Sign for grandchildren

Ah, controlling people are so difficult! cafeaulait That's shocking and also unsurprising. I wonder if my Mother's problem was something like that. She kept to it proudly for some time and then became scared during Covid and started talking again as if nothing had happened.

I think, with controlling people you cannot afford to give an inch or they will try to take a mile. They often sulk when they don't get their own way, like children. I think you have done the best thing in living your life on your terms and not being a prisoner of theirs, yet inviting them over on your terms. Your PiL have to accept it's your home, your rules. You have the kids and they are welcome to visit on your terms.

I was very fortunate with my inlaws that they were more emotionally healthy than my own parents and never ever demanded anything or tried to control me.

My suggestion of GP's and GC using social media and other means of communication to maintain their existing relationship CafeAuLait, was to point out that actual visits could be minimised but the relationship they have could continue.

There was no suggestion that this should be forced and I have never suggested that GC be forced to see their GP's if they don't want too. I posted earlier on this thread that any reasonable GP wouldn't want that to be the case.

It could of course backfire on GP's going to court for contact to maintain the relationship they have with their GC, just as it could backfire on the parents who prevented that relationship from continuing.

Onward - oh, she's offended. She wanted a level of control in my life, household and over my children that I found suffocating and inappropriate. She wouldn't accept it any other way so opted out. I'm afraid I'm not prepared to live my life on her terms, at my expense, to meet her wants.

Yes, Violetsky so I have been in the middle of being estranged by the generation above and below me , though fortunately not at the same time. I do think that my Mother's behaviour influenced my son as he was very hurt by her disappearance and became very ill as a result of it. I think she showed him that if you want to hurt your family, you estrange- and sure enough, he has.

From my perspective, it would be great to see my GC but I don't think my son in his current MH state would cope at all and that would definitely be bad for their little family. Though at the moment he has them isolated completely from everyone.

That's sad about your PIL Cafeaulait I think it's not always what we say but how other people percieve what we said. Or maybe they got offended by something and withdrew without resolving it, but then put the blame on you/me?

Your voice is important VioletSky. You bring a valid perspective. It might not apply to all or even most situations, but it is important to consider for those where it does apply.

I'm sure my MIL has convinced herself we estranged her. She won't fool my children though. They have heard me invite her.
Having said that, I do not know the words that were used between her and my husband during that critical conversation, though what he reports is pretty clearly her deciding she was out.

I have no idea as to where my PIL are with health. I guess if they want to reach out, they will.

Thank you all who have come to my defense I really do appreciate it.

OnwardandUpward I really do understand how awful that is and getting the silent treatment with no understanding about why. We are all influenced by our own experiences but I do try very hard to think about it from all angles.

My little (big) family is not at risk from this petition but the thought of my mother or anyone like her getting that level of control genuinely terrifies me.

I wish I knew another solution for those who have lost good family relationships without opening up that sort of risk but I just don't.

I wish that I could feel this would genuinely put control into the hands of the grandchildren themselves on who they choose to spend time with but I just don't.

My Mother is mentally ill and elderly , needing help with things now. She says I estranged her and I think she cannot admit what she did. She is confused about a lot of things, so I feel sorry for her. I know what happened and my husband knows how upset I was when she estranged, but she doesn't seem to remember it! My kids know what happened too and were very upset by it.

Onward - what healed your relationship with your mother? Did she just change her mind one day?

When my MIL saw my children one year she told them how much she missed them. When she had gone, the joking and laughter from the children was full on. They know she estranged us, not the other way around, and that she had an open invitation to visit before that. Grandchildren see right through that sort of thing.

I don't see anything wrong with what you said Violetsky, but I do think branding it "unforgiveable" and wrong, is wrong.

My Mother also estranged me from family members and even from herself once, so I hope you will not be put off posting. There are so many different angles to all of this and I hope people can respond with kindness and not react badly, to each other's experiences.

It's not as if we are the relative who caused the pain, after all. We are just people, doing our best to get by and looking for support from likeminded people on a support forum.We are all someone's daughter, most of us are Mothers. We should seek common ground, not focus on differences.

CafeauLait you are right. It could backfire.

I can't see how forced visits won't backfire on the GPs.

"I want to go to friend's party/out with friend."
"No, sorry, you have to go visit GPs."
"I don't want to! Why do I have to?"
"Because GPs made the court order it, so you have to."

"I want to go to concert/event."
"No, sorry, you have to go visit GPs."

"I just want to relax at home and play with my pet/game."
"No, sorry, you have to go visit GPs."

Sounds like a relationship destroyer to me.

I think it was Smileless who suggested social media contact. My lot are hopeless at returning messages and the younger ones don't have social media. They don't even interact with the GPs they want to interact with much through this. Should this be forced too?

I think this could backfire into GC who resent the obligation it puts on them.

It could be that my mother estranged me from family members for long periods of time and that has influenced my thinking. I genuinely did not mean to upset anyone and haven't made comment on anyone's sad personal situation

I’ve just read the offending post and really, I don’t understand what VS said that was either offensive or thoughtless.

Am I reading it wrong? I don’t get it.

Hithere

The post by VS at 20:20 is written for a general audience, not referring to anybody in particular whatsoever.

Now, if any poster feels it is personally calling them/identified/have any investment on those words, it is not VS' fault.

I read it that way too.

All any of us can do is comment based on our own experiences. It makes no sense to react badly to someone else's bitter experience and take it personally when it was not meant that way. To say it's "unforgiveable" is even more sad.

No offence taken here Iam64

Oh dear Smileless I hope nothing is "unforgiveable", for anyone. Especially not at Christmas.

I think every family is different and it would be sad if some parents were stressed by having to allow people they knew were harmful to be around their kids. In my background there was a relative who I knew was harmful. I managed to move away, but if I had been forced to let my kids see that person, it would have been very stressful for me (and they would have picked up on that)

The post by VS at 20:20 is written for a general audience, not referring to anybody in particular whatsoever.

Now, if any poster feels it is personally calling them/identified/have any investment on those words, it is not VS' fault.

I didn't mean to upset anyone, but if estrangement is emotionally abusive (by some parties, saying all would be a horrific thing to say in our diverse group) then logically that's what the parents are in general

I’m taking some of these posts with a very large pinch of salt.

I respect the right of different points of view in fact we can learn from some of the serious posters but the others in my opinion are playing games.

Estrangement is not a game.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Smileless2012

Well you obviously didn't read VS's post @ 20.20 then GG.

I don’t care what VS wrote, you have no right whatsoever to accuse individuals who find themselves in the difficult position of having their relationship with their parents breakdown, as emotionally abusing their own children.

Nor is it emotional abuse, Smileless.

It is an incredibly offensive and wildly inappropriate thing to say.

Grandparents are not automatically entitled to access to their grandchildren, for a very good reason. It’s very unlikely that’s going to change, regardless of online petitions and sulky forum posts

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

VS has as much right to post as anybody.

EGPs and EAC can post in this thread, right?

The thread is asking people to sign a petition. Some posters are explaining why they think it’s a bad idea. It’s not a personal insult to anyone who has been estranged when it isn’t their doing. Don’t be so precious.