16 year total estrangement

So much sadness caused by estrangement of which we cannot change, we all go though so much trying to reconnect but in the end you have to live for and value yourself, however your heart aches. They estranged you, you haven't estranged them. It's in their hands, particularly hard for those with an only child, no other family or close friends. That why this forum is so helpful, we understand.

Having said that my son was 40 when he cut all contact so our circumstances are different to yours.. only you know how you feel. Good luck

He may not be receiving the cards. Who would know. Its up to you if you continue but I wouldn't.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have kept the door open, as I felt early on, as a mother, that is what I should do as well as what I wanted to do. A number of you pointed out that I don’t know him any longer, and I don’t. If he walked in now, without any notice, I know it wouldn’t be the child I remember coming back. Violet sky also said I might not even welcome him back at this point and that might be a little true. There is no doubt his return would bring a lot back.
However, ambivalent though that all is, I would like to try again with him as an adult and see if we could start a relationship again. Perhaps we can both do better.
As it is, I could ask his dad what our son says to him about it all but it would be painful to hear that he hates me or even that he never mentions me. I would also not want his dad to encourage a visit. That really has to come entirely from our son.
I really value your thoughts and thank you.

Sleeping we share a similar syory timeframe, and mine returned as strangely as he disappeared. Hang in there, and keep trying. Good luck.

Nanna you think you can’t survive on your own but somehow we do. I am healing now but it took a long time to realise I no longer wanted what I put up with. I don’t recognise her anymore.

Whiff, I am so sorry for your loss, husband and your son and grandchildren; without my loving husband, whose heart was also broken I know I wouldn’t have survived. My older and younger son have disowned their brother for the way he has treated me and my husband and like you theirs a discordant amount of input from the daughter in law!

Good luck to you and concentrate on the daughter you still have, if your son is such a spineless wonder like mine is you’re probably better off without him in your life. X

I agree, Smileless, the disbelief never goes away.
Whiff, my daughter in law had no sense of 'family '. I remember that she was very surprised that l am still in touch with cousins and often chat with some of them on the phone. Maybe this makes it easy to cast people off.

The shock is numbing for sometime isn't it Hilltop, it passes eventually but I think the disbelief never goes away .

Same Hithere

And every time i was told what had been lost or given up for my existence as their child and every time i was told just how much had been done for me, I felt that guilt and carried that debt.

But my children owe me nothing, they have taken nothing from me and I have done or given nothing for them I can measure as a loss.

They are not an investmemt in terms of what i pay in now i should get back later.

Its a bit like watering your plants and getting flowers.

I can honesty say I treated my parents with way more respect and concern for their well being compared to what they ever showed me since I was a child.

Of course we (my parents and I) have different definitions of respect and that is one of the reasons why our relationship won't ever be mended

Allsorts

Icanhabdtgemback, I do not agree with you, There is decent and respectable way to treat your parents, in fact everyone, so we will have to agree to disagree. I’m afraid as parents we see the child they were not the person they become. We can love what they were but not like what they become, when you eventually realise this you can move on.

Even if your parents haven't treated you well? Why should you keep people in your life if they cause you hurt and pain? Of course a lot of estranged parents maybe don't deserve such unkindness but some will not have earned respect. It isn't a given just because you gave birth to someone and brought them up.

Hilltop I was brought up with a strong sense of family. My mom was all family. My dad didn't know what a real family is was until he met my mom. The same with my husband.

I didn't know it was called estrangement until it happened to me 2 years ago. My son came to see me after work on my birthday in April . Covid rules where in place so we sat apart and didn't touch. Had a wonderful time. 4 days later he sent an email and that was it. Said he loved me but didn't like me and to give him time. I did . It was his birthday and his second son's the same day in August and knew my third grandson with them was due in July. So sent cards and presents. The day after their birthday everything came back all unopened and babies presents crushed . With a letter stating zero contact from no one. He not only threw me away but all over side of the family.

My husband died when he was 47 and our daughter was 20 and son 16.

I haven't sent a card or present since. I did nothing to be treated this way. But the way he did was cruel and cowardly. Two things I would never of thought he was .

Estrangement happens to good parents who nothing but love and cherish their children. Luckily I have my daughter and family plus other family and friends. My brother thinks my daughter in law is jealous of the relationship with my son.

Funny it was only when I moved over 100 miles to live closer to my children that I was suddenly a mom he didn't want anything to do with. I don't drive and live 40 mins from my son via car and 10 my mins from my daughter. From August 2019 until March 2020 my son and 2 grandson's came every week . In that time was never invited to their house. Only saw my daughter in law 3 times between August 2019 last time Boxing day of that year.

