Admitting my failure as a Mum

Estrangement is always hard and often complex.

It sounds as though you did your best - as we all do. We can do no more. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Please do not waste the time that you have left in this world beating yourself up about what you may or may not have done "wrong." You did your best.

I don’t think you were a people pleaser, you are a Mum and you did/do what Mums do, you help when needed without expecting thanks.

Sadly your daughter didn’t behave the way we want our daughters to behave.

Sadly with some ACs our relationship with them and theirs with us can often depend on how useful we are to them. Not necessarily how useful we have once been.

I tried to be a good Mum I was on my own and would have done everything I could to give them a good childhood but
I m sure I made as many mistakes as you or anyone else it’s blooming hard to get it right and very easy to see what you could have done better in hindsight
Don’t beat yourself up it’s definitely not cowardice to try and keep everyone as peaceful and happy as possible
Just get on with your life Things might change when the grandkids get older do you ever see them ?

Know one tells us how to be parents we learn by ourselves we try to be as good or better than our own parents.
Your daughter had a strong personality from young probably different from yours. As we are all individual it’s no surprise our children differ from us it’s human nature. Your daughter has grown up with other influences beside yours. You are not responsible for how she has turned out as a grown woman.
It seems to me that your daughter is rather manipulative and has took advantage of your generosity in a lot of ways. You are not a coward you are a mum who did what you did out of love.

You are not responsible for how she has turned out as a grown woman

This x 100. She's used you.

I think it would be a good idea for you to seek some counselling to help you cope with all the feelings that arise due to estrangement.

This will help you understand your situation with a person who is able to be completely objective and either look for way for you to become more resilient and establish a mutually respectful relationship with your daughter or ways for you to move on and find strength and happiness in your own life again.

Wishing you all the best

BlueBelle

I tried to be a good Mum I was on my own and would have done everything I could to give them a good childhood but
I m sure I made as many mistakes as you or anyone else it’s blooming hard to get it right and very easy to see what you could have done better in hindsight
Don’t beat yourself up it’s definitely not cowardice to try and keep everyone as peaceful and happy as possible
Just get on with your life Things might change when the grandkids get older do you ever see them ?

The GC are all grown up and off at Uni or working. We did have them over here regularly with their friends until Covid hit. The younger 4 [ son to be 5 } are all here in France. Had a lovely Easter egg hunt with them on Sunday.
The problem is I now find myself wondering if I am going the same route with my youngest daughter by always helping out with school pickup's babysitting etc. I don't think that is the case atm as she always says thanks Mum and has recently treated her father and I to a luxury hotel break to thank us for all we do. We never do anything expecting thanks or praise, that's what mums do, but at the same time it is so hurtful when you are treated as if none of it counted for anything either.

I don’t think your situation now is necessarily due to your lax parenting. You could have been the complete opposite, and still had an entitled daughter. Also, did you bring her up alone?

She is now old enough, and has mixed in the world enough, I would have thought, to realise her treatment of you is bullish and uncaring.

It sounds like a bit of space from each other is a good thing. She can look after herself for once.

You take care of yourself.

There's nothing you have said that says to me you are in anyway responsible for your D's estrangement of you Normandygirl. Your D saw someone who loved her unconditionally as parents do, and took advantage of you. I doubt you're the first and are unlikely to be the last to be treated this way by her.

She said things in front of her children to make it extremely difficult for you to go against what she wanted. She is selfish, manipulative, a bully and uncaring which is not your fault.

As for your other D, I can understand why you're worried. A year after our youngest son estranged us (9.5 years ago) we went to visit our other son in Aus. Our ES's wife was jealous of my relationship with him; had even told me so herself.

I have the same relationship with our son in Aus. and was worried about being, well just me TBH. Would his wife of 18 months be jealous and resentful of our relationship? Would we end up estranged from him too?

I'd been thinking of behaving differently, not being as demonstrative and loving, not using the silly pet names I have for him when she was around, just in case the same resentment that had grown out of control in our ES's wife, grew in her.

Any thoughts of behaving differently disappeared the moment we saw him at the airport and for those 3 weeks I was simply myself.

It does sound as if your other D is completely different to her sister and appreciates what you do rather than simply expects it which is how it should be, so please try not to worry.

Enjoy the happy and healthy relationship you have and always remember that just like everyone who has been, is and will be a parent in the future, you did your best and that's all any of us can ever do.

one thing i would suggest re babysitting.
instead of immediately saying yes of course darling you know we'll always do it anytime.
say, i'll have to check my diary, i'll let you know by the weekend.
even if you know you have nothing on, and intend to do it.
just get into the habit of being a little bit reserved in speech.
good luck.

Why is it that we still shoulder the blame for our adult children's bad behaviour.
What we did or didn't do during their childhood ( excluding abusive situations) is not the entire reason for what they do now. Adults should take responsibility for their actions and we should not keep heaping the blame on our own shoulders.
It's not your own fault Normandygirl your daughter needs to take responsibility for herself.

