Pregnant and abusive daughter

I do not understand you saying that she has been distant for two years but you have been babysitting and you thought she was your soulmate.

I would think that she would have been quite angry about you phoning her father-in-law and speaking to her brother about her.

Giving her thousands of pounds is irrelevant, you cannot buy affection and I hope that you do not bring that up with her.

Whatever was said that you say are lies are different views on a situation. Saying something you regret is understandable when you are so angry.

I would write or email her, what is said cannot be disputed if written, apologise for what you see as wrong on your side, and state clearly the incidents that you say she is lying about.

I really hope you can reach a resolution.

There is clearly some tension in your relationship with your D which is going to make this anxious and stressful time harder to negotiate.

Having done so much to support them, I can understand how upsetting it will have been for false accusations to have been made going back 22 years.

Feeling "cornered" and being confronted by lies has resulted in you saying something you regret, which is unfortunate.

My advice FWIW is to apologise for what you said explaining how they'd made you feel and then take a step back to allow things to calm down.

Being told you must apologise for everything or "that will be that" is I feel unacceptable, even taking into consideration the amount of stress she's been under.

You've clearly been extremely supportive emotionally, practically and financially so perhaps giving them time to think about what's been said, and time to reflect on the amount of support they've benefited from, may enable them to see the unreasonableness of their behaviour.

You say this feels like a set up and even if that is the case, I really don't see what else you can do at this stage, but wait for her to contact you, once you've apologised for what you did say.

As you baby sit for your 6 year old GC, she may be in contact sooner rather than later.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation LongtoothedGran and do feel that my response is woefully inadequate, but really don't know what else to suggest.

What are the boundaries that your DD says you have crossed? Do you agree/acknowledge that you did in fact cross these boundaries? I’m not asking about your intentions here which were obviously love and worry, but your actions. It’s sometimes really difficult to give someone you love so much the space they need when you are concerned, but maybe that’s what should have happened here. Asking her IL’s to lie for you would feel to me like a big intrusion and I’d be furious, but that’s only my opinion. If your DD has ever emailed or text you about any of this maybe have a look back and see if you can fathom out where things started going awry - that might let you untangle some of this.
In my opinion at the very least I think you do owe them an apology for firstly contacting her IL’s - she’s an adult and you knew she was physically safe and with her partner and his family, so that was a bit overbearing. And secondly for asking them to lie for you - that means you knew what you did was wrong and wouldn’t be well received otherwise why would you want to hide your actions?

What happened 22 years ago?

What boundaries did she communicate?

What did they lie about?

Sorry this has happened to you. But what I find most odd is you call your daughter your soulmate. Sorry but she is your daughter she can not nor should she be your soulmate. She is your daughter not your best friend or your other half. But your daughter. To me calling her your soulmate is so wrong.

I know you where worried about her but calling her father in law was over stepping the mark . And then asking him not to say anything was putting him in a very awkward position.

You say she has kept her distance for 2 years. The best thing I think is to step back and wait until she contacts you. If you contact her things will only escalate and you may find yourself without your daughter and grandchildren. And not even be told when the baby is born or its name.

I do agree with the responses here, but I think it was a big over reaction because you were worried about her, anyone in a fragile mental state is worrying, but your daughter it’s worse, I don’t think I wouldn’t have rung fil, but it’s easy for an outsider, we all do silly things sometimes.. FIL shouldn’t have rung his son, why pass that on, if it were me I wouldn’t have, why do that when they are stressed? . You were concerned. She cannot be your soul mate, she’s your daughter and hopefully her husband is her soul mate. I would apologise if it were me, just do it, apologis and wait, I wouldn’t want estrangement, but take a really massive step back, it’s hard but better than the alternative. Your d is stressed enough and she will ask you if she needs you, but if she doesn’t let it go, it’s her life, lessons have been learnt, but name anyone that hasn’t put a foot in it sometimes, they don’t exist. It’s impossible to judge anyone, what’s right in one family isn’t in another. Try not to beat yourself up, you too are worried and hopefully you can sort it out.

Your daughter is clearly very anxious and stressed about her pregnancy and may be acting irrationally.
I would write a brief apology for upsetting her unintentionally; clearly there is family history but now is not the time to discuss it. Wish her well in the remaining weeks of her pregnancy, offer any help she might need in the forthcoming weeks, send your love, and leave it at that.

You will have to sit it out and wait; any attempt to build bridges may well exacerbate the situation and increase her stress.

I'm sorry things aren't going well with your daughter but now is not the time for any of this.

You acknowledge that the amount of her losses and the worrying issues that have arisen in this pregnancy have affected her mental state but then you have not allowed her space to deal with this and have contacted others behind her back.

She hasn't frozen you out, she has told you information and asked you for babysitting help for appointments, that's organic and natural, what are you pushing for that is crossing boundaries?

Daughters are not soul mates. Keep your role as mother and grandmother, that's how you are needed to be.

The money is as others have said, a non issue. Never give what you begrudge and never give expecting some sort of special treatment in return.

