Pregnant and abusive daughter

No it wouldn't have been better, but if prioritising the relationship between her child and her mother was so important, why is she threatening to take that away unless her mother apologises for everything?

Or, alternatively, she has tried to prioritise the relationship between her mother and her child, in spite of the stress her mother causes her personally. If she had not allowed her mother to babysit would that have been better?

It is odd Madgran that the OP's D allows her to baby sit and yet says she causes her stress.

Financial and practical support has been given and accepted, and now the OP has to "apologise for everything or that will be that". This is something we often see in situations like this. Whatever the OP has supposed to have done and needs to apologise, wasn't so bad that she wasn't called upon to travel some distance to baby sit for her GC, and didn't make the financial support unpalatable. I do find this attitude rather disingenuous, but that is my opinion.

I still regard the f.i.l.'s behaviour questionable. If he's understandably concerned about getting caught up in any friction, I don't understand why he exacerbated the situation by telling his son that his d.i.l's. parents had 'phoned to see if she's alright.

Oh dear what a difficult time for everyone involved, particularly your daughter longtoothedgran

I do understand your worry about your daughter, probably exacerbated by some apparent tensions in your relationship.

I think that in focusing on your worry you have maybe not considered how your daughter may be feeling and reacting to all the tensions and health issues over several years. So you texting her probably several times in 4 days would probably just feel to her like an extra stress particularly within the context of a tense and difficult relationship as she sees it. It is hard to understand why she didn't just reply with "I'm OK!" from the information you have given;only you know what might have stopped her doing that, or what your response to her replying might have been or she might have expected, rightly or wrongly

You were allowed to look after your grandchild for 3 years and were babysitting recently so clearly your childcare is not an issue for her. She appears to see you as causing her stress. Why? And whatever happened 22 years ago from THEIR perspective, has clearly never been addressed. Were you aware of that issue prior to it being mentioned recently? If so why has it not been dealt with? Have you all discussed it, have you explained the context of saying you didnt do it? Why do they think you did?

You have given them a lot of money which I assume they were happy to accept. Do THEY consider that to be "reparation" for "what you have done", for "overstepping boundaries"? Rightly or wrongly, that may be their view, and if you want to move forward on this situation you might need to consider that as a possibility. It would give you insight into THEIR perspective on the money, whatever your own perspective is

The one clear piece of information you have is that it is "to do with boundaries". I think you need to think very honestly about why THEY feel like that, what is it that you have done which from THEIR perspective has caused boundary problems. You may not agree, you may feel it is unreasonable but at least you will have a clear picture of what might have to change IF you wish to continue a relationship.

With regard to FIL speaking to his son, from his perspective at such a fraught time he might be unwilling to get caught up in the dynamics of others' difficult relationships and would wish to be open with his own AC, partly to avoid any risk of the same problems then arising in HIS relationship with the couple! They are clearly and understandably stressed so his fear could be valid . There could be a real risk of that when emotions are so high. Another perspective to consider.

I hope that over time you can sort things out. For the moment could you send a letter to say you understand how difficult this time is for them; that you are here if they need anything; that you love them all and are thinking of them; that when the time is right you would like to talk more deeply; that you have heard what they have said about boundaries.

You may or may not get a response but I think if you do you need to try to step back from "big discussions", just listen and acknowledge and say you dont want to cause more stress at the moment

Good luck

I really don't think the lack of a text message is the issue here and focusing on that won't help OP

Sorry, but you do understand that your daughter, who you say you adore, has had years upon years of misery and pain trying to have this child that's she's carrying in her belly, only to be told it might be seriously unwell - and you're making the situation all about you? Her brain has probably been full of all the horrors of what that could mean for her and her husband and older child. What will she give birth to... Will they get to meet her... How long will she last...

But of course, she should make sure you're ok, otherwise you'll start ringing round the houses embarrasing her in front of her in laws. Wow.

No of course not but it would have been simple enough to send a message saying she was OK.

Abusive

An adult does not have to provide any info he/she doesn't want to another adult

A parent/AC relationship follows the same rule

This daughter has enough on her plate, she doesn't need her mother's anxiety on her

I am still waiting how this dd is abusuvr6

Well there's no point in thinking the OP may have wanted more information when she says she was worried about her D which is why they 'phoned.

I think it odd that the D ignored her calls for 4 days, I wouldn't have done that to my mum.

