Admitting my failure as a Mum

We go for months at a time with no problems, she is a funny, very amusing girl, but we are always on tenterhooks waiting for the next big drama.
We are in the midst of one now, some perceived slight and we are all being accused of allsorts.
I feel really sorry for her, I hate that she’s sad, and I hate that her brother and sister are getting fed up with it all, even one of my granddaughters asked me the other day, what on earth is going on with Auntie D.
I feel she is gradually pushing people away.

Don't be too hard on yourself. None of us are perfect mums.
We can only do our best, and hopefully learn from our mistakes.
Your daughter sounds a bit selfish, - if you don't mind me saying so. Look after yourself and just live your own life.
I hope that she will come round eventually, and also your grandchildren might feel the need to have a closer relationship with you one day.

Whatever the origins, your Eldest daughter has always had a different personality to yourself. She's forthright and loves attention yet has used that in ways that are intimidating and entitled. To bully and emotionally blackmail her mother really are not traits to admire or even want to be around.

If you are more passive and showing you care, that you are over-helpful is no slur on you. The fact she shows no appreciation is up to her and her conscience [sorely lacking] and due to her lack of emotional intelligence.

Don't take responsibility for her chosen behaviours. Your other daughter sounds a well rounded person and will not act in the same ways, a completely different personality.

I would cultivate a distance from anyone who mistreated me, to save stress and pressure and their selfish, self entitled attitudes. Life is too short to spend it with people who make us feel bad about ourselves when they have done their best to love and care, to have it shoved back at us. Your daughter has shown you a complete lack of respect.

My mother had a very different personality and different attitudes to life than me. We were so different and clashed at various times but managed to keep a relationship at all times. I was [and still am] far more like my grandmother who was often puzzled by my mother too. But I loved my mum though I never got much affection back, but I understood why. However she did bring me up to be polite and moral and to treat people decently so I also had a lot of respect for her.

I have concluded that " abandonment issues" is therapy speak for not being available for unlimited free childcare, financial bailouts and tackling their problems for them. Probably comes under the heading " emotional abuse" these days.
This is the same daughter whom I last saw at a meal to celebrate the publication of her first book. A book with the dedication " Without the constant love and support of my parents, this book could not have been written"
How it went from that to being told I would not be sent any mothers day card or gift as I was not worthy of the title, I genuinely have no clue.
I know I have to step away but it's easier said than done sometimes, especially when it starts to effect other children and family members. My youngest daughter has been told off now for daring to post a photo of us on a day out with them , with an accusation of "taking our side" She sent a reply along the lines of "what sides are you talking about?" She didn't get a reply.

I feel very sad that you are in this position because it is hard not to believe that you did something wrong. The reality is, you could have done everything differently and ended up with a similar problem. Did you do everything because you thought it was the best thing to do or you wanted the best for your daughters? I expect so, so try not to beat yourself up too much.

Of course, we should examine our behaviours where relationships are breaking down and it may be a good idea to talk to an independent, third party who is professional enough to be able to listen to the way you frame things and gently advise you of any way you might do things differently in the future. Many of us have the ability to be self righteous when we are challenged and we don't always see what we bring to the table.

Some people's behaviour is appalling if they are challenged and it is natural to be nervous of upsetting them. I suspect that challenging her earlier would have just led to estrangement earlier.

I think our children do not realise that "parenting" techniques were just not available to us when we were younger. They have a wealth of information at their finger tips, we didn't. They never seem to put their parent's behaviour in context with the era that their parents were living in which is so vastly different from today's gentler parenting. There is also a very intolerant approach to parents from earlier generation. There is far more, "it's my way or the highway." It is just terribly sad.

I think back over the years to when my 5 were little, and I think that by today`s standards I was a terrible parent. I didn`t mollycoddle them, and smacked them when they misbehaved, but they all treat me so well now, say I was a good mum, so I must have been right SOME of the time.

Hellogirl
But you no doubt treated them all the same, so would it be your fault if one of them resented their upbringing, that only one objected to being smacked?
That’s what’s so hard to fathom.

Ah the wisdom that comes with age! Looking back now I can see that I over indulged all three of my daughters as I wanted them to have the childhood that I didn't. I never spent a penny on myself, never went out, gave them all they wanted, spent my whole life making theirs.
I have to admit that as a parenting mistake and own it and I do, but I can't change the past.

Great post GagaJo there is only so much criticism and complaint you can take, even from your own AC before the need to shut down.

Good point Sara and as you say "so hard to fathom" so much so that I don't think many of us will ever find the answers we seek.

I think, sometimes, todays ACs were over indulged, financially and emotionally, by all of us, and some have ended up with an overweening sense of entitlement.

They think the world (and their parents), owes them a living and a right to happiness.

