Pregnant and abusive daughter

But actually, most threads, it really isn't EAC starting arguments or policing threads and it's exhausting

Moving on

Have you considered that actually, it could be how it's read. There isn't any tone or inflection in type

Indeed Madgran it's often not what's said that causes problems but how it's said.

"sarcasm, highly emotive language, generalisations etc" don't help anyone; the OP and those contributing to the discussion. It's not always just the OP who is in pain, some of those responding can be in pain too.

Just let people try to help in their own way without constantly trying to turn these threads into an argument that doesn't help OP at all

I do agree VS that arguments on threads can be exhausting. I think that all posters, both EAC and EPs, should be allowed to just have input without being treated like they have some sort of ulterior motive or possibly hidden agenda. I think that quite often it is the manner in which views are expressed that causes problems to arise in threads -sarcasm, highly emotive language, generalisations etc which may or may not be intended to press other posters buttons!!

I have never worked out why anyone would think that such a posting manner would help an OP in pain, asking for help though. At risk of repeating myself, it is perfectly possible to give hard messages in a way that can be "heard" and thought about, to ask pertinent questions that help an OP to consider perspectives, and those who are here to genuinely try to help, tend to do that I think.

Let's hope the OP can find a way through and that some posts on this thread assist her with that

I am confused. Why are the EAC on this thread being accused of calling the OP an abusive mother? The only time abuse was mentioned was in the OP about the daughter.

Chances are, the daughter turned off her phone to get a break from things. It’s incredibly difficult to support another person through the crisis you’re going through.

It’s very possible that the daughter simply didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to offer to anyone else, including her mother. OP says they all went to pieces. Completely understandable, but her daughter may have felt she simply couldn’t deal with her mother’s emotions on top of her own.

Not everyone is good in a crisis, or handles things the way others think they should. I’m not going to judge a woman who was terrified for the life of her unborn baby for not answering calls or texts.

It's important that the EAC here are allowed to just have imput without being treated like they have some sort of ulterior motive (I have no idea why) or that they are children needing to be kept in line by estranged parents.

We are all affected by estrangement, we all have ideas about what could go wrong in relationships or how to look at issues from different perspectives. Just let people try to help in their own way without constantly trying to turn these threads into an argument that doesn't help OP at all.

It's so exhausting

A beautifully written post about such a tragic event DiamondLily.

Thank goodness that for the OP, her D and s.i.l. and both families that the baby's heart is alright and everything appears to be OK.

No doubt the stress and anxiety will be there until the safe delivery of this much loved child and GC.

A good point Madgran, the f.i.l. may well have thought about any possible ramifications had he not told them about the 'phone call. I agree that for the sake of a simple response from OP's D, this could have been avoided.

Hopefully the OP will be able to give some thought to her D's and s.i.l's perspective. Hard to do at the time if you're feeling cornered and what you believe are false allegations being made.

Egg shell walking just increases the levels of stress and anxiety not just for her but family too. As you say, it can be a very fine line between being overbearing and expressing love and concern, and not replying to 'phone messages for 4 days can simply exacerbate the problem.

No, I'm quite happy with the responses I've given, the way I've expressed them and my humanity Herefornow.

I can see both sides here, to some extent, although it's a pity Mum and daughter can't communicate better.

I don't really talk about this much, but thought I'd give a view.

20 years ago, my DD and SIL had three lovely young lads. They both wanted a girl, so went in for a 4th child. The scan showed it was a girl, so celebrations all round.

At 25 weeks, at a scan, the hospital knew something was wrong, and said my DD needed a C-Section to deliver the baby, that night.

DD and SIL asked me to go to the hospital, which I did. In the middle of the night, my DD delivered my first granddaughter. Unhappily, a lot was wrong, and my granddaughter died the following day.

What followed was horrendous, especially for my DD and SIL, the aftermath and seeing that little white coffin, at the church, and then burying her, still rips through all of us.

