Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

My partner, passed away a year back, was abandonned at 5 then fostered by a family who treated him horribly.
He found it very hard to express love and thought all the time "If I'm happy now it won't last so I better not get used to it..."
We were together for over 20 years, and he needed to talk about it à lot.
Despite that, talking never really helped him, as the wounds were so deep.
However it helped me to understand him, and to realise that he loved me, but just had problems expressing it verbally. He was hurt too often in life.
So maybe explaning our abusive families to those close to us, or who we hope are close, may help them to understand a certain apparant distance in relationships exists. Also makes it clearer to our DH or DW that however much we love them and show it in many ways, it's hard to say and show it as some do.
I know if I didn't know of my DH's problems I would have probably missed out on a wonderful relationship, with someone who merited a better childhood.
It can be vital to talk, especially to those closest and loved, in my experience.

I think love isn't enough

We don't call it a loveship

We call it a relationship.

A good relationship depends on how we behave towards each other and how we behave in general.

I used to think I needed to be liked by everyone. A long time ago. I really thought I needed to be liked by people who love me.

Now I know that some relationships are not for me and that is ok

I think the feeling of " the problem is you, go away" comes when we heal to a certain extent and begin to accept and love our inner child, when we start to build self esteem and realise that not everything is about us. We realise that Toxic people are toxic because THEY are toxic, not because there's something wrong with us.

That's the basis of shame isn't it, believing we are "Wrong". It's a lie though because we were beautiful children who deserved love and compassion but now have to reach out to the abandoned inner child ourselves. There is shame, but it is NOT ours.

Thank you

ACES are so important

I know there is a lot to process today, but I wanted to post this TED video regarding how childhood trauma affects our physiology for the rest of our lives. We never really leave it behind us do we?

t.ted.com/ufyBMI4

For me, i think my ultimate goal in healing has to be my triggers

Those buttons my mother installed

The things that bring back all the pain

So if I grey rock those, it's not helping me, I need the buttons gone.

Definitely agree we would end up in that place with it because that's how we survived, keeping those emotions in.

I feel like there must be a place where...

You let those emotions out rather than internalise them

And also

Where you can look at someone and just think " the problem is you, go away"

That makes sense. It shouldn't be a lifestyle. I can see how we would make it one though as we may have trust issues overall.

It definitely has its place but I think I have, I'm not sure I am explaining well, but made it a lifestyle instead of a tool

I think grey rocking has its place. Especially when dealing with a narcissist in the workplace where you have no other choice. I have used it with my mother and it has been very effective.

I see it as a chance to not divulge information about myself that someone can use to hurt me in the future. I also see it as a chance to stop a conversation in it's tracks when a toxic person is pushing with the intent to start an argument.

I am one, though, to be very direct and stamp down the toxicity if the grey rocking does not work. I don't seek out confrontation, but if that is my only choice, I will rise to the occasion.

Another idea I have gone off from reading is "Grey Rock".

I'm not saying it doesn't have its place, because it does if you are in contact with an abusive person and can't break away.

For me though, I have been doing it for far too long... pretending that I'm fine in the face of abusive or triggering situations. When actually the reality is stamping down my own anger or hurt and suffering internally. I don't think that works with a narcissist, they sense it.

The reality is that some people in life are just crappy people. Why should their words bother me when I can just look at them and think "blimey you are a piece of rubbish" then move on with my day.

I can't fix my mother or fix my other rubbish family members. What I can do is recognise that that is their problem and doesn't have to impact me at all.

"Good enough parent" was something I was taught in counselling... because I was beating myself up

But after watching that, we'll that's not my idea of a good enough parent at all and using it as in excuse to be bare minimum and not meet your children's needs... I'll never use it again

Just ran across an interesting video on YouTube about the "good enough" mother (and parent).

It is by Daniel Mackler called Why I Don’t Like the “Good-Enough Mother” Concept -- And How Easily It Is Misused

I found it an interesting way to look at things.

