Child estranges one gradparent

We are still responsible for our behaviour in our bad times, has your wife taken accountability and apologised? You don't say exactly what was said and done during this time so it is hard to advise properly.

I understand that you having this relationship is hard for your wife but please don't stop having it. First it is a point of contact between you and something to build on for the future and second, it is something your wife must make right with your son, you aren't responsible for her poor behaviour and you shouldn't suffer this awful loss too.

It would be very selfish and self centred of her if she tried to force you to choose her side and stop having a relationship with your own child and grandchildren. It would cause you so much pain to do that, I appreciate you live with her and there may be incredible pressure but she must put your needs first here and if she isn't, that's so wrong of her and something to consider further.

I hope you come back and tell us more so we can give some better advise on how to move forward. I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

Essendon it's clearly a difficult situation but don't introduce more estrangement into it by reducing or cutting contact.
Do you feel that your son's reaction is understandable even if you don't agree with it?

How MIL behaved after the death of her son/ DH brother led to our estrangement.
You can understand that grief may have caused the actions while still maintaining that those actions closed the door on the relationship.

Also if my DHs choices and actions led to our children deciding to remove him from their lives I don't see why I should also suffer.

We don’t know what the mother did, but if it was some form of rejection of her living child for not being the child she wanted, then I would be very concerned that he would view his father’s withdrawal from meeting with him as yet another rejection.

And possibly another time that his mothers needs and wishes are paramount and his needs don’t matter.

I don't think it is about choosing between. It is about working on relationships, keeping doors open, de icing together what works for you in your relationship as a couple and/or what works for you as a couple in your relationship (or non relationship ) with your AC.

I agree with you Poppy that noone is right or wrong, just different, in different circumstances and different relationships.

Essendon some more info in what happened between mother and son would help on making suggestions for you, but quite understand if uou prefer not to say

Sorry about the death of your daughter, that must have been devastating. It sounds as though your son has been very badly affected by your wife’s behaviour towards him since than. The reparation has to be between your wife and your son directly, I feel it’s not fair of her to let you know how difficult she is finding you visiting your son and his family and she should not make you feel guilty, because by the sound of it you still have a good relationship with him, and you’re just trying to do your best by everybody. Please don’t let yourself lose your son as well.

I can't speak for everyone, but I'd never chose my husband over my children and he feels the same way.
I/he would have to suck it up I'm afraid.

If she/he had a rocky relationship with one parent I wouldn't want to leave them with 'nothing'.
I'd want my children to atleast have one parent there.

I suppose everyone is different. It doesn't make anyone right or wrong.

I'm genuinely curious. Has anyone thought of how awful it is for a GP to be sat at home while their partner is visiting the AC and GC they're not allowed to see?

Several months into our estrangement Mr. S. met up with our ES on our ES's instigation providing he went alone. It was the worse and longest 3.5 of my life as I sat at a friends wondering what was happening and what was being said.

I can't imagine what it would be like to know that your husband or wife was seeing the AC and GC, with all the cuddles that that would bring, that you're not allowed to see.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, and for your wife who has been through the most dreadful thing imaginable.

I’m not sure how long ago this happened, so perhaps time may be a good way to heal? Has your wife been able to work through her trauma and learn coping mechanisms? If so, then perhaps a period of changed behaviour in addition to an acknowledgement of how her behaviour affected you son may be a route for them to restart contact?

Although she has her diagnosis and that is a reason for how she acted, it doesn’t change the fact that some of what she did/said hurt your son enough that he had to withdraw from her to protect his own immediate family and mental health. So although the PTSD is a reason, it can’t change her previous behaviour which hopefully she can acknowledge, apologise for and realise how to avoid repeating.

I’m your shoes I’d continue to see my child and grandchild and maybe after the festive season ask what (if anything) could be done to repair the fractured relationship.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

How did your wife behave? It must have a long lasting effect on the son, he lost his sister after all too

You can continue visiting on your own and hope the issues between your wife and son will be addressed by them

If you put pressure on your son to include her, you risk losing this relationship

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this very difficult and upsetting situation Essendon.

I am not suggesting you should do this as it is of course entirely your decision, but if it were me, I would stop visiting explaining to my son that doing so was understandably extremely upsetting for my husband.

We have been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 9 years and I would not see them if my husband were to be excluded.

You say you are struggling with this, as is your wife so perhaps not seeing them as things stand, would be best for you both.

Haas your wife spoken to your son since?
without knowing what actually happened I don't think any of us can pass judgement. I think you should carry on seeing your son though. Maybe some family therapy would useful?
I', sorry about the loss of your daughter

Unfortunately there's a lot missing here, before I can go down the route he's being hard hearted. Your wife 'couldnt control her emotions' is a vague way of saying what? Her behaviour obviously impacted badly on him so much that it had far reaching consequences. I know you say she had good reason and while I can sympathise, I wonder if you are minimising the impact on your son. It must be hard being stuck in the middle but I'm not sure you can do or should do anything.

Atleast you know why he's doing it. It obviously effected a great deal if all these years later he's still effected by it. There's no relationship with his mum?

I don't really think there's much you can do? Either stop contact? Cut down contact?

Not much advice really but it's a difficult situation to be in.

Oh my goodness this is very tough Why on earth would your son punish his mother for going to pieces after losing his sister Normal surely
Is there any possibility that you and your wife could see the grandchild for even half an hour outside the sons home ?
I can really understand you struggling with this it must be heartbreaking for your wife Sorry to be harsh but your son must be a very hard hearted man
I can’t think of any other answers I hope you get better advice from others (has your wife had counselling or other mental health help)