Letter to my Estranged Child

Hi, I’m new here… My daughter is 19 1/2 and made the decision not to see or talk to me about a year and a half ago. In that time I have sent her text messages almost on a daily basis to ask for forgiveness and to reconcile with her to no avail. I’ve dropped off gifts for her birthday and at Christmas. This Christmas I mailed them to her and in return I got a restraining order served to me. I know she is angry and bitter because of trouble that her older brother got into caused child services to take her away from our home. I don’t do drugs, drink or have ever abused my children. In fact it’s just the opposite I was always there for them, PTA mom, Soccer mom (coach), Awana Leader, you name it! I was always there then all of the sudden I wasn’t there for her. She was 15 and they made it impossible for me as a single mom to get her back. She’s only 19 and I feel like I will never see her again. I understand her pain and don’t blame her for her decision. And I’m not angry, I’m heart broken. ? Don’t know how to deal with this. My hands are tied.

User7777 so you've moved because of EAC before? If you've done that and they have found you again each time maybe moving is not the answer, but an injunction? As you say, why should you have to keep moving? You love your home and garden, but its understandable that you feel the urge to disappear.

They are a user, for sure, sadly. I suppose that's why you chose that user name. You don't seem depressed at all, but anyone in your situation would feel beaten down with it, especially as it's been going on so long.

I think you have to accept, they won't change. They will continue to use you as long as you're prepared to let them. As my old therapist said "the only person you can change is yourself". I hope you have lots of support in place.

When someone is a narcissist they use you for "supply" and what you can do for them. I lived with one for years. It's a good idea to read lots on the subject and resist any "hoovering" attempts.

Thank you Allsorts. Mentally unwell AC has been around 20 years now with their rhetoric. I am not depressed, I have always been able to cope for many years, but my health is poor now and it's getting weary. Esp as there is nothing wrong with them. Everyone else is to blame. I have someone coming to see me after Xmas, with a view to moving. I find it galling that I always have to move when AC starts their nonsense.. I like my home and garden. Its all I have now.... I get estrangement then a cosying up to me for their gain. Then the threats. I think I have reached telephone contact only, then I can put phone down if vicious words start. Goodnight all

Thank you Allsorts

I'm amazed this post I made when feeling bitter has helped anyone, but glad too.

In conclusion : I did not send any communication, only a gift for my GC. The Christmas gift was signed for and is with my EAC. No idea if the GC will get it when they find out who it's from, but that's their choice. I've done my bit for the year. The ball is in their court now and I can get on with Christmas. (Talking of which, I need to be online less and actually do some wrapping for those I will be spending Christmas with!

I’m so glad the forum helps you to Violet. .

Allsorts I was replying to OnwardandUoward because I misread and thought her son was lying in his support groups. I've made no comment about this one.

Where is Smileless? I hope she is ok, Christmas is very hard for all up of us however together we seem.

Violet I can assure you that everyone on here has been supportive. It is very hard coping without your child however old they are and of course the grandchildren who have no say whom they see, so we all go through and understand how each other feels.
User, a mentally unwell adult child will bring you down, I am so pleased you now have peace from him. Whatever you say he will argue the opposite, with weird theories, so wearing, even worse when they start shouting and get violent, it’s better to let them go. You know now to ring the police.

So true Allsorts

Even though I created this post thinking I might contact my child, I will not- because of some facts I have discovered about their "activities". I actually think it unwise, but cannot say more on a public forum.

I am very glad that User7777 felt able to comment and was able to find support, so something good has come out of my post. No one should have to live in fear, and most certainly not from the child they have loved and nurtured.

The gift I have send my GC is with the courier now. Only time will tell if it is accepted. I will never know if it is given to my GC and even if it is, it won't be given in my name. The new year is a new start and now I know what I know, I cannot contact them again. I can only hope something shifts in my GC's favor.

Sending love to all who need it, at this delicate time of year.