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Taking your power back from those who would seek to keep you weak is amazing! Bless all of you who have been able to do so! I support you all and you journey to happiness! For those of you still on the journey, just know that others see and are cheering for you.

Hugs of happiness for you to hit this point VS. From my experience, this is the first step to true freedom.

I have reached the chapters in The Body Keeps the Score that talk about healing.

The first half of the book was a difficult read, I have to be honest. Triggering in places but what came across the most was this man's deep empathy and care in his journey to understand and help people.

I'm hopeful.

Sometimes I feel like my body is at constant war, I'm riddled with self sabotage and that feeling of guilt as if I don't deserve to be treated well or treat myself well. Sometimes it is a fight I win and sometimes a fight I lose.

I'm starting to realise though, that I'm not a bad person and I'm certainly not what my mother needed me to be to feel justified in her behaviour.

I am not my triggers

I am not my reactions

I am not other people's perceptions

I am not me at my best

I am not me at my worst

I am good enough

I will keep reading

maddy

I wonder if these flashbacks are happening because the relationship is finally over and you have set aside your own needs and feelings for so long hoping to have a good mother daughter relationship.

The same happened when I estranged, the memories just kept coming.

What really helped me was to acknowledge them in counselling.

I have a friend who was only free from her mother after she died and for a long time she stamped down those memories because that's not how she wanted to remember her mother and she wanted to hold on to the good. In the end though it made her quite unwell and she finally sought to accept the reality about 10 years later. This had the benefit of improving all her relationships, made her happier and she was finally able to stop doing the thing that eventually took her mother... drinking.

All those bad memories, they are wounds that need to heal.

The best you can probably do is to understand your mother and why she was as she was, which seems to help a lot of us on this thread. Understand why she was as she is so that you can see your wounds and heal them.

You deserved better.

Whether we reach a moment in our lives where our minds and bodies say, we can't be around this person and survive or they pass away...

We deserve to grieve, understand and heal

Sincere condolences Maddy x

I'm sorry for your loss MaddyOne. It was a difficult relationship but she was still your mother. This sort of event brings up so much to process.

No, it doesn't really matter now. People are what they are, whatever the causes. It can't be changed now.

With my mother, I felt a strange disconnect at the funeral, afterwards I had times of regret that the relationship couldn't have been better, and remembering the past.

But, like most people, she did have sone good points, so I focused more on them. I couldn't rewrite the past, and there was little point in wasting energy trying to do so.

Eleven years on, I barely think of her, and I've got no feelings about it either way. It was what it was.

Memories do fade, in time.

Best wishes.?

Thank you ladies, your support is so much appreciated. You’re right DL about the mixed emotions. I miss the old lady who looked so frail and poorly at the end, but since she died I keep having flashbacks of the many times she was emotionally cruel to me. The things she said that were so hurtful keep echoing louder than ever in my mind. Planning her funeral is difficult because of this.

I think the link you provided imaround is partly me. I spent a lifetime of trying to please my mother, and to do the right thing by her. The only thing my sister and I can talk about and agree about, is all the things that happened when were children. She told me she didn’t feel loved as a child. I reminded her that our dad loved us. I think in her own, needy way my mother did probably love us, but my husband has long said that mum didn’t love anyone and didn’t know what love was. I suppose it doesn’t matter now, she’s gone.

Thank you imaroud I've been working on this

Just ran across this article today. im going to have to process and re-read it again, but wanted to share it.

www.yahoo.com/news/echoists-prone-narcissistic-emotionally-abusive-120020287.html

I am do sorry for your loss Maddy

maddy - it's difficult when a mother you didn't get on with dies, as it's all mixed emotions.

You did your best, and that's all any of us can do. You didn't abandon her, which is commendable, and you can take comfort from that.

Get the funeral over and you can go very low contact with your sister, and get on with your life, with a lot of the stress gone.

Best wishes.?