Letter to my Estranged Child

I've heard that too about being to ask for help from your local chemist Onward; well remembered. I also agree that putting this situation 'on the record' with your local police station is a great idea.

Keeping you in my thoughts User.

Yes as Smileless says, letting the police know might be a good idea. That way, if you need to ring them they will already know of the problem. They might also have contact with the local refuges.

I read recently that you can go inside a chemist and use a code word to sit in their consultation room and find help safely. www.gov.uk/government/news/pharmacies-launch-codeword-scheme-to-offer-lifeline-to-domestic-abuse-victims. I don't know how to find out which pharmacies are taking part, but if you choose one that is and ask for ANI, they will help you.

Covid has made all these sorts of problems worse and it's known about. Please reach out to the support agencies.

I'd also be contacting that priest with the real story and ask for back up to contact Social Services again. I think Priests have a duty of care for people in their parish. I'm not really sure how it works, but you really need support where you are.

I'd never heard of Hour Glass before either, but after I read your post User7777 I was googling for help because I knew there had to be help out there. Well done for contacting them. Maybe phone them back tomorrow first thing as you know your child won't be around. You could also contact a Domestic Violence charity for help/advice/support.

Keep talking and asking for help User7777

Old ways don't open new doors, so having the courage to speak out, be willing to ask for support- its hard. I think staying stuck might be harder, though.

If your child lives independently one of two things will happen- they will engage with MH and learn ways to live well or they will continue to think everything is everyone elses fault (but never theirs) and live a non functional life where they crave attention rather than help. None of it is your fault, they are adult and responsible for the choices they choose to make (and the consequences of those too!)

Stay strong and keep talking

It would be a hard thing to do User but as Allsorts has said, I'd ring the police too. I also think that contacting Age Concern is a good idea.

I hope you'll be able to let us know tomorrow how things are going.

When it comes to parenting mistakes I know too many. If my child ever comes to me with one and it's not on my mental list then that is another opportunity to learn and grow.

I don't think that mistakes are the issue, I think not being accountable for them is.

I can't even express how much I've changed as a parent during my journey, I think each child there was a new set of rules from health workers and midwives without even getting started on how much I had changed by learning from my children.

So far I have a good relationship with all of them but I will never take that for granted. I've faced many demons in my life and if that has impacted them then that is the responsibility I took on when having them.

User7777 please take steps to protect yourself. I know the thought of calling the police on your own child must be so difficult but it as actually in their own best interests and may lead to real help coming their way as a priority.

I would ring the police if he gets violent. Never heard of Hourglass, do know it has become almost impossible to get help for mental health issues. Your son needs urgent intervention. Would not Age Concern assist you or get you assistance. I do know their care line is manned every day and is freephone. So sad all you have gone though with cancer, you are the one that needs help and kindness and not live in fear.

Thank you. I rang hourglass. Had an automated reply. I guess they will ring back in morning. I can only wait for them. As I am also waiting for Cardiac Oupatient App since I left hospital. I cannot understand the evil coming my way. I adored them as they grew up. AC is very intelligent, and has run rings around SS before when a Priest reported them. I thought SS could have taken them in for assessment back then,but no. I spent time gardening today, am slow, but I managed some of it

OMG User shocked. Please ring Hourglass in the morning and when you have the energy to "dump" on us and want to do so, go right ahead. That's why we are here.

Thank you all so much. Yes I was wearing my hat. I had cancer some years ago. Hence my hats cover my skimpy hair that's left. Most of my hats they gave to ch shop. I love this person, but I dont like what they have become. I will call Hourglass Monday morning. I have never heard of them. If I told a neighbour I was going to burn down their home and with them in it, I would be arrested. I despair of their behaviour, but they think everyone else is wrong. The lovely child I had many years ago has become someone I dont recognise. There is more I could tell you all, but I havent the energy to dump it on you. I am in bed, Sunday morning lie in, and all is peaceful.

User7777 please listen to and act on the good advice given by Onward above

User7777 In their absence please phone the HourGlass Helpline wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services Their services are monday to Friday, but there is a 24 hour chat bot. They may also refer you to Adult Services (Social Services)

If not, please google "Adult Services out of hours number" to find support from Social Services ASAP if they come back and cause more trouble, or ring Adult Services first thing Monday to ask for help.

You have the right to feel safe, happy and secure in your own home. I think this Christmas give yourself the gift of change, of getting support in place for yourself. You cannot change your child, but you can change how you deal with them and you can change your own life. I know this is really hard, but keep talking and you'll find people will support you

Did you have your hat ripped off by your AC User? Please take whatever steps you need to ensure your physical and mental well being.

Regardless of your AC's problems, s/he has no right to treat you this way.

