Letter to my Estranged Child

It is worrying Onstrike. I came across some resarch the other day that suggested 1 in 4 American AC are estranged from family and a poster on GN has seen that that figure is 1 in 5 for the UK.

"... estrangement is not a good thing for anyone ..."

So very true - even when it is needed.

What really bothers me about this issue is how estrangement is encouraged by so many on social media in every situation. How proud some adult children are that they now have the power to strike back. How some parents can not recognize that their adult offspring deserve their respect.

OnwardandUpward when I say this I often get told its a contradiction but for me there is always a way back. I could reconsile in the right conditions if my mother were to heal herself and take responsibility.

I also know that my part in that is over. It is not my place to push her to seek that help and I know there is no chance that she will.

So I live with two truths, I could forgive but I know she will not ask to be forgiven.

All the time that my close family comes to me from a place where my estranging is worse than the reasons I did it, nothing can ever change.

I choose very carefully whose advice and influence I listen to because estrangement is not a good thing for anyone and I can't lock the door.. I just haven't left it open either.

Onward, is your daughter in law worried too? do they have children?

It sounds quite complicated

That may be a positive Onward, perhaps a first step if your son can see that drugs change his personality. Addiction in any form is notoriously difficult to overcome but seeing that you have a problem, and seeing the negative impact your addiction is having on you and those around you, is often the trigger to seeking help.

I hope this is the case with your son.

Yes VioletSky because he has not made it clear that he has definitely estranged. I think perhaps he does not know himself what he wants. I read a post online ( he probably has no idea I saw it) where he admitted that he had serious personality changes due to drugs. I realised there was a problem when my DiL sent me a photo of him a few months ago and he did not resemble the son I knew. I am hoping he has given himself a fright and is coming out of that place gradually.

It is a mixed bag, indeed.

Did you mean GN has the bigger signpost? I'm not sure what paths you are referring to, but I have been happy to post here.

Onward your son clearly has issues, whatever has gone wrong with him could be far more complex than just estrangement.

I would, in your position, work on becoming stronger myself so that I could support him back to health when he realises he needs help.

It's a mixed bag here I know, AC who will never speak to parents again, EP who will never forgive their adult children for estranging....

There are also many other paths that may be better for you, not just the ones with the biggest signposts

Yes Smileless you would think they would miss the love and support they once had. Perhaps they do but they feel awkward and don't know how to bridge the gap, or perhaps other things outweigh that need?

My son is still loved, from a distance.

I know and I meant no offence when I said that Freedomfromthepast It's just really helped me to see what is probably a more accurate picture. All the time I thought he was probably gleeful about witholding my GC and hurting me to make a point and I must have been wrong.

Yes I think we do want the same thing and it's revelatory to me to discuss from this angle. Thank you so much for saying that. With Christmas looming I think we all need as much love and kindness as possible. I am new to all this, my son only estranged me this summer and he has never said he doesn't want contact. He is just silent.

"I suppose I imagined them going "haha" and imagining us suffering in glee, until I read the article I mentioned earlier. I now realise they are in pain and their lives are forever marred by our absence.- or perhaps the absence of who they wanted or needed us to be."

I have never met someone who has estranged who sat back and said haha in glee of the pain and suffering they have caused. I am sure they are out there though.

Even when I knew that my only choice was to estrange my mother, while sitting with my child in a mental health crisis center, it was devastating to me. I needed therapy to be able to work through it. I did not want to estrange. But even though I estranged her, SHE made the choice of her behavior which is what caused me to estrange. I would have been happy putting my childhood in the past and allowing her a relationship with my children.

One of the things I have realized since joining GN is that we, estranged P/GP and estranged AC, actually want the same thing and have more in common than we think.

For the most part, of course there always cases where this is not true, but for the most part those of us here want nothing more than to have a big loving happy family. We all have been hurt tremendously by family members who have required us to do things we never thought we would have to do: move on and live a different life than we had envisioned.

It helps no one when we label and stereotype.

I also want to thank you for posting this thread. I always welcome respectful discussions of differences and fully believe that is the way forward for us (people as a whole). And chance we have to stop an us vs them viewpoint no matter the topic, the better. I hope that posts such as these lead to understanding and enlightenment, both for posters and lurkers.

Your description of your childhood made me very sad for you, VioletSky I can definitely see you have suffered and your Mother was a weak person to treat her child like that. To have to go without basic underwear and sanitary protection is completely unacceptable. To laugh in your face- I can't even find the words. I would be floored if that happened to me.

