I’ve been estranged from my son (now 42) for nearly all of his adult life, that is something I came to terms with a long time ago. But now this? The granddaughter whom I loved (far too much), cared for and tried to keep safe from her abusive & neglectful parents for the first 16,17 (18?) years of her life (she’s now 21) wants nothing to do with me. She began her quest to hate me about a year and a half or two years ago. She’s since honed it to near perfection. Even though I’ve been the only one who has cared for and about her, the only person who has never given up on her, the only person whom she knows has always loved her but now she is determined find reasons to hate me. I wish I could just say “fine, screw it! You don’t want anything to do with me then I’ll not waste my time, futile efforts and endless tears trying to hold on to something that is gone and someone whom I no longer know.” But honestly? I’m not sure if I can make it through another christmas without this beloved, but broken child. Everything causes me pain and I can’t foresee ever being okay again. I worry about her constantly, is she hungry, warm, safe? Is she lonely, sad? Everywhere I go I look for her., “everywhere”. I hate leaving my house. I’m afraid to leave her all alone in this world because what if someday she needs me or misses me? But I’m so tired and I just want it all to stop. No more hurting, or worrying. No more missing a child whom I believe once loved me but who now only hates my interference in her life. Sorry. I’m overflowing with words and the need to just let go and fall head first, pedal to the floor, into the abyss. No need to respond. No one can help. I just needed to tell someone, wherever that person may be, that …, that maybe I just can’t. Can’t do another christmas here, alone. Unwanted. Unloved. ~WithoutH3r~
.