If it wasn't for Smiless2012 and all on the other parts of the support thread I don't know how I would have coped. My daughter has washed her hands of her brother and my brother would gladly thump him.

So the support thread is the only place I can talk openly about how I feel. Because of all those wonderful women I am as I am now. Have wobbles . I love my son and grandson's very much. But could never forgive or trust him again. I don't hate my son or daughter in law don't need or want hate in my life.

When l was estranged by my son, 3 years ago, l didn't cry much. I just felt shocked and ill. Like a PP l don't know where he now lives, so could not send a card even if l wanted too.
I often feel sorry for him now,(as well as feeling sad about it myself) the estrangement was sudden and l feel he was cut off from his family and friends by his wife--they did live away from us all. He was isolated and had no chance to discuss the estrangement with family or me, only his wife. When they first married
l know she didn't want him to go out to a hobby he was interested in as it meant 'she was not enough for him '. I'm pleased to say he did go but l should have realised that something was not quite right then, but I'd never come across estrangement before and didn't realise it could happen.

But l try to put my feelings to one side and get on with my life.
I think if l was able to send cards and l had not been told not to l would continue though I'm not sure what l would hope would be the outcome.
But l do have a strong sense of 'family ' if any one understands that and he will always be 'family ' to me. But I'm really not sure what I'd do if l ever heard from him-- all trust in him has completely gone and we could never ever go back to how it used to be.

There are of course situations where an AC estranging his/her parent(s) is understandable but that doesn't apply to you, us and the vast majority of EP's who post here on GN NannaG.

"The main thing is I don't cry over it anymore" it takes time doesn't it but we all get there in the end. 9.5 years for us and very occasionally I'll cry due to a mixture of hurt, frustration and anger.

We never stop loving them and remember how they used to be because we simply don't recognise what they've become .

NannaG63....as your son obviously knew your DH wasn't his "birth" father, but was close to your DH, who acted as his Dad for many years, I cannot see why he couldn't have had both his birth father and you/DH in his life.

It didn't have to be one or the other.

Many AC's of divorced parents just see them separately. You don't all have to mix together, but the ACs can see both parents and new partners.

If your son (and I hope he doesn't), split from his children's mother, I'm sure he wouldn't want them to choose to only see one parent.

It must be a bitter pill for you and DH to swallow, but hopefully, one day, your son will mature sufficiently to understand that he can have both parents in his life.

Icanhabdtgemback, I do not agree with you, There is decent and respectable way to treat your parents, in fact everyone, so we will have to agree to disagree. I’m afraid as parents we see the child they were not the person they become. We can love what they were but not like what they become, when you eventually realise this you can move on.

It seems that with some offspring it doesn’t matter a jot about how good a parent you were/are, they will do what they want to do no matter the hurt and fallout this may cause. Seven years ago my middle son made up a pack of lies about one of his children asking who his (my sons) real dad was; I didn’t believe this because my son was only 5 years old when his father left our family and there had been no co tact between the. For almost 30 years, my grandson new my husband as Bampy and my son had always called my husband Dad and treated him as such. As a mother we often overlook the odd fib don’t we but this was so blatant a lie that I knew my son had already contacted his father. A few weeks later he informed me that he was going to initiate contact with his father and I asked him simply not to put ‘happy crappy family photos’ with my grandchildren and this person that has had no input in my sons life for three decades. Some weeks later, I was taking a break from nursing my father who was dying of cancer, I opened my iPad onto Facebook and the very first picture that greeted me was my beautiful boy, his wife and their two sons all smiling out to a family dinner with his father, wife his two children and just for good measure my ex brother and sister in law! Obviously it caught me at a very delicate time and I was so distressed by this that I couldn’t contain my distress; my Dad, bless him, had lost the power of speech and signed to me that I should tear up Facebook and throw it away! My father died not long after that and there was a large family funeral and all three of my sons were present, I’d already told the other two boys that they were to be ok with their brother no matter what their feelings about his actions toward me. I realise this may seem like a ramble, please forgive me. The short story is that 6 months later my son decided that for the benefit of his family he needed to have his father in his life and that he needed to think about whether I should be in his life? I said that this would be his choice. After a couple of weeks is mentioned to my husband that I hadn’t heard anything from my son to which my husband responded half jokingly ‘has he blocked you on Facebook?’ Yes, when I checked he had actually blocked me on Facebook. That was four years ago now, he has moved house so I don’t have his address anymore, I’ve heard that he now has a third son himself.

