It is very unwise to label daughter as abusive. Much better to let her manage her life at this stressful time as she sees fit.
Is it possible to remove a topic from "I'm on"
Terrible relationship with DIL - am I the problem?
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Estrangement
Pregnant and abusive daughter
(235 Posts)My daughter is 7 months pregnant after 5 years of operations to correct damage caused by the hopital after several miscarriages. Then IVF followed.She is having to follow very restricted diets due to intolerances and allergies, and emotionally is not in a good place. She has kept quite distant from us for the last 2 years, somewhere along the line she has been told to avoid stress, and I have been included in that. Recently she had a 20 week scan while we were baby sitting for her 6 year old, and was told there was a problem with the baby's heart. She was in pieces, as were we. The next day she with husband and D went to stay , a hundred miles away, with his family, for a party. I know how she feels about some of the family, and was very worried about her mental state. On day 4 after no replies from her phone, I rang her FIL see if they were all ok. We often speak to them on the phone. His response was that she was just herself. No information . I knew that they had been told the news. My husband asked him not to tell her we had rung in case she was cross. He immediately phoned his son, who then told her. 2 days later a further scan showed that there was nothing wrong with the heart, but she has abused me with such vitriol, and her husband joined in, accusing me of something 22 years ago, which I had not done. All I can get out of her is that I must apologise for everything or that will be that. It's to do with boundaries. We travelled 80 miles every week for 3 years to look after the first child, and have given them thousands of pounds to support them through the pandemic, I thought she was my soulmate, and am devastated. When I was cornered on the zoom meeting by both of them, I was silent at first until the lies started. Then I let out something I regret.
It feels like a set up. What on earth can I do?
No worries Herefornow.
I never had to tell my child to treat me respectfully; she was bought up to do it as a matter of course.
It's not about good manners, and we certainly had fall outs, but I don't think excusing a grown adult from thoughtless behaviour is particularly helpful.
I was referring in the first paragraph of my last post to missadventure's post and your agreement with it, smileless. Sorry for the confusion.
i was very much thinking how awful a series of events that is to live through
Yes I agree with you on that herefornow
She treated me like an adult because i was one. This was many, many years ago now but i do remember that she didn't expect me to put my energy into her. She knew i didn't have it to give
Thank goodness you had that herefornow I'm not sure that texting to ask if she is ok is "not treating someone as an adult" though.
I do think the op has been overbearing. I actually think its entirely possible the fil came clean because he wanted the calls to stop. Op did say this isn't the first time they've called ils. We'll likely never know
No we will never know and can't really make assumptions either way.
Lets hope the family can get things sorted
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Well TBF to LongtoothedGran Herefornow she never mentioned anything about her D's manners, good or bad. I and I think a couple of others commented on it wouldn't have been too much to ask for her D to simply let her mum know she was OK, rather than ignore 'phone calls for 4 days.
I don't agree that she treats her D coldly. There's absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest this, quite the opposite. I don't see why the f.i.l. would have wanted the calls to stop, she was 'phoning her D on her D's 'phone, not her f.i.l's.
I think that sounds about right Herefornow. It isn't usually personal when people are very stressed unless we are not being the support they need, wanting support from them for what they are going through or constantly hassling for news
To be fair, i wasn't being thoughtless, i was very much thinking how awful a series of events that is to live through. My mother can be pretty thoughtless at times, but at THAT time she held my hand and let me process my pain and worry the way i needed to. She treated me like an adult because i was one. This was many, many years ago now but i do remember that she didn't expect me to put my energy into her. She knew i didn't have it to give. She didn't say 'i don't care how much you have on your plate you'll show me good manners'. It astounds me that anyone would treat their child so coldly. This isn't the sort of advice that will help op imo.
I do think the op has been overbearing. I actually think its entirely possible the fil came clean because he wanted the calls to stop. Op did say this isn't the first time they've called ils. We'll likely never know.
The joys of the English language instead of "blunt" how about curt, dull, gruff, thoughtless, forthright, brusque, pointed.
I hope the baby arrives safely and everything settles down a little. A chat about what went on 22 years ago might help.
Madgran
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Your knife analogy is a very pertinent one Smileless and makes a lot of sense.
"Blunt" is not a word I would use myself, but as it was introduced on the thread I have tried to differentiate between "honest bluntness" as opposed to "rude, just plain unkind bluntness" to draw a distinction between constructively trying to help and just being unkind. With hindsight I might have been better to move away from the word "blunt"!