To separate someone from other people because they have been told that person is bad is Relational Aggression and can be used to try and isolate people.

If it's any comfort at all, I've read that the scapegoat is the most healthy person in a toxic family. They are the most likely to escape and live a happy , successful life free of toxicity. It's not just kids who are scapegoated though. Adults can be scapegoated by other adults or by their EAC.

I know some mothers can be cruel. Mine triangulated between me and my kids, trying to turn the kids against me and ridiculing me to them. I wish I had the strength to walk away or at least keep my distance when I was young (pre therapy) but I was like a moth to a flame for many years, desperate for any hint of love. In the end, I have had so much therapy that I am secure in myself and no longer look to her for anything. I do talk to her. Despite it all I do love her and I also pity her infantile ways. I believe she is a narcissist and cannot change. She hates her own company while I enjoy mine. For a long time I had the saying "I'm in therapy because of all the people who refuse therapy"

Before I created this thread, I honestly thought that my EAC was somewhere gloating, but now I realise he probably isn't. No one could possibly want their child to suffer, if they have any compassion in their heart, even if their child "deserved" it. I would rather my EAC was happy even if it didn't include me. But I now suspect he is not

Abusers come in all shapes, sizes, ages and genders. We can never generalise anything. There are parents who estrange their cruel kids and kids who estrange their cruel parents. It would be good to see the forums feeling more open to discuss these things without people getting offended or feeling that it's a slur on them when it really isn't. An "us and them situation" sums up the whole of Estrangement and isn't helpful to anyone.

As a parent I am not threatened when an EAC says it's often the parents fault and at the same time I believe those who say the other way round. The last week has been very eye opening and I am grateful for that.

Of course there's a difference between someone accusing you of things you haven't done and calling you out for things you have done Onward.

It doesn't surprise me that some EAC suffer as a result of estranging their parents, and often their entire family. They know the truth, even if they're unable to admit it, so they'll know if their behaviour is totally unjustified, and if the 'reasons' they give have no basis in reality.

They must miss the love and support they once had.

Of course we know that there are abusive parents, how could we not with the horrific case of little Arthur in the news. AC estranging abusive parents is something we can all understand, but AC estranging the parents that love and cared for them is beyond our comprehension, even when we're experiencing it ourselves.

Thank you for your apology.

I hope you realise that many estrangements by EC are justified.

Yes she did, she laughed in my face. I don't think I've ever come accross another person in my life who actually made that expression real... She got right in my face and laughed in it.

She will never admit to any wrongdoing. Not a single thing. She won't admit to the scars I have from being a young child either. She hated me. Without me she thinks my dad would not have left her, the man she is still obsessed with even now despite being apparently happily married to someone else for 35 years or so. I became her physical punchbag and later her emotional one when she was no longer in a position to hide physical abuse.

I was to blame for every thing she could not have because she said my father paid no maintenance. I was severely neglected for the same reason, no new clothes, no underwear, I was to ask my dad if I needed sanitary things for my period because she didn't get money for me. I used tissue and was bullied severely for not having a bra.

He did pay maintenance, I used to hand it to her and she spent it on herself, hid bags of clothes in her wardrobe from my stepdad while lying to him about the money. She had a spending problem and like her abuse of me has always hidden that fact, even from herself.

I'm not sure she even knows or understands she is abusive as she has justified it in her mind that I deserve it. For being born, in its simplest terms.

It's a special kind of mental illness when abusing your own child is necessary for you to hide the dark side of your personality to others. When taking your unhappiness out on them allows you to face the world with a smile and be wonderful to everyone around you but your own child. All the while lying to anyone who will listen about how evil and nasty your own child is so that no one will ever believe them.

Those mothers exist and as much as some do not want to hear that, it's just the way things are for many EC.

I am careful not to make generalisations because it would be ridiculous to think that abusive people are confined to parents and grandparents when those same people were/are someone's adult children.

Something that doesn't always get considered here.

VioletSky I'm sorry if I offended you with that comment. I honestly did not mean you, but meant other EAC who are not on the site but might just read. If you did want to write, or felt it would be useful I'm sure we would be able to "listen". It's great that you offered joint counselling. Did your Mother turn it down? If she did, that's a terrible shame.

I would welcome joint counselling if my EAC suggested it. I have had a lot of counselling over the years to do with my own parents and would be open to more counselling.