In your position, I'd give that apology. I'd give it to be there if I was needed and I'd give it in the hope that when your daughter is feeling better, things will be better.

What I wouldn't do is badger her in any way while she negotiates what must be an incredibly stressful pregnancy. She is not going to calm until this baby is safe in her arms and even then it may take her time to relax completely.

I hope things work out for you all

I agree Allsorts and said earlier that the OP's reaction to feeling cornered and being falsely accused of things going back 22 years, was unfortunate but understandable.

I also agree with what you've said about her D's f.i.l. Why tell his son her parents had' phoned when he'd been asked not too?

"clearly there is family history but now is not the time to discuss it" good advice from you eazybee.

Having had difficult pregnancies I am certain your DD is in an awful state and full of worry. I can tell you are in an anxious state yourself but I think you should apologise unreservedly if it will calm things down and let her be more at peace during the rest of her pregnancy. Don't go over the rights and wrongs of anything that happened so long ago and don't discuss your DD and SIL behind their backs with the FIL who doesn't know when to keep quiet.

After infertility, this pregnancy is nerve wracking and I am sure she is not enjoying it like another mother would

The threat of having a heart issue must have been devastating for her

I don't understand how you are frozen out - you are informed of the pregnancy progress, you babysit regularly...

What relationship did you wish to have with your dd?

"the FIL who doesn't know when to keep quiet" definitely something to remember in the future.

I don't agree with the father in law being at fault here. It's not right to expect secrets to be kept about family from family. This situation may seem a small example of that but if I called to ask after someone I couldn't get hold of I wouldn't be expecting that to be kept a secret and I don't understand why it has been asked in the first place.

You have to think of the bigger picture. Why would you want to cause distress. What would you want to achieve? No need to lie. Just don’t mention it. Poster has already said she wishes she hadn’t rung. If anyone rang up to speak to someone, is it wrong to ask how they are. It’s not right to say don’t mention it but it was petty of fil, he couldn’t wait to get to phone to tell his son, why? I dislike sneaky behaviour. I would want my dil to have as little stress as possible, it’s not a time for point scoring. That’s my opinion, it might not be anyone else’s, don’t meet trouble halfway. Let the people concerned sort it out they don’t need whipping up. I think fil interfered. Why can’t people just be kind, it’s not about them.

Father in law is loyal to his son, I don't understand why what he did was "sneaky" by telling the people who the call was about that it happened.

This is why things get so complicated and upsetting in families, I wouldn't say anything to anyone I wasn't happy to say direct to the person involved.

If my son’s in laws called me to ask for information my son and daughter in law had chosen not to share with them, I would be concerned the in laws were not respecting the couple’s boundaries. I would find a request that I not share the mil had called me as an obvious indicator she knew she was in the wrong doing so. I think if you have to ask for a secret to be kept, then you have an inkling you are doing something upsetting to your daughter. I would suggest reflecting on how and why you knew it would upset her, and try to do better at respecting her boundaries in the future. I’m sure this is a tough time for all of you, and I hope you can take some time to engage in self care.

IMO simply asking if your D's OK because she's not returned your calls for 4 days isn't asking for information that the D wouldn't want her mum to be privy too. Unless of course she wanted to worry her mother.

I agree Allsorts and think the f.i.l. was petty.

Spot on Smileless, you’re frightened to open your mouth with some people. Talk about complicating everything. Life really is too short careful of everything you utter in case it’s misinterpreted. If someone is going to live their life like that no could have a relationship with them. Perhaps if you left your heavily pregnant daughter who didn’t answer her phone (why) or worry about her you would be estranged for not bothering and caring enough. You really can’t do right for doing wrong. It’s a minefield.
To the original poster is this how the future will be?

Well yes Allsorts, if mum hadn't been worried that would have been wrong wouldn't it. Why not simply respond to the calls she was making. A text saying 'I'm OK' would have sufficed.

Well there is another thing I don't understand.

If daughter wanted to speak to mum she would speak to mum. This is a grown adult, not a child. If talking to mum is stressing her our during an already stressful time, just give her some space instead of calling another parent to check on her as if she is a child.

This is probably part of the issue here

Vs

Agree

If the original poster thought it was reasonable to call the FIL, then I cannot see the need for asking for secrecy. My point is she seems to have known her daughter would not appreciate it, yet did it anyway and then tried to cover her tracks. That’s not a healthy way to interact with family, in my opinion. If she had been genuinely worried just that her daughter was alive and well, she would not have been concerned that the FIL provided “no information.” Hence my inference she wanted to know more that alone. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what any of us think- it matters what her daughter thinks, presuming the OP wants to fix this. It seems clear her daughter did not appreciate it.

A text simply saying, I’m fine I’ll call when I’m able. Grown up. Takes 10 seconds, but that would be straight forward, would require an adult response not silly games. This is how it’s going to be is it? Leave it there now.

Well there's no point in thinking the OP may have wanted more information when she says she was worried about her D which is why they 'phoned.

I think it odd that the D ignored her calls for 4 days, I wouldn't have done that to my mum.