EAC: Father died

So sorry to hear this Shelbel estrangement sucks . You look after yourself.

I think Deeda hit the nail on the head too.

I know some people think "oh well, you've estranged so you got what you wanted" but it's one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life. Even while I felt relieved and my life improved in so many ways, the loss of ever being "seen" and loved by my mother was staggering.

It's the only kind of loss I've ever come accross that is ultimately beneficial but when a good person estranges they feel all the guilt that comes with it because of this ideal that has never existed.

I am so sorry to know what you have been through Shelbel. A small word I know for such suffering but said with sincerity.

Seasidelass - I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother. Emotionally neglected by both mother and father. Scapegoated and ostracised all my life until 2 years ago when I gave up trying after he lied and betrayed me.

Madgran - Lovely message that I have taken to heart. Thank you.

and again, thanks all. It helps a lot.

Deeda - It's interesting what you say that the most abused were the most homesick. I believe it's called Trauma bonding. Yes, I think you have hit on something there about my reaction to being estranged.

There was a constant fight to get attention in my family. I gave that up quite early but some of the conditioning never fades. Always trying to please them.

Shelbel, I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, it is still a loss even when you are estranged. I had no idea what it would be like when something happened to my mom. I am more aware now as she almost died last week. The range of emotions and thoughts is exhausting.

Years ago I read a book by a lady who ran holidays for children. She said she found the ones from unhappy homes seemed to be the most homesick. She thought they made up a picture of a happy home when they were away from it. I wonder if the same happens if you are estranged from your adult family. Perhaps you get a feeling that all problems could have been solved so you feel you should do something.

OK seasidelass

I still think it odd that you should mention here something that the original poster had disclosed elsewhere, but not on this particular thread VioletSky.

Perhaps she hadn't wanted it mentioning here.

I haven't assumed anything seasidelass

I have read comments made by Shelbel previously that said she has suffered emotional and physical abuse and I remembered. I also remember her mentioning that her father was unwell and her sisters had promised to let her know.

My sincere condolences Shelbel.

Your earlier post has confused me VioletSky. Why have you assumed that Shelbel was abused there are other reasons for estrangement and it would be unfortunate you having mentioned abuse, if this was not the case.

Sorry to hear of your loss Shelbel. I went to my estranged mother's funeral. Meeting the rest of the family again reminded me why I am estranged and continued to be! Sounds like not being able to go to your Father's funeral may well be a blessing, particularly as you refer to your "Twisted Sisters".
Always good to forgive, if only in the sense to forget and move on.

That was lovely Madgran

Shelbel The acceptance of there being no chance of resolution with your father is very hard. And you know you face the same with your Mother, making it even harder. There is no one answer right for all whilst going through this but do be kind and understanding to yourself You are grieving for what you didn't have, for what you hoped you would have, for that small hope of resolution with your father that will now never be.

Don't question yourself over the card. You sent it, what your mother thinks/makes of that is for her to deal with you. Try not to focus on your sisters not doing what they said they would. Try to focus on yourself, your needs and moving forward without and despite of people who have caused you harm.

For some, thinking about small glimmers of "good bits" can help, for others who have suffered an awful lot of "bad bits" it doesn't help at all, especially if bad always followed any "good"! Just do what you need to do and look after yourself

We felt bereaved a long time before our parents actually died. We did all we could while they were alive, and it obviously wasn’t good enough.

Don’t feel bad. It is what it is. You can’t do anymore than that ?

Shelbel, sorry fhe the loss of your father and estrangement from your mother and sisters, but especially for the love and nurturing you should have had. I think you were right sending the card.

So sorry for your loss

Society tells us we are supposed to act a certain way when our parents die or something happens to them but estrangement is a game changer.

I agree with mercuryqueen - you may have grieved him a long time ago.

Nana.

I'm so sorry for your loss and totally understand your feelings.
My mother died in January, we were estranged for years.
I did get to see her before she died. It was odd. I felt sad for a death but had no strong feelings about it being my mother.
I feel guilty for not grieving but I think I did that many years ago.
I hope you get through this difficult time. Xx

For some that can certainly help the healing process mumofmadboys.

No, remembering the good and forgiving the bad has never been necessary to healing from abuse and often can be counterproductive.

In time Shelbel you may be able to be thankful for the good things/ memories of your Dad and forgive him the bad bits. I am sure your head is all of a jumble at the moment but time will help you see things more clearly. x

Thanks everyone for your kind messages.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father Shelbel, despite being estranged I can understand why there's some sadness there.

You did what you thought was right by sending your estranged mother a condolence card and can do no more.

Hello Shelbel, I hope your son is supporting you and you have friends who care,
Most Parents love and protect their children but sadly some don’t. I do Understand and send you good wishes.

I think that when you’re estranged from parents, you’ve already been grieving for a long time before they pass.

I wish you strength and healing.