Explaining GP estrangement to DS (DIL side)

I think the same as many others, you don't need to explain anything just now if he is only 3 as it won't have occurred to him. As he gets older, if he asks then just a short answer like 'we don't see them because they were not kind to Daddy". Teenagers may ask more questions but that would be much later.

There isn’t ‘ right or wrong’ BlueVelvet....just what suits you and your family best. You can’t possibly prepare for 5, 10, 15 plus years ahead. None of us can. Don’t try to look at the future. Just deal with now.

You never know....reconciliation could be on the cards in the future, but right at this minute, it isn’t. I would keep the letter, but there’s no reason to show it unless the time is right, and you’ll know when that is.

In my experience, my kids never had proper relationships with grandparents, so never missed it. It’s made absolutely no difference at all to them now, as adults.

Enjoy the family you have, and live each day. The future will take care of itself.

BlueVelvet I remember the first time one of my sons said to me that his grandparents weren't like other grandparents.

I wish I had estranged much sooner.

My younger children do not miss them and do not feel they are missing out. They never mention them.

They also have a wonderful grandfather who lives abroad and we don't see often and they don't feel hurt by that, they just love him when they see him.

Children only need loving parents to grow up resilient I promise

Someone in our family (I shall call them A) was estranged by their parent who didn't agree with a life choice they made. As a result A's child (age 4 ) was shunned and ignored by the child's GP. As we know, 4 year old memories are remembered later in life- so those GP have done a sad thing, that might be remembered later on.

Whatever my child did, I would not ignore my GC on their birthday or Christmas- or at all if I saw them.

It's made me sad to know this 4 year old in our family has been upset by her GP ignoring her when she saw them and more recently her birthday was ignored. My feeling is that it's not right to shun or punish a child because you're annoyed with their parents.

There are people who cut off cleanly, like Violetsky has done. Like my son did for that time and like many others have....
But...
There are also people who use their kids as pawns to try to extort money or other advantage.
There are also GP who harm their GC because they cut them off due to not being able to control their AC. A GC who has enjoyed a close relationship with their GP will feel hurt if that same GP ignores them because of falling out with the child's parents and I'm very sad for the little child involved.

I can't think why or how loving GP could ignore their GC or cut off their child just because they don't like their child's new partner. I hope they realise what they have thrown away and the damage they have caused, before it's too late to repair and spend time with that precious child.

True, children only need loving parents to be secure and resilient VioletSky. But we do miss people who our parents estranged (I am proof of that when my parents estranged several family members) and we do miss our GP when they estrange us due to their annoyance with our parents (My kids can attest to this)

Thank you all for your comments. I do have postnatal PTSD so I’m probably just over worrying at the moment. My own GP’s had all died by the time I was 5 and I used to wish I could have sleepovers and days out like other children at school but it didn’t affect me and I had loving parents.

He still has my DD who loves him dearly. Luckily my DS hasn’t seen my in laws since about 2 months old so there isn’t a relationship that he will remember. DH is adamant there will never be any reconciliation unless they got therapy which is unlikely. I will just have to take it as it goes and answer any questions DS has in the future.

Onward that's why we worry about this, children need to know enough information to understand when we distance from family that aren't good for us or them and I think it is a credit to Bluevelvet for asking for advice on how to do that

I was estranged from family unfairly for years and I do remember missing them. Now they believe a lot of lies about me being the scapegoat. All I could do is tell them the truth about everything my mother did and said about them and that would make me the person who blew up previously estranged relationships now reconsiled and hurt everyone.. I just can't do that.

So I have had to make peace with that.

I'm sorry that you are suffering from postnatal PTSD BlueVelvet. I think your DH may well be right so try to put this to one side and until the time comes when you need to address it.

I would keep it light, keep it brief, and keep it age appropriate.

No need to burden young children with knowledge they can't understand.

If, as they reach their teen years, they want more information, you can give them more then.

Meanwhile, look after yourself and don't worry about the future. ?