Letter to my Estranged Child

Yes as you say Madgran "All credit to you Allsorts".

It’s hard to look back and recognise the mistakes you made. At the time you do the best you can

But it is a brave achievement to do it and to recognise mistakes and gain understanding. All credit to you Allsorts

I think a letter telling her that you love her and always will might be more appropriate.

A bitter diatribe is not going to solve anything for anyone.

I want my son to be a kind , good, caring and thoughtful young man who is a good example to his kids, as well Smileless I want this for mine and for all of us!

Not a surly, entitled, selfish, domineering, coercive son (like mine) who has deprived his children from knowing love from many generations of his family and cut them off without a care.

I know they are still in there. I wish they would remember who they are, where they are from and what's really important.

"They are still in there (somewhere)" that's what we tell ourselves Hetty I have to believe that if only for the sake of our GC.

Those words from your son are priceless.

I want them to know and see the wonderful kind, loving and generous man he was so he can be a good role model to them.

I believe I'm better off without out ES in our lives too Allsorts and Onward Mr. S. goes from thinking that we are to not knowing.

I was thinking this morning how sick to death I am that we have to live with this crap day in, day out and it's always worse at this 'most wonderful time of year'.

Yes GranniesUnite it is definitely hard at this time of year. All of this has been a shock this year. Out of all of my kids, I did not expect this one to estrange. I always thought we were close. I was wrong (again!)

I'm so glad for you Hetty58 that your son turned around and apologised too. I have not said anything horrible to my son, but I am currently having some very negative feelings towards me for what he has put me through. Not just this year but he has been very selfish and nasty in general. I have always made allowances for him, on the grounds of MH- but I am thinking now that perhaps I have been too soft.

When looking at some holiday photos recently , my youngest remarked that his older brother had bullied him appallingly on that holiday. I was shocked that he had not told me sooner. I wonder whether I have tolderated too much over the years. My youngest is perfectly content without his older brother in our lives and does not want him to visit at all, which would also make it really hard for any reconciliation to take place. If it does happen at all, we would have to visit them.

However nasty or downright vicious they are, just remember, that's the same tiny scrap you gave birth to, that wonderful baby, cute toddler, delightful child - all grown up. They are still in there (somewhere) so you still love them. They probably love you too. Whatever it is, they take it out on you. It's not fair.

Still, they need to know that you love them - but hate the behaviour - despite the rights or wrongs on each side.

My eldest went through a very spiteful stage when he was nineteen. I'd pop notes under his door, about his attitude and the way he was hurting the family. We just dreaded him coming home to shout, bully, criticise and try to dominate everyone.

One day, he brought home a friend from work. When he left the room, this chap said 'You must be so proud of him!' (He was earning very good money in a high pressure sales job.)

'No' I replied 'I'm ashamed of him. He comes home and is just downright nasty to his brother, his sisters - and me.'

The friend left and never spoke to him again. Word got around and the atmosphere changed at work. He left that job and began to recover. Gradually, my lovely son returned. I put it down to him grieving for his father, feeling lost - and trying to control his world.

A few years later, I apologised for being such a terrible mother back then - and expressed my great sadness that he didn't love me. 'I always loved you and the family' he said 'I was so scared, I was really not well - but I did love you - and I'm so sorry!'

Yes it's true, Smileless that no one can change the past. All good parents who want the best for their kids have made decisions that they thought were best for their kids. When we are between a rock and a hard place, sometimes it's known as "Hobsons Choice". We can only give what we have.

On the one hand, I am scarred by things from my own parents- so I know that painful experiences can last a lifetime, but at the same time I know that I only will have one set of parents and so I do my best. I've worked to accept my parents as they are, which can be hard because they are often not who we want them to be. If we are able to forgive them, have therapy if we need it and accept the good bits then I think there can be healing.

Working, providing, all of the things we do for our kids. I don't think a kid can really understand all of the sacrifices we make. Perhaps as parents themselves, having to "bring home the bacon" and run a home, it's no joke! Perhaps experiencing all that needs to be done, they will in some way understand one day. Perhaps they will be able to weigh up if they would like their kids to follow their example of the way they are treating their parents?

I know one thing Allsorts and that is, despite all the horrible things that were said about my GP, I favoured them. Another thing: despite all the horrible things my Mother said about most people I inwardly blamed her and not the other persons, quickly realising that she had no good to say about anyone. As I am older now, I feel sorry for her state of mind and that makes it easy to forgive her. Surely no one would choose to be so unhappy that they need to critique everyone!

Yes! We HAVE all made mistakes! Show me a parent who hasn't! It seems to be a universal fact that each generation thinks they will do better than the last, yet each new generation fails in other ways. When they deny their kids the right to know they are loved by older generations that is sad for the kids as well as the older ones.

I too accept we are better apart Allsorts. Unless there can be some sort of thawing/forgiveness/healing on their part.

Allsorts I'd write to her and tell her how you feel about the past and how you love her. Good advice there from smileless.
You'll perhaps feel a bit of peace then.
Your post is very sad. Estrangement is worse i think at this time if year.

