Letter to my Estranged Child

I don't mean to sound harsh Onward because I do think your son clearly has issues.. But we do raise our children.

I don't see how this openletter would make EC self reflect or have any positive impact... As I already said. Your hurt comes accross as anger

Thanks Allsorts It's not a good reason though. Not that any reason is a "good reason". You're right, I have done much soul searching and been told time and time again, he will change when he wants to change.

Violetsky I'm sorry you have had these type of letters from your Mother. What it does show is that my feelings were quite common as a mother seeing as your Mother sent this and others have identified. Im not saying it's right, just that feelings are there and I was being honest about them. The difference is that I did say I would not be having contact with him, so the letter will not be sent.

I cannot change his political views, his conspiracy theory views, his feeling that I have let him down by becoming vaccinated. I cannot change the damage that has been done by him taking hallicinogenic drugs or believing things that the shaman has told him that are probably not even true. I cannot change him in any way and I don't want to because he is an adult.

Self reflection: I know I have done my best, which is all anyone can do. I also know I am not perfect, as he is not either. How can anyone do better than their best? Short of me popping him back in my tummy and bringing him up all over again, the only way is for him to talk or us get therapy together.

At least you can see a reason for your sons behaviour Onward, he is using drugs and believes in what he rants, also under the influence of that person, you can’t argue with that as it’s so stupid, you are better out if it as only he can change, no one changes an addict but themselves.

Violetsky My self reflection isnt there because I cannot think of a way I could have made him happier, other than give him all my money and let him continue to live off me!

If he would have spoken about things he felt were a problem (other than politics and covid beliefs that he felt strongly about) then perhaps I could have self reflected on those, but as it is all I have to go on is a hallucinogenic trip he went on , guided by a Shaman where apparently he "saw" me doing something awful!

He also feels that I am not human because I had the covid jab!! I would be interested on how you feel I could self reflect on that?!

I know you are hurting but as an EC this letter would not inspire me to reach out or self reflect.

OnwardandUpward where is your self reflection in this letter? That may get you a much better response/result.

I do self reflect and deeply, I have pulled myself to pieces and put myself back together again trying to understand why I couldn't have the relationship I wanted/needed with my mother.

I have had many letters like this from my mother, I view them as designed to push me further away because they could not possibly be designed to bridge the gap between us.

Hi Grannysmith I'm so sorry for you too. That's so sad. It's nice of you to send cards and it's good to have hope. I'd never say never, but at the same time I'm not sure (for me) that sending a card is a good idea because he would be bound to read something into it. I think we just have to bide our time and hope he comes out the other side of the false things he has been fed.

It's sad that the Estranged kids are struggling this time of year too.

Hello all.
I have written that letter so many time but never posted it.
I have been estranged from my daughter for over 6 years now. The pain never leaves me, as you say, it is like a knife twisting my heart especially at this time of year when everyone seems to be buying presents for their families. She has 3 children, one of whom I have never seen. I do send cards & live in hope but deep inside I know that she will never reconcile with me.

It's clearly not easy. I think that family therapy should have been advised to an EAC. At least then if things couldnt be worked out and an estrangement happened, both sides would know that they had truly tried everything to make it work.

As I mentioned above, my son was guided on a hallucinogenic trip that seems to be a major cause of our estrangement because he believes he has seen the past and the future

OnwardandUpward

Hi Allsorts thanks. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat! Yes I agree, everyone deserves a hearing. It's very sad and we have accepted he does not want us in his life- but as he has estranged from everyone in the family and we know our GC will get no gifts from them, we will send some. It's not the innocent child's choice to have no family and no Christmas cheer, after all.

I found this link www.standalone.org.uk/guides/adultchildren/ and it suggests that EAC should draw support from thir close friends and also have counselling once a week to cope with the estrangement! It's interesting to note that although it's their choice, they are probably not doing that well. My son does not have close friends and is not in contact with any other family, plus he has always been very resistant to any kind of therapy or counselling, so he's probably not doing very well.

I think this link encapsulates what a lot of EAC members have said. It’s not easy to go NC. The majority on here have done so after years of trying to fix issues.

Estrangement is hard for all parties involved

My son took the hallucinogenic drug ayahuasca (also known as DMT) during lockdown went on a guided trip with a Shaman. He believes he saw me doing something awful. ( I dread to think what that was.) It was after this that he estranged me, as if I'm meant to know what I "did".

Whoever this shaman was, it seems like they deliberately told him something terrible and I don't know how to challenge something that he believes in concretely.

I know a lot of people want to believe parents are at fault, but I cannot compete with a hallucinogenic drug and the guidance of a shaman who's spreading lies.

Please do not send your letter.
My son in law has received many similar letters but probably even more unpleasant and nasty. He had tried for many years to make the relationship work - but his mother was never willing or able to accept her role in the strained relationship.
It was only after his wife ( my daughter) was so very ill that her behaviour went too far and he had no other choice but to go NC.
She tried to involve me by sending me unpleasant letters about them - unaware I had personally witnessed and heard some of the untruthful and vile comments she had made.
My SIL hopes for a reconciliation but until his mother accepts she has a part to play in the process then it will not be happening.

Hi Allsorts thanks. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat! Yes I agree, everyone deserves a hearing. It's very sad and we have accepted he does not want us in his life- but as he has estranged from everyone in the family and we know our GC will get no gifts from them, we will send some. It's not the innocent child's choice to have no family and no Christmas cheer, after all.

