another point worthy of consideration is that for an EAC, their BS experience may have nothing to do with their decision to estrange.

Someone could have been thankful for the time spent away from their abusive home life.

I posted a few days ago that I had no personal experience riete but my 3 cousins, 2 girls and 1 boy went to BS and it was both enjoyable and positive.

My husband attended BS for 4 years and his older brother for 7 and speak fondly of their time there. It wasn't wonderful all of the time of course, but then I don't think anyone could honestly say they enjoyed every moment of the time spent at school, BS or not.

How would one experience negate another? it wouldn't would it DL. The personal experience of an EAC doesn't negate the personal experience of an EP and vice versa. They are different experiences and one doesn't nullify the other.

People can have different experiences in any scenario.

How would one experience negate another?

They would just be different.?

smileless i suppose it would depend on the purpose of the thread. if it were to discuss boarding school experiences in general, then of course it would be fine for someone who felt theirs was positive to post. however, if the purpose was to discuss the negative impact of bs, then for someone to insist it was a wonderful thing it could very well be seen as negating someone else's experience. if someone wants to start a thread on the positive aspects of bs and how much they enjoyed it, i hope they won't choose the estrangement forum for it.

smileless were you at boarding school? the reason i ask is to know whether you speak from personal experience.

Didn't see your post until I'd posted mine Madgran. You make an important point about BS's in relation to toxic parents. I say parents because when both mum and dad are involved in the decision, if there was any toxicity it wouldn't just be the mother, it would be the father as well.

I don't agree that if there were a thread about BS's, this could be derailed by some sharing their positive experiences and if anyone did so, that should be construed as "justifying ones experience".

There will be those whose experience of BS was positive, who simply want to share that experience and have no need or desire to justify it.