A text simply saying, I’m fine I’ll call when I’m able. Grown up. Takes 10 seconds, but that would be straight forward, would require an adult response not silly games. This is how it’s going to be is it? Leave it there now.

If the original poster thought it was reasonable to call the FIL, then I cannot see the need for asking for secrecy. My point is she seems to have known her daughter would not appreciate it, yet did it anyway and then tried to cover her tracks. That’s not a healthy way to interact with family, in my opinion. If she had been genuinely worried just that her daughter was alive and well, she would not have been concerned that the FIL provided “no information.” Hence my inference she wanted to know more that alone. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what any of us think- it matters what her daughter thinks, presuming the OP wants to fix this. It seems clear her daughter did not appreciate it.

Vs

Agree

Well there is another thing I don't understand.

If daughter wanted to speak to mum she would speak to mum. This is a grown adult, not a child. If talking to mum is stressing her our during an already stressful time, just give her some space instead of calling another parent to check on her as if she is a child.

This is probably part of the issue here

Well yes Allsorts, if mum hadn't been worried that would have been wrong wouldn't it. Why not simply respond to the calls she was making. A text saying 'I'm OK' would have sufficed.

Spot on Smileless, you’re frightened to open your mouth with some people. Talk about complicating everything. Life really is too short careful of everything you utter in case it’s misinterpreted. If someone is going to live their life like that no could have a relationship with them. Perhaps if you left your heavily pregnant daughter who didn’t answer her phone (why) or worry about her you would be estranged for not bothering and caring enough. You really can’t do right for doing wrong. It’s a minefield.
To the original poster is this how the future will be?

IMO simply asking if your D's OK because she's not returned your calls for 4 days isn't asking for information that the D wouldn't want her mum to be privy too. Unless of course she wanted to worry her mother.

I agree Allsorts and think the f.i.l. was petty.

If my son’s in laws called me to ask for information my son and daughter in law had chosen not to share with them, I would be concerned the in laws were not respecting the couple’s boundaries. I would find a request that I not share the mil had called me as an obvious indicator she knew she was in the wrong doing so. I think if you have to ask for a secret to be kept, then you have an inkling you are doing something upsetting to your daughter. I would suggest reflecting on how and why you knew it would upset her, and try to do better at respecting her boundaries in the future. I’m sure this is a tough time for all of you, and I hope you can take some time to engage in self care.

Father in law is loyal to his son, I don't understand why what he did was "sneaky" by telling the people who the call was about that it happened.

This is why things get so complicated and upsetting in families, I wouldn't say anything to anyone I wasn't happy to say direct to the person involved.

You have to think of the bigger picture. Why would you want to cause distress. What would you want to achieve? No need to lie. Just don’t mention it. Poster has already said she wishes she hadn’t rung. If anyone rang up to speak to someone, is it wrong to ask how they are. It’s not right to say don’t mention it but it was petty of fil, he couldn’t wait to get to phone to tell his son, why? I dislike sneaky behaviour. I would want my dil to have as little stress as possible, it’s not a time for point scoring. That’s my opinion, it might not be anyone else’s, don’t meet trouble halfway. Let the people concerned sort it out they don’t need whipping up. I think fil interfered. Why can’t people just be kind, it’s not about them.

I don't agree with the father in law being at fault here. It's not right to expect secrets to be kept about family from family. This situation may seem a small example of that but if I called to ask after someone I couldn't get hold of I wouldn't be expecting that to be kept a secret and I don't understand why it has been asked in the first place.

"the FIL who doesn't know when to keep quiet" definitely something to remember in the future.

After infertility, this pregnancy is nerve wracking and I am sure she is not enjoying it like another mother would

The threat of having a heart issue must have been devastating for her

I don't understand how you are frozen out - you are informed of the pregnancy progress, you babysit regularly...

What relationship did you wish to have with your dd?

Having had difficult pregnancies I am certain your DD is in an awful state and full of worry. I can tell you are in an anxious state yourself but I think you should apologise unreservedly if it will calm things down and let her be more at peace during the rest of her pregnancy. Don't go over the rights and wrongs of anything that happened so long ago and don't discuss your DD and SIL behind their backs with the FIL who doesn't know when to keep quiet.

I agree Allsorts and said earlier that the OP's reaction to feeling cornered and being falsely accused of things going back 22 years, was unfortunate but understandable.

I also agree with what you've said about her D's f.i.l. Why tell his son her parents had' phoned when he'd been asked not too?

"clearly there is family history but now is not the time to discuss it" good advice from you eazybee.