Blunt is an interesting adjective Madgran. 'a blunt knife' not having a sharp edge or point, but even a blunt knife can cause damage. It simply requires more force to inflict an injury but that doesn't mean an injury cannot be inflicted.
TBH I don't think there's a difference between honest bluntness and bluntness. It is what it is and I don't think it's ever appropriate on a thread where someone is sharing an upsetting and painful experience.
On the topic of bluntness, I guess that's just who some people are
Maybe but even in that context there is honest bluntness and then there is downright rude and very unkind bluntness!! Which is a shame!
Are we twisting ourselves into knots, over thinking, analysing vocabulary to always try to put things as kindly as possible on difficult subjects fearing upset?
I know I'm not; I think honest and constructively expressed comment can still cause upset but in a constructive way that enables someone to consider their situation from different perspectives even in their upset. Which is more helpful to them!
Allsorts no the OP has not returned but I hope at least some posts on here have helped her thinking, rather than she has been driven away by some of the less constructive comments . She may not have the energy to post even if she is reading.
One persons bluntness is another persons rudeness Madgran and it's not difficult to see when it's for good or ill
True! .
No she hasn't Allsorts which I hope doesn't mean that she hasn't been helped by some of the responses given here.
Yes it is a shame when that happens love0c, especially when that often means the OP doesn't come back.
One persons bluntness is another persons rudeness Madgran and it's not difficult to see when it's for good or ill.
Madgran that was nice of you to say, I quite often agree with you too
On the topic of bluntness, I guess that's just who some people are and I'm not about to tell them they can't participate unless they put on some sort of fake front I suppose?
I think blunt people also make me feel comfortable. There is never any wriggle room, there is no possibility of double meanings or misunderstandings. It's just simple and straight to the point and that feels safe.
Everything my mum used to say seemed to have a double meaning. Especially if challenged.
Whereas you and I... Are we twisting ourselves into knots, over thinking, analysing vocabulary to always try to put things as kindly as possible on difficult subjects fearing upset? I can't really tell sometimes as with my upbringing it's ingrained to do that unless I'm seriously triggered.
I would be more worried if people spoke to me differently than they did others if that makes sense
Interestingly I don't mind "blunt" advice either Violet but I can see when how it's expressed doesn't help people who are obviously emotional and upset! I expect we have all experienced that at some point.
You don't tend to give "blunt" advice yourself Violet...you do give honest advice that may not be easy to hear but is expressed in a way that someone might be able to "hear" and that might help them! In fact I commented on that on another thread today, but I can't remember which one, where I thought your advice was helpful and constructively expressed in a way that could be used by the OP to consider options! Which is the best way to try to help people really.
Herefornow I don't mind blunt advice, you are always welcome to send some my way
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is be blunt
Which, if expressed unkindly/sarcastically etc will successfully NOT be "heard" by someone who is emotional, upset and possibly making some very poor decisions.
Being honest, asking pertinent and difficult questions, raising difficult perspectives for considerations, presenting someone with reasons why their behaviour may be inappropriate or have caused the problems they are upset about can ALL be done without being unkind.
SOME posters manage that, some do not...which is a pity!
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is be blunt. Bluntly, i hope op is off apologising to her daughter and sil so that fences can be mended and the relationship can get back on track.
I agree Smileless. it is a shame that on some support threads someone comes along with the intent of derailing it or just posts to cause an argument because that is what they want. Best just ignore them ]smile] and comment to support the original poster or others who clearly are needing it.
Well OP hasn’t been back.
You can start a thread but that doesn't necessarily mean you want to police it, and it isn't only the OP who expresses frustration when a thread appears to be being derailed.
I agree with your observation Madgran that those who really want to help don't start arguments because arguments don't help anyone do they.
IMO a post expressed unkindly or sarcastically is deliberate, there's no need to be either is there.
It's not always just the OP who is in pain, some of those responding can be in pain too
True! Which is why buttons get pressed, either deliberaty or inadvertently when posts are expressed unkindly or sarcastically. .
Have you considered that actually, it could be how it's read. There isn't any tone or inflection in type
Yes that can be true Violet, I agree. However the words used and style can also impact even when there is no tone or inflection.
I can't comment on who starts or "polices" threads as I know I would be generalising on my own anecdotal observations. I can only comment on my observations of what I read from different posters at a specific time , but as I said my observation would be that generally those posters who TRULY want to help, whether EAC or EP, tend not to be the ones starting the arguments and the arguments often start from a post being expressed with emotive language that presses buttons.
Yes I find unnecessary arguments exhausting too! ?
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