Looking for the right answer to criticisms.

Hello Welbeck. The last message was response to Herefornow. But I read yours and this part...."with unreasonable people it is best to never outright contradict them, regardless of the situation."

Bingo. You are right. My only fear is that it would make me appear guilty of all sorts of behaviors and intents that are not true. But I will pick my battles from now on and I think doing what you said will be the best course. I hope it works. We had another issue recently and I'm scared. I love my grandson so much I couldn't stand not to see him. He is only 4 and he treats me better than anyone else in my family. It's a sad but true statement.

I really appreciate your thoughtful and helpful view. I really think you are right about her squishing her feelings down. Her son is at an age of the usual manic stuff boys do but later outgrow. I noticed myself, he acts out....cries easily, gets angry and mean sometimes to his little sister. His behavior, even at 2 1/2 when the split happened, changed quite a bit. I think he is just one of those kids who feel effects of life more. He has been getting better lately.

So somehow I have to find the line between explanation and excuse; have to say sorry when wrong (that's not hard) but the hard part is figuring out how to deal with when she's just pissed. I wonder if a gentle reminder when she yells at please lets discuss not in front of the kids would just piss her off more? I have been reading about narcissists and am suspicious my husband is one, along with my daughter.

My husband has "rules" and character judgements, but he himself doesn't always follow them. He criticizes me when I don't. When I catch him in hypocrisy, he gets completely furious and I have read that narcissists hate being caught in hypocrisy or being called out; they do not handle criticism well. So if I do anything close to saying it's just her anger, I imagine I will never see the grands again.

Narcissists think they are perfect and also have a cold spot in their heart, just for anyone who exposes their imperfections.

My daughter has boasted many times how she is perfect at parenting, better than I was. She actually many times talked about my poor choice of a husband, her father (he's a difficult person) and it didn't even at that moment occur to her on her choice of husband, which arguably was much worse (my husband for all his faults didn't dump me). I simply answered, well what can I say, you think a person is one way at the beginning then you find out later they are not...... like you found that out too.

It's funny, in that moment I think she had no excuse to be angry....what I said was so true and said in an honest, direct way. No emotion, no I got you, just honest. For a brief moment, I was, in a roundabout way, able to make her see her hypocrisy in criticizing me when she did exactly no better than I.

It was a great moment and I never heard a word about my husband, again from her.

If only I could replicate such things, maybe there would be peace. Luckily I have written her a message about the latest anger she had at me and I thought it was very good at explaining, trying to reach out.

I asked my husbands opinion and he said it read like it was "all about me" yet told me nothing of how he came to that conclusion. I think narcissist's don't like anything not to be about them so they constantly accuse others of being selfish.

But I'm in luck. Now I can read it word for word to the therapist, since I will have another session this week. Perhaps she can enlighten me on why such a heartfelt note to my daughter reads like I am making it all about me, according to my husband and now I fear my daughter too. So if the therapist finds nothing wrong, I have that. If she does, then I can correct that language/tendency and maybe be better at communicating.

My daughter tends to not answer some messages, so I'm hoping I have washed this last incident that happened. I said something she didn't like and that set her off again.

I will know soon. I live in constant fear of losing access to my grandkids. Things go great for awhile then I do something she doesn't like and bammm I'm trying to fix it again.

One thing for sure. I have to learn to stop expressing anything around her and be careful what I say to grandkids too. Anything sets her off. It's a terrible way to live but my grandkids are worth it, especially my grandson who always tries to defend me. But a 4 year old cannot override his mom. Maybe later when he's older things will change.

All I know is my feelings for my daughter have been dampened. I still love her dearly but I really don't like her and don't see myself ever wanting to spend time with her if she remains like this.

I loved your sentiment at the end, I hope you are right but if that expression never comes from her I don't see myself being around her much and still putting up with abuse. I won't do that. Thank you again I will take your suggestions to heart.

don't try to justify yourself with her.
she sounds mentally disordered. she could probably do with some therapy but will not seek it.
it must be very difficult for you.
just try to lower the emotional temperature as far as possible.
with unreasonable people it is best to never outright contradict them, regardless of the situation.
are you able to take the child out, for a walk round the block, to give her some space, and you some peace and calm.
good luck.

This is a horrible situation. Your daughter sounds very unhappy and like she doesn't have many coping skills to deal with that. Not an excuse for shouting at you in front of the grandkids obv.

Its hard to know what to suggest...

Reasons will generally come off as excuses. If there is something you should apologise for, then hold your hands up to it and simply say, `that was wrong, i shouldn't have done it, I'm sorry`. If it's something you shouldn't apologise for, then state clearly, `i know you're angry but stop misdirecting that anger at me, i want to help you but you're not treating me fairly here.' leave the reasons until things are much calmer and make it a two way discussion about how you got to where you did, sums of what was going through your head, and some aknowledgement of how it might have come across - not excuses mind!

It sounds tbh like she's projecting her fears about herself onto you. Perhaps she hates her job and wishes she could be parenting instead, so finds it especially frustrating when you don't handle a situation as she thinks she would. Ive done this in the past with my partner where I've had rose tinted glasses about how i would have handled a situation (whereas in reality i wouldn't have done any better).

When i was younger I had really poor coping skills for negative emotions like anger. I simply wasn't taught these things the way kids are today. I was taught be seen and not heard, everything's fine, what problems could you possibly have etc etc. So, whenever i would feel angry or upset i grew to be ashamed of those emotions. I knew i should be able to squash them down, but rarely could, and they would just sort of burst out of me eventually. Totally misdirected usually. My dad was the same, looking back. Maybe your daughter also has trouble feeling confident about her emotions, so she's squishing them down (until they explode) rather then letting them out constructively? In this case, it might be helpful to say things like 'i understand why you feel that way', and avoid saying (invalidating) things like 'that thing you're worried about won't happen' etc. Not saying you do, just that it's an easy faux pas to make.

I hope that your daughter finds some happiness and, once the haze has cleared, she is able to find a way to show you what you mean to her.