I have to let it go.,people are bad parents and are loved, Others love them , protect and give them a good life and are discarded. .

It really sounds very hard and sad! I just don’t see what else you could have done that would have changed things. I mean: you could have put down good boundaries earlier and protected yourself from being exploited but I’m not sure you could have prevented her from being the kind of person who exploits—or do you think you could have changed her later behavior by something done when she was younger? Can we ever know what the turning point was?

Don’t beat yourself up because of her failure as a daughter. The other one is different enjoy that relationship. I played my d game for many years, so regret not once telling her how incredibly selfish she was and without any empathy, you couldn't ever disagree with what she wanted. You did the best you could as a mother has she done her best as a daughter?

Spot on. I also think it's more common than we realise. Once the babysitting days are over that's their end severed. Mine doesnt need me to bail him out any more. So I'm of no use.

You sound like a good mum to me. Your D has taken advantage of you but that is more about her than you.
Most of us will do all we can to help our children and sadly some ACs will walk away without a backward glance.
Just know you did your best for her and don't feel it is all your own fault. It isn't.

I always think children are born selfish and we feed into it.
I love mine dearly and still do anything I can for them however I am totally aware of what it is. They all live in reasonably close proximity and I’m grateful for the visits I get and take all I can. But I/ we certainly get called upon for plenty of favours, not sure we get to many in return. Just happy they still want to nearby.

Omg, this is exactly the same as what happened to me.
I brought my two daughters up on my own for seven years until I remarried when girls were 15 and 18. Relationship started to change with youngest (now 31) at that time. Relationship with eldest (now 34) was always good but then things started to change with her when she was in her early 20s. Moving on to nine years ago, marriage broke down and I moved on my own to Australia. Like you, I was led to believe I was a bad mother, though no direct reason given. I have paid for them to come visit me with their partners, gone back to NZ to try and talk everything out with them. In January I loaned $20k to eldest daughter to. Secure a house purchase and gave them both $10k each from my mother's inheritance. Now both have one child each and have to really push for any photos or information on the children. I recently went back to visit and although both daughters allowed me to stay with them, I felt excluded from the family. My eldest daughter treated me appallingly, swearing at me the second night, telling me what I could and couldn't do it say. I cried on the plane on the way home and hit rock bottom when I returned home. My youngest daughter has now refused to let me Skype her little three year old son, saying I don't try. I am 60 next year and did not envisage feeling so unwanted by the only family I have. It is having an impact on my new marriage and my work and mental health. For my own sanity I have finally decided to walk away for now as I seem to be damned if I do or don't. It was such a difficult decision to make but I wish I had done it earlier instead of allowing them both to manipulate me and treat me like no mother should be treated. I am starting to feel more at peace without constant headaches. I personally think the eldest one has been partially behind all this all these years by turning the youngest against me, I don't know but I do know I am sick of trying to work out why they treat me like this. I have been to numerous counselling sessions to try and work it all out but at the end of the day they are the only ones who know why they feel the way they do. So many parents going through this and seems to be a high percentage of mothers who have raised their children alone. Please know that you are not alone.x

Sometimes it's easier to stand back and let adult children get on with it.

Some of them refuse to take responsibility for their own behaviour, as it's much easier for them to cop out, and blame their parents/upbringing.

Well, they are adults, so they need to actually take some responsibility.

Best wishes.?

Nonni I'm so sorry that you've been through this. Walking away from one's own child is a heartbreaking decision to have to make and I'm glad you found the courage to put yourself first.

As DiamondLily has posted they're adults and as such must take some responsibility for their own actions. You did your best and that's all any of us can do.

Make the most of your life by focusing on those you love who love you in return.

I have three sons two who keep in touch regularly. Middle son less. No texts no phone calls we have to go there as we are today. He doesn’t keep in touch with his brothers and calls us only if he wants something. No rows but his wife has caused some unpleasantness in the family but we tried to get past that. Two lovely grandchildren that we have to go to see doesn’t bring them. I beat myself up about it but no more it is what it is and it won’t get any better he lives his life and we live ours. I can see him getting bitter as years progress as the two brothers keep in constant contact and I can see him becoming estranged.

I agree with DiamondLily, a point must come when you need to take a step back.
I’m estranged from my mother, and have done everything I can not to repeat her mistakes, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t.
But I have three children, all raise pretty much the same, financially a lot more secure by baby three, but basically the same.
Yet their attitudes to their childhood and upbringing are completely different, two children will always say they had a great childhood, one will have nothing but a series of complaints
I love her to bits, but am at the point of not wanting to face any more of her unreasonable rants.
So you are not alone, and you are not to blame, just take a step back.

It's a shame. I have come to think that even if we ARE / WERE awful parents, that the constant complaints and criticism acheive the opposite of what the AC want. If they really were that unhappy as children, complaining to parents must mean that they want some restitution or resolution. But a barrage of criticism with no way through forces the parent to shut down and shut off from the AC. There is only so much that can be taken.