I'm so sorry your Mother wasn't able to self reflect Freedomfromthepast Mine isn't either, so I had counselling myself. My Mum also blames me for everything, including many things that are not and never could be my fault. I would never want to be like that. I reached a point now where I am able to admit if something is my fault, but if it's not I won't take the blame. There is a difference between someone trying to blame you and frame you for something you haven't done - and for something you actually have done. I'm at that point, but it's quite new.

You're right, Smileless moving on seems to be the only way - but today has give me a shock reading that EC are suffering. I suppose I imagined them going "haha" and imagining us suffering in glee, until I read the article I mentioned earlier. I now realise they are in pain and their lives are forever marred by our absence.- or perhaps the absence of who they wanted or needed us to be.

I think most parents do their best, but there are always exceptions.

Yes Smileless Annoying typos! Sometimes say something completely different!

I agree that you can't move forward with someone who can't/wont self reflect, which is why you must move forward without them. Not easy, but the only way.

I too used to write, in my head, letters to my mother. It can be very cathartic to do. Sending them wouldn't have made a lick of difference.

And I did try counseling with my mother when I was a teen. It didn't go well then and it wouldn't go well now. She is incapable of self reflection. Even then, she blamed me for all of the world's woes and refused to see her part in the problems in our relationship. One can not move forward with someone who can not self-reflect.

Onward, you are in such a tough position with your son. I hope that your son is able to find his way back to his family soon.

Those typo's are so annoying aren't they Onward.

OnwardandUpward I am very past writing letters and have already done so and offered joint counselling or other ways forward.

I am very aware that none of you are mother and this does not influence the way I communicate here which is why I pointed out that you were actually doing that with your comment to lurking EC... who aren't your child.

Ooops typo ! I meant to say

"That is true, Smileless I would not take credit for a glittering career move any more than I would a drug addled rant."

Yes VioletSky I see your point. I appreciate the feedback even though I wasn't going to send it.

Yes Smileless it does compound mine and Mr O's feeling that the best thing to do was....*nothing*!

Feelings are feelings and we all have them. I know you are very hurt, Smileless as I'm sorry to hear your ES is too. Yes, my ES has also estranged the whole family, not just me, which has been hurtful to them as well. They are not perfect, as I am not perfect- but I don't really believe that estrangement has helped anything when I read the effects on EC and that they are advised by StandAlone to get weekly counselling.

That is true, Smileless I would not take credit for a glittering career move and more than I would a drug addled rant.

VioletSky I am imagining you writing your letter. Maybe you should. You're hurting and we aren't your Mother, so maybe it would help.

Hurt often does come across as anger doesn't it. Our ES is supposedly hurt although we don't know why and we've had nothing, apart from 2 emails in the last year when our mothers died, but his anger and cruel words.

I'm hurt and angry because of what he has done to me, his father and both GM's. I can't think of any EP who wouldn't feel both TBH to have been treated the way we have, and to have seen the hurt inflicted on their elderly mothers.

In cases like ours, yours Onward and those whose situations are similar, it would IMO be extremely naive for our EAC not to expect there to be anger as well as pain.

As you say, we raise our children but we are not responsible for the choices they make and decisions they take. We would not take the credit for example if they made a brilliant career choice, so why should we be expected to be held responsible for the bad choices and decisions they make?

You've written this letter, which you will not be sending to your ES. It's about how you feel and how he's made you feel and there are many EP's, myself included, who have and continue to feel as you do x

OnwardandUpward

As I wrote, I won't be contacting them. Relationships are reciprocal so I will match their energy by doing...nothing! Just wanted to explain that to any lurkers who may be EC to make them have a think and a look at themselves. I don't feel angry, but it's interesting that it read that way. It's probably best to say nothing at all as words can be misconstrued.

It was cathartic to write here, though.

Thanks for all the good wishes

Just imagine if I wrote an open letter to my mum and then said this about EPs?

I might do the former but not the latter.

I did say hurt that came across as anger

Yes we do raise our children Violetsky , but we are not responsible for their adult choices and the consequences which follow those.

I appreciate the feedback and I know you must be right in seeing it come across as anger as other people also said the same, even though I did not feel angry in writing. That only serves to illustrate my point, that anything I say could be misconstrued.

I am open to consider how EC feel and genuinely sorry for anyone on both sides of the coin. It's shocked me that it was read as something I hadn't intended and maybe your Mother also had very different intentions Violetesky? Though only she knows what they were.

If you want any chance of reconciliation do not send that letter.
I understand how you feel, but I promise the content will only make things worse.

We have cross posted

I still think you should reflect on the fact this is a shared forum, and I can only tell you how a letter like that makes this EC feel