They are happy bunnies while the money, babysitting etc is rolling along, but if anything disrupts that, then suddenly they are "victims of rotten parents and a rotten upbringing".

Then, it's all tantrums and refusing to talk...?

As the Queen said: "recollections may vary". ?

Not all, of course, some have genuine reasons for feeling miffed at their parents.

I definitely think this generation of young parents are entitled. Their expectation of what their parents should provide is at times unequalled by previous generations. I didn't expect anything from my mother once I was an adult, I suspect most of us didn't.

GagaJo

I definitely think this generation of young parents are entitled. Their expectation of what their parents should provide is at times unequalled by previous generations. I didn't expect anything from my mother once I was an adult, I suspect most of us didn't.

I think we gave the younger generations a voice which they hadn't had before. I suspect the next generation will have to find the balance of having a voice not seeming to be entitled.

I'd agree that some of this generation of young parents are entitled Gagajo, based purely on those that I know personally. But I agree that I didn't expect anything from my mother either; and she lived up to my expectations.

Would your daughter agree to joint counselling?

At the moment you are both at really opposite ends of resolution for this...

Perhaps a trained professional can help you back towards each other

GagaJo

I definitely think this generation of young parents are entitled. Their expectation of what their parents should provide is at times unequalled by previous generations. I didn't expect anything from my mother once I was an adult, I suspect most of us didn't.

No, I didn't expect much, so wasn't too disappointed. She was good how I wanted her to be with the kids, but I never expected money or unlimited childcare from her.

But, I don't think our generation did have all these expectations. As adults, we found our own way, financially, and every other way.. We had to grow up.

I don't think my children have any of the entitlement or expectations mentioned...

Where are younger generations learning this?

I confess we probably spoiled ours, I wanted them to have a childhood I never had.
But that’s why I can’t understand such resentment from one child, she was such a happy little girl, I never in a million years would have foreseen her attitude towards us.
Certainly we made mistakes, but my husband in particular was always a complete pushover.
She can be so lovely, we do lots of stuff together, and she always makes me laugh, but she can turn in an instant, something sets her off and we’re walking on eggshells for weeks.

Sara1954

I confess we probably spoiled ours, I wanted them to have a childhood I never had.
But that’s why I can’t understand such resentment from one child, she was such a happy little girl, I never in a million years would have foreseen her attitude towards us.
Certainly we made mistakes, but my husband in particular was always a complete pushover.
She can be so lovely, we do lots of stuff together, and she always makes me laugh, but she can turn in an instant, something sets her off and we’re walking on eggshells for weeks.

Have you been able to identify what triggers her?

Have you talked about it?

Wouldn't it be better to avoid a few topics rather than tiptoeing about?

Violetsky
Talking about it?
Talking about what?
It’s anything and everything, it’s misplaced jealousy, it’s thinking we’re all discussing things behind her back, we’re not, not anything that involves her anyway.
It’s whatever she decides it is at the time, no consistency, no thinking before she jumps in and starts throwing accusations.
What makes it sad is that generally we all get on really well, we do loads of stuff together, the children are all really close, she’s the life and soul of any party, and we all love her.
I don’t want to spoil the good times by delving too deeply into the bad times.
I think if we opened a can of worms, it might be too much for us all to recover from.

Oopsadaisy1

I don’t think you were a people pleaser, you are a Mum and you did/do what Mums do, you help when needed without expecting thanks.

Sadly your daughter didn’t behave the way we want our daughters to behave.

Well said Oopsadaisy, that is exactly how I see it. .Normandygirl please don’t see yourself as a failure because you sound a very special mother and grandmother to me.

Sara1954

Violetsky
Talking about it?
Talking about what?
It’s anything and everything, it’s misplaced jealousy, it’s thinking we’re all discussing things behind her back, we’re not, not anything that involves her anyway.
It’s whatever she decides it is at the time, no consistency, no thinking before she jumps in and starts throwing accusations.
What makes it sad is that generally we all get on really well, we do loads of stuff together, the children are all really close, she’s the life and soul of any party, and we all love her.
I don’t want to spoil the good times by delving too deeply into the bad times.
I think if we opened a can of worms, it might be too much for us all to recover from.

Maybe read up on ADHD for girls and see if there is any correlation. You might be surprised.
My daughter has Border Personality Disorder but reading the ADHD stuff about girls for my grandaughter, I can't help but think there are so many things that make me want to tick the boxes for her.
There is normally a reason that an adult child acts like your daughter even if it is difficult to see. I have found it so much easier to keep my cool knowing what I know now since her diagnosis. She hasn't changed a lot but my understanding has.

Thanks Violetsky, hadn’t given that a thought!

I have also considered menopause, but hesitate to mention that!

icanhandthemback that is good advice re reading up on ADHD in girls. I thought the same thing

Sorry, Icanhandthemback, misread there, Thankyou for the advice