Thank you Smileless. It’s hard to look back and recognise the mistakes you made. At the time you do the best you can. I wouldn’t judge anyone for what I’ve done, but I can see it from her perspective now. It won’t make any difference to the outcome at this late stage but it clarifies things. We are better apart.
Thank you.

Allsorts . Such a sad and moving post. Have you ever said the things you've said here to your D? That you feel responsible for her pain, that you weren't there for her when you should have been because you had to work and didn't give her the attention that she needed?

You did what you believed was the right thing to do and TBH, I find it difficult to understand why an AC would look back and see that their single mum, doing her best had somehow failed as a parent.

None of us are perfect as people, never mind as parents. We all make mistakes, she will too with her own children.

The card does sound very strange, after yet again ignoring you for months. With no relatable message inside, why leave one at all?

Buying, selling and moving is very stressful at the best of times and as we know all too well, moving to move away from an AC is particularly difficult so take your time before making such a huge decision.

All that you did, you did out of love for your D. You worked hard to provide for her when her father was no longer around. "I don't know what I could have done differently" FWIW, I don't know what you could have done differently either.

If only she'd talk to you, perhaps she could tell you what she thinks you could have done differently. We cannot change the past and a conversation may help her to see that she may not have had the childhood she wanted, but she was loved and fortunate to have the one she did have.

Yes Smileless I will wrap everything for my GC today and then weigh it and book a courier. Then I can forget about it. I have decided not to send a Christmas card and not to contact EAC or DiL in any way.

Allsorts I appreciate you sharing your experiences. Please know, you are not "droning on." I'm sorry you had that card from your daughter, and for the hurtful way she has treated you. Like you, I remarried and also cannot see what I could have done differently. We do our best, we make the best decisions we can at the time without future vision! Hindsight is a great thing in a way, but we can't go back and change anything. I know he feels hate towards me, but I can't change it so I suppose I just have to accept it and mind my own business, live my own life and make it the best it can be without them. I'm so sorry for your pain and hope that one day she is able to get therapy and heal.

If anyone has any reasons why I should send them a card, it's not too late so please fire away. I just think whatever I say will go down like a lead balloon. I think wishing them a "Happy Christmas" feels a bit much since I now realise (from listening to Narcissistic injury videos on youtube) that they might be hoping we would beg them for their company!

I don't believe in begging for love or respect. It's either there or it isn't. Like trust, why would anyone choose to be around someone they know they can't trust, hates them and disrespects them? (and we won't be, so they will be not having the Christmas they thought they would)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well you know what they say *Onward" "great minds think alike". Yep go with a courier.

Thanks Smileless I really thought someone was going to tell me I was awful for doing that! Mr O did suggest the drum kit so it seems like we think alike! HAHA

Yes, thank goodness we can still laugh. Only trouble is, I don't think I can post it because it's really heavy. I'm thinking of getting a courier because it might be cheaper than the (surely extortionate) postage on a bulky and heavy package?!

"I've bought the most fun and noisiest toys" Oh good for you Onward.

Before we moved from living just doors away from our ES, I had two ideas for our GC for Christmas. Bearing in mind that the only Christmas present we ever bought was a book which was forced back through our letter box on Christmas Eve, my first idea was a donkey. A real one. As I said to Mr. S. "I'd like to see him push that through our letter box".

The second idea, a couple of years later was a full size drum kit.

Thank goodness we can still laugh Onward.

WorriedWell I don't think they will respond whatever I do. Your idea is good! If I hadn't already bought a gift I would do this.

In a way I don't see why I should ask them what they would like when they haven't spoken. (and probably won't) I've bought the most fun and noisiest toys I could find GC will love them, not so sure about the adults haha.

I haven't written any Christmas cards Smileless and am also lacking in energy after my covid booster. I don't have anything to say to EAC, so no worries Lauren59

Thank you Madgran and Granniesunite.

Elizabeth27

^ I will not do is reward your atrocious behaviour by chasing you down or actually trying to contact you.^

You are contacting them with what comes across as an angry nasty letter. I don’t know what you hope to achieve by this.

I agree with Elizabeth 27.I hope you’re just venting to the universe and not planning to send this.

from me toosmileless

Smileless

A lot of Christmas cards written but still some to do. I jut didn't feel up to the task of picking cards our for our GC's memory boxes yesterday.

Just buying them is hard enough isn't it.

Onward and Upward, you unfortunately cannot change your sons mind, you know in your heart you have done nothing to cause the hostility he feels at present, if you possibly can try to focus on your own well being and just do what feels right to you and try to look after you’re own well being. If you want to send a card or present I think you should, it’s how it makes you feel about the situation that matters. I don’t see how you can give him a narcissistic injury as you are not one. You have done your best, no one can do more than that.

That's a very good idea theworriedwell. If they don't respond or if they say they don't want you to send anything, I would just send the GC cards Onward.

Would it work if you sent a message saying you don't know what the children might need or want and could they make some suggestions. If they don't respond that's on them and you have made it clear you'd like to send a present but don't have to buy and send something just to see it sent back.