Pregnant and abusive daughter

VioletSky

Have you considered that actually, it could be how it's read. There isn't any tone or inflection in type

One of the things any writer considers is tone. How a piece is read is generally a reflection of how it's written. To say there is no tone in type isn't true. It may be that we convey a tone that is not what we intend, but the choice of vocabulary, sentence structure, and the cultural nuances we bring to anything we write all affect the tone.

It may also be that the difference in speech patterns across generations contribute to a mismatch between the intended and perceived tone but it's neither helpful nor accurate to make it a game of 'your fault not mine.'

It can take a while but it is a good feeling when relief is what you feel Allsorts. Thankfully we never had to do the egg shell walk, never got the chance but I can see it must be "demeaning and ridiculous" and agree that "we are worth more than that".

Good post Smileless. Sometimes it’s a relief to not have to dance any more to an entitled ac who acts like a child. It’s freeing, no relationship is worth walking in egg shells for and trying to work out what you and can’t say. It’s demeaning and ridiculous, we are worth more than that.

I can honestly say that my most positive experience of a support group has been here on GN. I find that 'closed' support groups can be too introspective, with little or no light relief from simply chatting about every day things as everything is about estrangement.

Little or no interest in anyone who manages to reconcile when there is much to be learned from anyone who sees an end to their estrangement.

Little or no interest in anyone fearing estrangement, because they're not there yet, despite the trauma of feeling as if they're in no man's land.

One in particular where there wasn't any encouragement to let go and move on with your life. Living in perpetual pain and misery seemed to be the order of the day. Needless to say, I didn't stay very long.

IMO it's beneficial where appropriate to point out that no one should have to tolerate abuse, be someone's emotional punch bag and be subjected to emotional blackmail. Equally beneficial to say if you feel someone could do things better, which has to be said in a non judgemental way.

That's it's OK that you weren't a perfect parent, because who is?
It's OK to be angry because anger is part of the grieving process and estrangement is called 'a living bereavement'.

Different people have different needs and it can take time to find the right support group for your needs. One size doesn't fit all. As with any advice regardless of its source, a decision has to be made whether or not it's the right advice for you.

To the OP: I don’t think your situation sounds like one where you are likely to be estranged. You and your daughter clearly care for each other. This is a very stressful situation, and one where I think it’s natural for tensions to arise. I often reflect on what would happen at heightened situations if I had turned to online forums (as I’m more active online now then I was ever before ) and I worry sometimes that it could have exacerbated the situation. A friend forwarded me the following blog about balancing finding support online and repairing relationships with adult children. I hope it can be helpful for you as well, although as with everything, it’s just one person’s perspective and I don’t know that it directly relates to things here on Gransnet. medium.com/wise-woman-within/estranged-parent-support-groups-can-do-more-harm-than-good-c1d2387bfce2

Only time will tell Madgran.

Yes I agree Smileless I don't think suggesting looking at a thread is against the rules. I think talking about the nature of the thread, the things discussed might be but who knows.

Anyway I hope that if Longtoothedgran decided to look at it, she finds it helpful

It's a possibility Madgran but I hope not. I'm not sure that suggesting a poster look at another thread is against the rules. It seems reasonable to me if the suggestion is to be helpful.

The "support thread|" offers support and a "listening ear" for expressing upset, anger and very human feelings. Sometimes posters validate those human feelings, sometimes they suggest a different viewpoint. It also offers "critical friend" advice on occasions, helping people to think about their situation from different perspectives and ways to deal with their anger or their upset or their very human feelings. Over the time I have read and on occasions commented on it I have seen EPs, EACs and those fearing estrangement even if not fully estranged, get help and support on the thread.

Sadly I have also seen arguments, upsets and "side" wars which really help no-one. It would be good if that did not arise again, and also if posters who are struggling with difficult issues could be left to decide for themselves whether they want to read and/or participate in the thread as they see fit.

I am aware of course that this post may be deleted as I believe in the GN rules it states that discussion on "other threads" should not take place. If that is the case I assume that several of the last few posts may also be deleted.