I am ok. They have gone, and want to return Xmas eve. I had my hat ripped off today. I got it back. But I think I need to move to a flat, whereby staff reside in the premises. I cannot understand this AC. Its a 36 year old, N.E.E.T. and has OCD and avoids responsibility for anything

Smileless I can totally understand that, but we are not in a position to do so, unfortunately. I would absolutely love to win the lottery for two reasons. One to move house and two to finish off Soop's fund for her operation.

A fresh start would be wonderful. Ever since the driving licence was sent here and I realised they were using our address, I worry that we may get debt collectors at the door for things loans they may have taken out, using the driving licence as "proof" of living here.

I would love to move!

Thank you Madgran.

This may sound strange but I think one of the reasons our home feels safe is because our ES has never been here Onward.

We of course have those awful memories but apart of course from the continuation of our estrangement, nothing horrible has been or said or done here.

That makes a lot if understandable sense Smileless

This may sound strange but I think one of the reasons our home feels safe is because our ES has never been here Onward.

We of course have those awful memories but apart of course from the continuation of our estrangement, nothing horrible has been or said or done here.

I knew that moving away would make a big positive difference to our lives, but I never thought it would be as beneficial as it has been.

Not something that everyone would want or be able to do but if you can, it's well worth seriously considering it.

"You need to feel safe and secure in your own home, a safe place so perhaps limiting or not allowing any meet ups there would be a good thing." Yes, I agree with this Smileless

Please come back and talk User7777 PM me if you want to chat privately.

Honestly, I have never missed living with my son once he and his family moved out. It brought great strain when he and his family moved in and we believed it to be only temporary, only to find him extremely resistant to getting on his own two feet and using the GC as weapons to try and get his own way.

I think it's very hard when an adult child has had a taste of their own independence and then goes back to live with their parents for any reason. We also aren't used to living with extended families and this can also be a strain. Add to that abusive behaviour and/or Mental Health problems and you probably need professional help!

Don't stop talking

Are you OK User? Please come and tell us that you are, your post was very worrying and upsetting to read.

"I often wish I was still estranged and could die in peace, I have a lot of medical issues". Would it be possible for you to lay down some boundaries? Not have your AC to your home but meet up somewhere else?

You need to feel safe and secure in your own home, a safe place so perhaps limiting or not allowing any meet ups there would be a good thing.

User7777 Im sorry I've only just seen your message That sounds very stressful. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

So they said they were thinking of burning the house down with you in it? And then an hour later they made you tea? Am I right in thinking your bathroom was blitzed as in cleaned? Or blitzed as in destructed?!

I think what I meant and maybe what you mean by loving too much is that maybe we didn't know how to set boundaries. At least, I know I didn't. I tolerated too much, always have done.

Also I want to ask, is your child Bipolar or is there some MH issues at work here? Those are some serious mood swings of which I have experienced in the past. I'm so sorry you feel like you were happier estranged, but I do understand, I do. My son put me through so much more than I could ever write here but feel free to PM me if you want to chat. If it were not for my GC, I think I would be enjoying the peace a lot more. I am conscious of the children's development and missing out on being a part of it. I am not missing any of my EAc's drama's. Perhaps I can't have one without the other.

Thanks for writing here. Please talk to someone. you need help. Here is a link that may help nipsa.org.uk/attachments/article/268/Adult_to_Parent.pdf It's for Ireland so you may need to find the appropriate area for you. Psychological abuse is still abuse. Please don't be alone with this.

User777 are you OK?

What do you mean User? Did they wreck your bathroom and hurt you? I feel so worried for you wanting to be estranged, it must be really bad. If they are abusive to you and you’re so unwell can’t you estrange them? You deserve to be cared for and treated properly, please do something now.?

Onward and upward... I had 15 years of estrangement. I wondered why I bothered to keep trying. I kept things civil... and my AC returned, wanting to stay with me. Although wary, I allowed it, at times. Today , i was told, they wanted to burne down my home with me in it. An hour later, tea was being made and my bathroom blitzed. It hard not to know where they are coming from. And I often wish I was still estranged,,and could die in peace as I have a lot of medical issues. I think I loved them too much, and I am paying for it now

Yes all credit to you Allsorts. I've probably made loads of mistakes. But unless EAC tells me which ones they are upset about I can't apologise! I don't think an apology would work magic, in any case.

DS found me wrapping a large parcel and asked what it was. I showed him the gifts for my GC and he said it was pointless sending it for his brother's kids because it wouldn't change anything. I don't know what his brother has said to him, bit whatever it was made him estrange from his brother who estranged me! What a mess!

Anyhow, no idea if EAC will even accept the parcel. If he does not, we have a designated kids charity lined up where we have recently given a lot of things. At least it will do some good to someone but I will be sad for my GC if they are not allowed the gifts.