During the next few months, I'm sure I got a lot wrong. In fact, I know I did. I just did my best, but everyone was fraught, it's not easy, and I'm sure I could have done better. My daughter and SIL were in bits, my parents were in bits, and it was just all stress.

Nine months later, my DD told me she was pregnant again. My heart sank, but I congratulated her and on we went. DD, SIL, and I lived that pregnancy day by day. The stress and worry were just awful.

My next granddaughter was delivered a bit early, but happily, she's now a lovely, happy, healthy 18 year old.

But, the point is that all parents get it wrong sometimes, as do all ACs. Unless there is abuse, a little more understanding, from both sides, might be better.

The pain of a child bereavement is just the worse, but it can be overcome with love and support.

For what it's worth, I have a policy of not passing on info that may cause trouble, so I'm unclear about the motives of FIL. But, I guess only he knows. I don't know why the daughter couldn't have sent a quick text saying all ok, but I suppose only she knows that.

I hope OP and her daughter sort it out. And, of course, I hope that this pregnancy ends up with a happy ending.

Herefornow, a dreadful thing to say to two very kind posters.That is a very offensive thing to say, not one comment was made from either of these people. The retorts from a couple on here should not be allowed, that might be the language you use and seem normal to you but it is crossing the line.

No thanks, I don't.

MissAdventure, Smileless - you are saying that your need for respectful and pleasant interactions at all times is more important than your daughter giving birth to a baby that subsequently dies in her arms.

Do you want to take a step back and rethink that?

You must surely have more humanity than you are letting on here?

Also please stop wishing ill on people's future relationships with their own children, it is really off putting

Oh well, she, her family, and her inlaws should just carry on being subjected to her mothers overbearance for the rest of time

I don't think anyone is suggesting that. And from the information given I think "over bearance" is not a given. A possibility but cannot be automatically assumed. There is a fine line between genuine concern and worry and "overbearance" although I can see that it can be experienced like that. If it is, not replying to texts probably provokes worse problems!!

Allsorts no one is calling mum abusive, just questioning how daughter is?

Seems to be a situation that can work out with a little give and take and as daughter is not here to advise, people can only advise mum on how to achieve this.

Oh dear. Once again, this has turned into its an abusive mother, not concerned post.Everything comes back to it, what utter childish behaviour. . It is really pointless arguing with such people who assume all relationships are the mothers fault. How biased is that, leave them to it. Goodness knows what will happen when their children behave like they do in the future as they surely will judging by the unkind judgements they pass on to anyone who has a different perspective to theirs.

If he's understandably concerned about getting caught up in any friction, I don't understand why he exacerbated the situation by telling his son that his d.i.l's. parents had 'phoned to see if she's alright.

I see you point Smileless but possibly he decided that was the better option than it being found out later that he had kept quiet. A simple "I'm OK text would have stopped the problem arising so a pity that for whatever reason that wasn't sent!

The apologise for everything or that will be that is as you say a situation that seems to arise quite often, even after "baby sitting"and "money gifts" are acceptable. I also find that disingenuous. I do think though that in order for the OP to try to work out a way forward for herself and her family it is worth her thinking about the ACs possible perspectives, whether they are right in her opinion or not. Clearly she is in egg shell walking mode and it would be good if she could find a way to get out of that mode, for all the family

I agree MissA.

I wouldn't care how much someone (anyone) had on their plate.
Absolutely no excuse to treat others badly.

That's a very good example of why relationships get strained. This "after everything I've done for you" notion is a quick and easy way to overlook issues and make adult children feel unheard and disrespected as if helping family out in hard times doesn't work both ways, especially as parents eventually age

Financial and practical support from loving parents, a mother whose concerned about her D's well being because of her stressful pregnancy; some people would be thankful for such overbearance.

Oh well, she, her family, and her inlaws should just carry on being subjected to her mothers overbearance for the rest of time.

She appears to have managed allowing her mum to have a relationship with her child so far.

Because she's reached the end of her tether?