I spent the first year sobbing my heart out every night, the second year probably once a week at least, the third year I started to question what was I crying for and over this last year I not cried at all. I realised that I loved the baby I gave birth too, the little boy that used to hold my hand and tell me he loved me soooo much, the little boy I comforted when his father didn’t turn up for his weekend (which stopped altogether after two years, along with very spasmodic child support); the teenager who I helped with homework and hobbies and ambition to become an actor; put him through college and then four years at university; the young man who got stuck in a relationship he needed rescuing from - you know the sorts of things we do - BUT I don’t even know the man that he has become. I still send him and his family birthday messages, Christmas and New Year, I never get an acknowledgement!

I’ve lost my son and three grandsons, the children don’t even know who my husband and I are. My other sons don’t speak to him at all no matter that I have asked them to, they are both disgusted with the way he has treated me but other members of the family have held the door open for him should he ever decide to come back to me - he is my son and I will always love him I just don’t like him very much at the moment. The main thing is I don’t cry over it anymore.

OP - sending a card is not stalking or harassment. Stalking is awful, but that gets nowhere near it.
Stalker victims tell harrowing tales of being followed, multiple contacts, via all things, daily, and their lives made a misery - hardly the same!
But, if he sends word your cards aren't wanted, then perhaps just stop then.

Wise words and advice Diamond; using overly dramatic and emotive language such as stalking and harassment is simply inappropriate and unhelpful in these situations where the parent/s have been given no indication or instructions to cease all contact. If a request to stop all contact is received; I agree with you; just stop.

Diamondlil, I am sorry your children were so let down by their birth father. He truly has lost so much, I doubt it bothers him as he cares just for himself. BPD or narcissustic, whatever, you're better if without them. A case of be careful what you wish for.

Allsorts - yes, he's silly. It's funny though as he was a very good to the kids when they were growing up. He and my DD are horse mad and spent weekends at his stables, and at horse shows etc.

I think perhaps he was attention seeking and it got out of control.?

OP - sending a card is not stalking or harassment. Stalking is awful, but that gets nowhere near it.

Stalker victims tell harrowing tales of being followed, multiple contacts, via all things, daily, and their lives made a misery - hardly the same!

But, if he sends word your cards aren't wanted, then perhaps just stop then.

Allsorts, you cannot possibly know that OP's son is a "not nice" person. We only know what the OP has told us and they have admitted their behaviour was not always the best. Her son wouldn't have been the first person to be advised to go no contact by the professionals if he had experienced issues because of his experiences with his Mum. I am not accusing Sleeping101 of anything untoward but it is often the case that parents cannot see how their behaviour has impacted on their offspring.
My mother has been hurtful, self absorbed caused her daughters a wealth of pain but in her mind she has been the perfect mother so any discussion about how it has affected us is met with anger, disbelief and outright denial. I have no doubt that if my sister or I went no contact she would be extremely hurt.

Violet Sky wrote:

"Time spent in bitterness, anger, loss, depression resentment or longing for what we can't have.... "

If Sleeping does not already deliberately set severe limits on the time she spends ruminating over this sad affair, then she sould do so and refuse to indulge in useless worrying.

Sleeping is doing the best thing for her estranged son by keeping in touch with him and leaving it to him to respond. There may come a time in his life when he desperately needs these small evidences of his mother's faithfulness to him.

But you must also protect yourself by not indulging in sad old memories. You are doing very well to send the regular cards. I hope you manage to continue.

Hello ....

I agree with a lot of others that please don't stop sending Christmas and birthday cards.

You never know when or if 1 of those cards brings forth a need to contact you, please continue.

Diamondlil, I am sorry your children were so let down by their birth father. He truly has lost so much, I doubt it bothers him as he cares just for himself. BPD or narcissustic, whatever, you're better if without them. A case of be careful what you wish for.
I think if it helps Sleeping keeping in touch, a card once a year isn't harrassment, it would be laughed out of court. I hope she realises her own worth, put herself first, realise a grand reunion may not happen, if it did would you connect, but please make sure you don't waste your life on someone who isn't bothered. It's hard to face the fact your child isn't a nice person but he's an adult now and knows just what he is doing. He did things wrong too although young, he is old enough to recognise that. It's their bitterness not yours.
If I could hope for one thing it's that you let go and value yourself and start putting yourself first, the crying has to stop .

It's so sad to be estranged from loved ones. I agree with others who said continue to send cards. It keeps alive that little flame of hope. I very much hope that one day soon you get a response.