Letter to my Estranged Child

Oh dear that's very sad OnwardandUpward I understand how hurt you are but please think twice before sending that letter. Maybe it's just an open letter to express your feelings, I'm so sorry it has come to this with your adult child.
I hope there is some reconciliation in the future for you.

^ I will not do is reward your atrocious behaviour by chasing you down or actually trying to contact you.^

You are contacting them with what comes across as an angry nasty letter. I don’t know what you hope to achieve by this.

I completely agree with the sentiment, could have written it myself Onward in fact have written several very similar over the past 9 years, but would never send them. I would read them over and then destroy them as just writing it down was cathartic.

This is such a difficult time of year, our 9th Christmas without our ES and only GC and for no particular reason, apart from the season I suppose, I am feeling weepy today.

So easy to act in haste when emotions are running high and do something you later come to regret. If you are thinking of sending this, give yourself some time before you do. Look at it again in a day or two and see how you feel then.

I'm so sorry, I know how heartbreaking this is x

Onwardand Upward ; I can understand your heartbreak over your estranged child and it is something hard to bear particularly if people have not experienced it.
I hope this is an open letter and you are not sending it only because it is not worth the heartache, and your child will only throw it in the bin. Enjoy your life with those that care and love you and are there for you.
Put this letter to the back of your drawer and read it once in a while and see how you progress over the months.
Take care.

Please don’t send that letter. It will only make the chance of reconciliation much less likely. Write as many letters as you want but don’t send them if they are full of anger and bitterness. I hope things will work out for you.?

As I wrote, I won't be contacting them. Relationships are reciprocal so I will match their energy by doing...nothing! Just wanted to explain that to any lurkers who may be EC to make them have a think and a look at themselves. I don't feel angry, but it's interesting that it read that way. It's probably best to say nothing at all as words can be misconstrued.

It was cathartic to write here, though.

Thanks for all the good wishes

Thanks Smileless and I'm so sorry it's your 9th and although it's only my first I can only imagine your pain.

I don't know why people read things as anger. I suppose when writing it I thought I was highlighting the truth. I suppose the problem with that is that people see things differently, for example in the war both sides thought they were fighting for good.

Since my EC has never spoken to me since any of this became an issue, I cannot properly understand his point of view and can only share things here from my viewpoint. I would certainly not communicate this to EC because anything I say would probably be used against me while he is in this mindset. Bear with me because it's the first Christmas and all of this is new to me- whatever I say here, I will not contact EC. HE did this. He has to be a man and make it stop, if he wants to.

You could perhaps send a nice note in a Christmas card as the estrangement is so recent? To try to prevent a permanent stand off?

That's good to know Onward. When you think how they appear to have 'misconstrued' their childhoods and all we did for them, it's not beyond the realm of possibility they'll misconstrue our words too.

I don't know... GermanshepherdsMum

It is this year that he has estranged, mainly to do with his views over vaccines/covid I think, although he might have used that as an excuse. We will probably send our GC a gift, but were not planning on sending ES and DiL anything (not even a card) seeing as they have even ignored things we have send them (post that came here by mistake and a gift we sent for GC)

Estrangement is very painful and for me that’s what comes across in your letter. It is life changing and takes time to adjust and live your life in a different way. Lose yourself in the love of those that love you. You will heal ….

It’s nearly five years now since my granddaughter estranged us.
Still sore when we speak of her but I cherish even more the time I spend with the rest of my family.

Yes that is interesting Onward. Words like manipulate, coerce and estrangement depending on where and how they're used can sound angry, then again when they're simply describing what you have experienced at the hands of your AC then as you say, you're highlighting the truth of how they've behaved.

The first Christmas is the worse, all Christmas' are hard though as we see images of happy families, P's with their AC and GP's and their GC and see the things we would love to buy for them, if only we could.

The problem with even sending "a nice note in a Christmas card" it it's like walking into a mine field GSM. Accusations of harassment, not respecting their wishes etc. There's also the reality that, even if you know in your heart that you wont get a response, it ignites that tiny hope that you might do.

IMO and in our experience, it's better to do nothing. They have chosen to walk away and only they can decide to come back and nothing you do or say will make any difference.

Yes, Smileless I'm a bit tired of being misconstrued !

I don't think I'll bother doing anything because whatever I do will be wrong in his eyes! In the last few years I have not been able to do right for doing wrong, since he has a wife he has been awful. I don't know why he can't have enough love in his heart for two women, but he has been chipping away at me for a few years and I don't miss that. My new motto " do what's right for me/us -at least then someone will be happy with me/us!"

I'm so sorry Granniesunite it is very painful.

I can’t imagine how painful it must be but if you ignore him the way he is ignoring you it becomes tit for tat where neither side will budge. And men aren’t known for their ability to admit they’re in the wrong. Their egos get in the way. Continue to give him opportunities to pluck up courage to contact you. I hope you can get back together again. Covid and vaccines have divided so many families.

