Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I never think about when I die, about who will come to my funeral. My d wouldn't but we could outlive our children. It's how I'm treated now that matters. We helped our children financialy to get them started in life. Our parents were not in a position to do it for us. None of that realy matters we all
do what we can. If she doesn't want me when I'm alive she's hardly likely to bother when I'm gone.

I think l am older than most of you posting on here. My husband and l had discussed funerals, before he died nearly two years ago. My family, who would have attended his funeral were all dead or too ill to travel and it was much the same with his friends and family. There would have been so many people not there which would have been so sad.
My ES (of about 2 years then) had, after discussion with my daughter, been informed that his father was dying and when he died. He had actually sent me nice emails at the time, but wouldn't speak on the phone and didn't come. He quickly stopped contact again afterwards and I've not heard anything since. I suspect that DIL didn't know he sent the messages and l bet she didn't know he sent some flowers although her name was on them too. I didn't hear anything from her ..
So l did what my husband and l had agreed , and my ďaughter and her family said it was fine. We had a ^Pure Cremation ", you may have seen the advert on tv. When there is no funeral.
Afterwards, we planted a tree in a local memorial ground, and had a nice meal. We go and see the tree and have another meal every now and then, which is nice.
My ES is not to be told when l die though as l have still left him a very small amount in my will (because l am sorry for him, though l might change that) he will know later.

Dotcom , l think you said you don't know where your ES lives now? My ES moved house too and I'm not supposed to know though l do have a good idea.
Like Smileless, we had given them the deposit for their house but not with any conditions. Didn't think we needed any at the time.
Best wishes to all

Oh that's my wish too hugs that we go together so neither of us has to face life without the other.

For a while Mr. S. said that if our ES wanted to be at his funeral, he'd want him there. I said nothing. Later he said he'd given it a lot of thought and realised that it wouldn't be fair on me and his siblings and wider family if he was.

I've told Mr. S., family and my closest friends that I don't want him at mine. No point in him turning up when I'm dead is there.

As for karma, well life has taught me that what goes around doesn't always come around. We certainly did nothing to deserve the way we've been treated.

hugshelp

Yes anniversaries are difficult, as time goes by others forget but we don’t. However, my husband used to say you get one life and don't waste it. Not easy to do sometimes, grieving someone you really loved and was loved by. I wasted so much time when my d estranged me, I could not believe or accept it, it still hits me hard, even now. I do think DSL situation is difficult, this cat and mouse, I had it for years, did just the same, eventually it became full estrangement though. At least there’s closure as much as there can ever be. This is why good support is needed, it’s hard when on your own like so many of us but at least we have lovely memories and have a clear conscience. I couldn’t treat my parents or anyone really the way I’ve been treated. I’m sure one day the penny will drop as to just what they put us through.
Whif, all you did for everyone, even those you didn’t like, is commendable, that’s why you deserve the happiness you have now.

I'm not sure about karma, what would a child ever do to deserve growing up in an unhappy or abusive home? Who would ever really wish estrangement of any kind on future generations of children? Can't argue with that VioletL

You've all given me a lot to think about with funerals. I'll be mulling it all over for some time. I dread deciding what to do if Mr H goes before me - and he's quite a bit older than me so it's not unlikely. I always say I wish we could go together, in each other's arms, but I doubt many people get that wish granted.

I'm sorry you have the anniversary to face again soon DSL We will all be with you in spirit. x Glad to hear you are making house progress. Our survey was done today for the one we're buying (fingers crossed) so hoping we'll have the report early next week.

I'd be feeling very wobbly before a funeral too Dot. Thinking of you and hoping you feel much better when you get to the other side.

So much sadness Whiff. thinking of you too. x So glad you found your happy home and are living life to the full.

It makes my blood boil on your behalf DL to think of all the pain and sadness people suffered while Boris partied.

Lol at restaurant women smiles

When I was at college one of our chef lecturers always said do as I say not as I do.

He went on to say he needed to teach the correct way and not all the short cuts he had developed overs years of being a chef. He said we would find our own way with age.

It’s quite common with younger parents - they know and quote all the “new rules”, but don’t actually abide by them themselves...?

And in our case with our ES it also became evident that they were going for the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do approach to life Namsnanny.

I see that a lot in RL smileless not the swearing at children! But the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do approach to life.
Once you become aware of it, you notice it more.

Lol so funny when parents don't realise they are creating the problem!

Well this made us laugh when we were out for lunch today.

A woman was telling her son off for swearing, and this is what she shouted said. "If you don't stop swearing there will consequences because it's really pissing me off"!!!!

It's good that brought the subject up Dotcom.

I'm not sure if we've ever really talked about it on the support threads and it needs to be talked about because where there's estrangement, the already difficult and upsetting funeral either becomes even more upsetting and difficult, or the increased stress and pressure from just thinking about it has the same affect.

DSL A difficult time for you as the anniversary of your DH's death approaches together with the anniversary of your son's estrangement of you. All the blowing hot and cold, never knowing exactly where you stand from one day to the next is so cruel and unnecessary.

Just 6 at mum's funeral. Myself, Mr. S., 3 cousins and one of their partners. It was lovely though, just what she'd have wanted.

Yes, but, he's finally gone. ? Not sure what follows will be much better though.?

I know. When you look back you're just so bloody angry that you did as you were told, for everyone's benefit; but not your own.

Such awful behaviour.

I heard he is trying to reverse his resignation somewhere, I hope that's not true.

He has caused so much pain and upset

Him and his chums were wheeling in cases of drinks, a karaoke machine and a running buffet, I was stuck with a strange funeral, and having to stream it to America, so that my son could feel he was at least a minor part of it.?

Do you know DiamondLily, I'd been about to mention him in my post @ 14.08 but then thought "better not"! But yes, it made my blood boil too. Still does.

CB....I wasn't best pleased when I found out later that Boris Johnson had been involved in a large drinks party that very day.?

I sympathise DiamondLily, funerals at any time are difficult and sad enough but those who had to adhere to the strict lockdown rules were particularly difficult. My friend, who's husband died just after lockdown #1, said that she didn't feel that the very few people who were allowed to attend, was a true reflection of the enormity of his life.

DL...sorry you are feeling low, coming up to the anniversary. Hopefully the good memories will give a happy moment, here and there.?

Like everyone, I don't actually like funerals, but, in a strange way, the formality and traditions of them do give a sense of closure, and a chance to celebrate the life of that person.

My dad died, at the beginning of the first lockdown, and we could only have 10 people, all socially distanced. No funeral cars, no flowers, and no wake.

It was as good as it could be, but it sort of lacked the tradition.

Still, hopefully, no more restrictions or lockdowns. ?

Dotcom thanks for the flowers but I am coping well. Have wobbles. But happier than I have ever been since I moved to the north west. Best thing I could have done. Friend from the Midlands visited last month and she noticed how much I have changed. She loved my home and my friends at exercise. And she met my daughter and grandson's for the first time. She was nervous as she's not used to young children . Told her want would happen and I was right they both went to her . And she loved talking to my daughter. My life is full. ?

Oh Whiff?

It has definitely got me thinking.

Most of my family don't talk to me because I am estranged and I won't answer messages about the estrangement.

They view that as me estranging them conversely.

But actually, I made it clear I wouldn't talk about that and they didn't try talking about anything else.

If any of us die, I think the best thing to do is inform them, and set up a separate time for them to attend and they can always arrange their own wake.

It must be possible to do that.

I feel odd about it. I have no doubt I won't be invited to any funerals or even informed but I don't have to be like that and can find space for them to grieve.