Thank goodness you feel safe now User. No one should live in fear, especially from their child.

I am so glad you've got that support User7777 Yes, its so sad, but your child is still in there. Their mental health is responsible as well as possibly bad choices and or addictions? Sleep well

Thank you. Onwards and upwards.. yes, I have an emergency number and a thing to press. It beggars belief that AC think they can get away with this behaviour. I wouldn't tell neighbours as all elderly and dont wish to worry them unnecessarily. I feel supported now and able to go to sleep. Goodnight.x

Oops I pressed too soon. I repeated myself there a bit!

No worries Violetsky

Well done User 7777 for contacting the landlord! I think it might be good if you could move, just so you have extra peace of mind that AC cannot carry out their threat. I am so sorry that you had a threat of arson That's just so awful and your AC is probably not getting the right MH support from the MH services or perhaps not taking their medication?

It's probably not over yet, you're right- but you have done the right thing in asking for help. No one should have to live like that. I am so glad it's on record and Ac will have time in a MH unit if they break the law. In your shoes, I probably would be asking SS to help me move for a new start.

I think although it might be embarrassing, that it may be worth notifying your neighbours so they can be on guard if they see your AC anywhere near the building and call the police too, knowing that the landlord has banned them.

Well done User, whatever way you look at it, you have peace at last, should you be bothered, he will have time in a mental health unit, it is on record now, perhaps there he will get the help he needs. With most Mh issues, family cannot sort it without putting themselves in a very vulnerable position,

User7777 could they fit you an emergency alarm?

Ah sorry, I misread Onwardand Upward

Hello. My news is... the support people contacted my landlords. It was a threat of arson, however, I dress it up. The landlord has banned AC from visiting my property as other tenants could be in danger from a fire threat. AC not best pleased when I told them. Ac was planning a visit this evening, until I mentioned police would be called and I was told they could have 72 hours in a mental health unit, as they have dealings with them before. I had a lot of verbal expletives, then the phone went down. Also had ss visitors today. All should be quiet for a while. But sadly, I dont think it's over yet

Just to clarify: when I wrote about lies, I was referring to the lie which User7777 said her eldest child had spoken about her.

I heard a saying once "never attribute to malice that which can be explained by incompetence" which doesn't really fit. However, I think you could say that two people could believe completely different things and each think they were right and telling the truth completely- but each would be telling their truth, from their perspective, as they saw it and not be thinking they did anything wrong.

Perception is literally our reality. I remember when my son started having delusions and a relative said to me "tell him the truth" but I said, "what he believes IS his reality." I knew I could not compete with the voices

What do you mean by that VS?

OnwardandUpward it makes me so uncomfortable knowing people join online support forums and then lie to get attention. If real genuine people lose out and don't get the support they need it's awful.

I can only wonder if it is some sort of mental illness like those who fake physical illness

I think how a person treats others will always show what sort of person they are as actions do speak louder than words.

I don't have this worry with my EAC telling lies about me because he doesn't speak to anyone local due to paranoia. He doesn't let DiL talk to anyone either, so whatever he believes he will only discuss it in the online forums he's part of. For his own benefit, I'd rather he was lying about me and talking to normal people, rather than isolating because of MH and other issues.

That's very true Onward. Believing a lie doesn't make it the truth, and refusing to believe the truth doesn't make it a lie.

User7777 sending you best wishes this day as you talk to support services

Keep talking. Just because one person believes a lie about you doesn't mean it's true and doesn't mean other people won't believe you.

Yes, me too Smileless. I wasn't familiar with the details so googled to find the link.

Covid has made all kinds of situations worse. People are in all kinds of danger from those who they live with because MH is at an all time low because of the pandemic and many MH services have been cut. It's very sad and unfortunate. There is definitely abuse behind closed doors, of adults and children.

One of my friends is in a refuge over Christmas after escaping an abusive relationship. I think we can all be aware that this problem is escalating and keep an eye on our immediate neighbours. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/