You're right Smileless I don't think a Christmas card is right. I don't think a note is right. He has done this and now he can reap the consequences and see if he likes an estranged Christmas. If he misses us or feels sad, he can always review his choices in the New Year.

At least doing nothing, nothing can be misconstrued! You're right, Smileless x

GermanshepherdsMum as I mentioned we will probably be sending GC a gift- and as they are not old enough to acknowledge this, perhaps their parents will. I don't feel right about sending a card really as it will most likely be analyzed and found wanting.

I see it as self protection rather than ignoring GSM. As I've posted, reaching out in anyway no matter how small, ignites the little bit of hope and when you get nothing or nastiness in return, it's like having the knife twisted.

Your damned if you do and damned if you don't Onward so don't do what you think may be best for him, do or don't do what you believe is best for you.

Yes, Smileless. I understand your feeling. Relationships should be reciprocal, each matching the other's energy. We should not chase love or be a door mat.Talked to Mr O last night and we both agreed that the only way is to do nothing. If he does not reflect or have time to miss us or feel regret, he will have no reason to change.

I found this and it mentions the rise of covid induced estrangements and also political caused. www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211201-family-estrangement-why-adults-are-cutting-off-their-parents

I &O, I so understand that letter, I have done similar but of course never sent them, very glad I didn’t. I continue to send cards, always thinking of you and love. Nothing else. I don’t understand or condone estrangement, and we would have nothing in common now I know, but in my heart I love the lovely girl and young woman who is my daughter as I remember her. She estranged me, not I her, I wouldn’t do that to anyone, everyone deserves a hearing, a chance to change, but obviously she doesn’t see things as I do, you have to follow your heart if you think it right. I just hope she is happy. I never contact by phone or any type of messaging, because if they have made it clear you are not loved and wanted and it’s harassment to pursue.

Hi Allsorts thanks. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat! Yes I agree, everyone deserves a hearing. It's very sad and we have accepted he does not want us in his life- but as he has estranged from everyone in the family and we know our GC will get no gifts from them, we will send some. It's not the innocent child's choice to have no family and no Christmas cheer, after all.

I found this link www.standalone.org.uk/guides/adultchildren/ and it suggests that EAC should draw support from thir close friends and also have counselling once a week to cope with the estrangement! It's interesting to note that although it's their choice, they are probably not doing that well. My son does not have close friends and is not in contact with any other family, plus he has always been very resistant to any kind of therapy or counselling, so he's probably not doing very well.

Please do not send your letter.
My son in law has received many similar letters but probably even more unpleasant and nasty. He had tried for many years to make the relationship work - but his mother was never willing or able to accept her role in the strained relationship.
It was only after his wife ( my daughter) was so very ill that her behaviour went too far and he had no other choice but to go NC.
She tried to involve me by sending me unpleasant letters about them - unaware I had personally witnessed and heard some of the untruthful and vile comments she had made.
My SIL hopes for a reconciliation but until his mother accepts she has a part to play in the process then it will not be happening.

My son took the hallucinogenic drug ayahuasca (also known as DMT) during lockdown went on a guided trip with a Shaman. He believes he saw me doing something awful. ( I dread to think what that was.) It was after this that he estranged me, as if I'm meant to know what I "did".

Whoever this shaman was, it seems like they deliberately told him something terrible and I don't know how to challenge something that he believes in concretely.

I know a lot of people want to believe parents are at fault, but I cannot compete with a hallucinogenic drug and the guidance of a shaman who's spreading lies.

OnwardandUpward

Hi Allsorts thanks. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat! Yes I agree, everyone deserves a hearing. It's very sad and we have accepted he does not want us in his life- but as he has estranged from everyone in the family and we know our GC will get no gifts from them, we will send some. It's not the innocent child's choice to have no family and no Christmas cheer, after all.

I found this link www.standalone.org.uk/guides/adultchildren/ and it suggests that EAC should draw support from thir close friends and also have counselling once a week to cope with the estrangement! It's interesting to note that although it's their choice, they are probably not doing that well. My son does not have close friends and is not in contact with any other family, plus he has always been very resistant to any kind of therapy or counselling, so he's probably not doing very well.

I think this link encapsulates what a lot of EAC members have said. It’s not easy to go NC. The majority on here have done so after years of trying to fix issues.

Estrangement is hard for all parties involved

It's clearly not easy. I think that family therapy should have been advised to an EAC. At least then if things couldnt be worked out and an estrangement happened, both sides would know that they had truly tried everything to make it work.

As I mentioned above, my son was guided on a hallucinogenic trip that seems to be a major cause of our estrangement because he believes he has seen the past and the future