Estranged hut sending cards

An estrangement is a two way Street. It's not all about the "estranger".

If the estranger wants no contact, they can make that clear. If they haven't then the other party needs to do what makes them feel better.

Some contact leaves the door open, no contact shuts it forever.

Yes, isn't it?

MissA
No wonder some cases of bad relationships are never mended.

I would assume the other party is able to communicate if something I did causes them upset or anger.
People have posted here that they've been told in no uncertain terms that communication was unwelcome.

Miss A

If you believe the other side is not affected by your actions- nothing I can write will convince you otherwise

You have a person on the other side of the action, not a rock without feelings

Unless you understand that and how your actions affect other people, the cycle of dysfunction will not end

What ripples do you mean?
Open card, have a look, in the bin.
Quite simple, no drama, no ripples as far as I can see.

And creating more ripples?
Sometimes it is not worth it

If it was bad, I'm sure they would say.
Since they havent, as I said, a glimmer of hope is ok, if that is all that's on offer.

"They have the choice to either read the cards or bin the cards. It costs them nothing."
Very wrong - every action had a reaction

What anybody does has a ripple effect anywhere else

If someone isn't communicating that they most definitely do not want any communication, then I see no problem in holding on to a glimmer of hope.

If you haven't been requested to stop with the cards, I would do what is best for you.

They have the choice to either read the cards or bin the cards. It costs them nothing.

But Sleeping hasn't been asked to stop sending cards Hithere has she and as you haven't said otherwise, I assume it was her's your posts were responding too.

I have seen EAC accuse the parents they've estranged as not being interested when they don't send cards so it cuts both ways. EP's are just as entitled to do what they feel they need to do for themselves, as are the AC who've estranged them.

EPs also use their own experiences when posting - as human beings, we all do.

We have EPs posting that they continue to send cards even after being asked to stop, because it is what the EP decides
Posters tell her to do what's best for her, despite being told no.
So what's is it? Disrespecting EAC's clear wishes are ok just because EP decide they do not agree?

You have a person continuously asking to see you, asking you out, saying hello, saying they are thinking of you.... in this case, it would be considered harassment as you do not reply and you are not interested.
Why would it be different in EP/EAC's case?

If your posts today @ 01.53 and 12.47 are in response to Sleeping's post yesterday, I don't understand why you've responded the way you have Hithere.

Sleeping has not been told that the cards she sends are unwelcome; "He hasn't asked me to stop so I just continue". You appear to be responding based on your personal experience of receiving unwanted communication from your own EP's.

I agree that if an EAC tells their EP's they don't want to be contacted in any way shape or form, their wishes should be respected. However, that is not the only response some EP's receive. Sometimes there is no response at all and TBH if an AC feels strongly enough to estrange their parents in the first place, I find it difficult to comprehend that they would be unable to tell the parents they've estranged, to desist from sending cards.

In Sleeping's situation and for any EP who sends cards and has not been asked not too, I don't agree that it is harassment or even that it is unwanted. If it were, they would be told.

As EP's often say Bridie, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't which is why I believe that in the end, we should do what is right for us and put ourselves first in the decision making process.

Bridie

That is exactly the danger I mention - EP are in denial of the situation and trying something over and over again hoping it to work next time

This is like wanting to be with the boy or girl of your dreams
If that person wants to be with you, he/she would make it happen

Harassing a person with unwanted communication is not going to make the EP's agenda happen, you are only hurting yourselves, it is a self destructive choice.

But what if the communication does pay off? How can we ever hope to reconnect with our estranged ones if we don't communicate?
Its always 50/50 hope.

What is the true payoff of sending communication that is clearly not welcome on the other end?

If you do it expecting nothing in return and assuming the consequences of your actions (getting your AC more mad, for example), go ahead.

Raising your hopes up, waiting for a reply, a visit from the gc in the future.. is honestly continuing your torture of estrangement and boycotting your own happiness

Sleeping ? I know your pain I’m afraid. If you stopped would it make you feel worse? If you feel better for doing it continue, put yourself first.

Sleeping 16 years is a long time. After my son sent me an awful email and he ended by saying I don't like you mom but I love give me some time this was May 2020. It was his birthday and second son's the same day in August plus I knew they where expecting their third son in July. So sent cards ,presents and letter. The day after their birthday I received everything back all unopened and the babies presents looked like someone had crushed them plus a vile letter stating zero contact. So I haven't sent them birthday or Christmas cards or presents since.
Until recently when I had to send him a letter about a health matter. But sent him a text telling him it was coming and to not to sent it back unopened and to read it. Then I had a week from hell expecting everyday for it to come. Thankfully he must have seen sense and read it.

I will never need to contact him again and never expect to see him or my 3 grandson's ever again.

I had to decide that I would not let him hurt me anymore than he has. It's a decision all estranged parents have to make. How much they are willing to let their children hurt them. I did nothing to deserve to be treated like this. He hasn't just cut me out of his life but all our side of the family. It is my grandson's who are the innocent victims and because of their ages the 2 I know and saw every week will have forgotten me by now. I don't even know the name or exact date of birth of the youngest.

I will not let him hurt me again. But I miss him and my grandson's but it was his choice to cut me out of their lives not mine.

I have just added my own post about sending cards to my son 16 years after estrangement. I send a birthday and Christmas card with a very brief note.
I don’t know what I should do, so I can’t tell you either. How does it sprees when you do? How would it feel if you didn’t?
I feel like my son has dies in some ways and this reminds me he is alive. When someone asks how many children I have, I struggle to answer it but I include him in my response. I take the view that mums mark their children’s birthdays and Christmas, so I do.
He might not want to know me but I’m his mum still, which I also know gives me no rights. He hasn’t asked me to stop so I just continue.

On a purely practical note, I do not have the experience to have an opinion on these tragic circumstances. it is possible to get cards with nothing written inside or on the front, just a nice picture, so that at least the cards you send do not contain sentiments I do not feel

Allsorts, clearly you are not alone in this dreadful situation., I can not imagine being estranged from any one of my AC / GC. You must be full of emotions , a sense if great loss, despair and possibly anger . I have no experience of this so can only assume what I would do in that situation. The longer a person is estranged from a parent the harder it becomes to return to the fold. I think I would continue with the cards , maybe blank ones so you can add your own short message, or certainly not over sentimental ones ! That way you are leaving the door open for her. When it comes to card sending times , buy the card pop it in the post and then carry in with your day - do not allow the process to set the wheels in motion as to the estrangement. In other words do this on in automatic pilot, please do not start analysing why you are in this situation- thoughts on the back burner approach! I am so sad you are in this situation and only you know what is best for you. I wish you well , whatever happens enjoy your life ! Good luck.

Only you can make that decision, I would keep a communication line open if only for your grandchildren. One day when they are older their curiosity may lead them to your door.
Include your phone number and address and say how much you miss and love them.

You never know inishowen but IMO the decision should be made because it's the right thing for Allsorts to do for herself.

Perhaps if you stop she may wonder why. Itcould prompt her to see what the reason was.