No one can understand fully the pain of something like being estranged, by your AC, as well as those that are going through the same.

Support, without judgements being made, can be very helpful. ?

Meant to say it's good that you gave the full title for the thread Pantglas just in case the OP does want to take a look.

Help and support is also available there for anyone fearing estrangement DiamonLily which I'm sure LongtoothedGran would find beneficial.

I hope the OP manages to sort out whatever the problem is, at the right time, and salvages the relationship with her DD, maybe after some honest discussion, as to what the 22 year old angst is about, but if worse comes to worse, I would say that the "support in estrangement" thread would be a good place for her to get support and understanding.

Hopefully, it won't come to that though.

Yes I hope so too Pantglas, for the reasons you have given but not because she becomes estranged.

Oh I do hope OP does find the ‘Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life’ thread.

The very fact that there are so many different points of view and experiences on there will surely help to make good decisions rather than one biased viewpoint reiterated ad nauseum.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Well I'm confused as to how it can possibly help the OP by putting all of the blame on to her, and not just about the 'phone call but everything else, so that makes two of us Grandpanow all be it for different reasons.

I am confused as to how it can possibly help the OP to blame the FIL. Regardless of what you might have done in FIL’s shoes, expecting others to hide things for you is never going to be guaranteed to work. A practical solution for OP is not going to involve finding people who are more willing to lie or not tell others they spoke to her, as she has no control over whether her daughters friends and family are those type of people.

What was there hide? The OP wanted to make sure everything was OK. If it was, why would you want to hide that and if it wasn't, why would anyone want to hide that from a loving and concerned parent?

You receive a 'phone call from your d.i.l's parents asking if everything's OK because for 4 days despite trying to contact her you've had no reply.

I wouldn't have said anything. I would have either have been aware there was an issue or suspected there was and wouldn't have wanted to exacerbate it.

If it became known later, I would have simply said that I hadn't mentioned it because I didn't want to increase tension. That I didn't think there was anything wrong in being contacted and asked not to mention it, as the OP was clearly concerned about her D, and being subjected to her D's anger if she knew about the call.

I would add that had my d.i.l. simply responded to her mum, the situation would never have arisen.

If the f.i.l. was genuinely concerned about an adverse reaction from his son and d.i.l. had he not told them about the the call, for me, that says far more about them then it does about him and the OP.

Smileless2012

The f.i.l. was asked not to tell them about them about the 'phone call. He appears to have volunteered the information. Had he been asked if his d.i.l's parents had 'phoned and he'd said no, that would have been a lie.

Even if that’s the case - it still doesn’t negate the fact that the request to not say anything was made. Why ask in the first place unless there is an awareness that there was something to hide? Regardless of how you look at it, by asking him not to say anything the FIL was being asked to lie, either by omission or otherwise. It’s therefore rational to conclude that the initial action here was known in advance to be unwelcome. Why else try and cover it up?

Triple ditto

In this case, Absolutely VS.

I find it very disconcerting how many people think it’s acceptable to call a adults other family members to check up on them when they don’t pick up the phone. I find it even worse how many seem to think secretive calls and withholding information is acceptable.

I’m sure they wouldn’t like it if their children treated them that way.

Withholding truth is still lying

The f.i.l. was asked not to tell them about them about the 'phone call. He appears to have volunteered the information. Had he been asked if his d.i.l's parents had 'phoned and he'd said no, that would have been a lie.

Summerlove

^But they weren’t asking for information that the couple didn't want to share - they rang the FIL because they were worried about their daughter having not been able to contact her for 4 days, and just asking if she was OK. It’s natural to be worried and there was no need for the FIL to say anything - especially as he had been asked not to.^

As they were not answering messages, I’d assume any information was information they didn’t want to share.

FILs loyalty is to his son. Not his sons in-laws.

Add to that the fact that FIL was asked to lie - that’s a clear indication that it was known in advance that this would not be well received by the couple. Why else ask him not to say anything? Regardless of any other issues, this surely is something to apologise for.