I found this link www.standalone.org.uk/guides/adultchildren/ and it suggests that EAC should draw support from thir close friends and also have counselling once a week to cope with the estrangement! It's interesting to note that although it's their choice, they are probably not doing that well. My son does not have close friends and is not in contact with any other family, plus he has always been very resistant to any kind of therapy or counselling, so he's probably not doing very well.

I &O, I so understand that letter, I have done similar but of course never sent them, very glad I didn’t. I continue to send cards, always thinking of you and love. Nothing else. I don’t understand or condone estrangement, and we would have nothing in common now I know, but in my heart I love the lovely girl and young woman who is my daughter as I remember her. She estranged me, not I her, I wouldn’t do that to anyone, everyone deserves a hearing, a chance to change, but obviously she doesn’t see things as I do, you have to follow your heart if you think it right. I just hope she is happy. I never contact by phone or any type of messaging, because if they have made it clear you are not loved and wanted and it’s harassment to pursue.

Yes, Smileless. I understand your feeling. Relationships should be reciprocal, each matching the other's energy. We should not chase love or be a door mat.Talked to Mr O last night and we both agreed that the only way is to do nothing. If he does not reflect or have time to miss us or feel regret, he will have no reason to change.

I found this and it mentions the rise of covid induced estrangements and also political caused. www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211201-family-estrangement-why-adults-are-cutting-off-their-parents

I see it as self protection rather than ignoring GSM. As I've posted, reaching out in anyway no matter how small, ignites the little bit of hope and when you get nothing or nastiness in return, it's like having the knife twisted.

Your damned if you do and damned if you don't Onward so don't do what you think may be best for him, do or don't do what you believe is best for you.

GermanshepherdsMum as I mentioned we will probably be sending GC a gift- and as they are not old enough to acknowledge this, perhaps their parents will. I don't feel right about sending a card really as it will most likely be analyzed and found wanting.

You're right Smileless I don't think a Christmas card is right. I don't think a note is right. He has done this and now he can reap the consequences and see if he likes an estranged Christmas. If he misses us or feels sad, he can always review his choices in the New Year.

At least doing nothing, nothing can be misconstrued! You're right, Smileless x

I can’t imagine how painful it must be but if you ignore him the way he is ignoring you it becomes tit for tat where neither side will budge. And men aren’t known for their ability to admit they’re in the wrong. Their egos get in the way. Continue to give him opportunities to pluck up courage to contact you. I hope you can get back together again. Covid and vaccines have divided so many families.

Yes, Smileless I'm a bit tired of being misconstrued !

I don't think I'll bother doing anything because whatever I do will be wrong in his eyes! In the last few years I have not been able to do right for doing wrong, since he has a wife he has been awful. I don't know why he can't have enough love in his heart for two women, but he has been chipping away at me for a few years and I don't miss that. My new motto " do what's right for me/us -at least then someone will be happy with me/us!"

I'm so sorry Granniesunite it is very painful.

Yes that is interesting Onward. Words like manipulate, coerce and estrangement depending on where and how they're used can sound angry, then again when they're simply describing what you have experienced at the hands of your AC then as you say, you're highlighting the truth of how they've behaved.

The first Christmas is the worse, all Christmas' are hard though as we see images of happy families, P's with their AC and GP's and their GC and see the things we would love to buy for them, if only we could.

The problem with even sending "a nice note in a Christmas card" it it's like walking into a mine field GSM. Accusations of harassment, not respecting their wishes etc. There's also the reality that, even if you know in your heart that you wont get a response, it ignites that tiny hope that you might do.

IMO and in our experience, it's better to do nothing. They have chosen to walk away and only they can decide to come back and nothing you do or say will make any difference.

Estrangement is very painful and for me that’s what comes across in your letter. It is life changing and takes time to adjust and live your life in a different way. Lose yourself in the love of those that love you. You will heal ….

It’s nearly five years now since my granddaughter estranged us.
Still sore when we speak of her but I cherish even more the time I spend with the rest of my family.

I don't know... GermanshepherdsMum

It is this year that he has estranged, mainly to do with his views over vaccines/covid I think, although he might have used that as an excuse. We will probably send our GC a gift, but were not planning on sending ES and DiL anything (not even a card) seeing as they have even ignored things we have send them (post that came here by mistake and a gift we sent for GC)

That's good to know Onward. When you think how they appear to have 'misconstrued' their childhoods and all we did for them, it's not beyond the realm of possibility they'll misconstrue our words too.

You could perhaps send a nice note in a Christmas card as the estrangement is so recent? To try to prevent a permanent stand off?

Thanks Smileless and I'm so sorry it's your 9th and although it's only my first I can only imagine your pain.

I don't know why people read things as anger. I suppose when writing it I thought I was highlighting the truth. I suppose the problem with that is that people see things differently, for example in the war both sides thought they were fighting for good.

Since my EC has never spoken to me since any of this became an issue, I cannot properly understand his point of view and can only share things here from my viewpoint. I would certainly not communicate this to EC because anything I say would probably be used against me while he is in this mindset. Bear with me because it's the first Christmas and all of this is new to me- whatever I say here, I will not contact EC. HE did this. He has to be a man and make it stop, if he wants to.