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Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

(1000 Posts)
Whiff Fri 17-Jun-22 15:54:11

Wow almost 1,000 posts already . So to make sure every has the support they need here is part 2

Smileless2012 Fri 17-Jun-22 16:28:07

Not part 2, there's been so many support threads I'm not sure what the number will be now after more than 9 years; any ideas Yogin?.

Whiff Fri 17-Jun-22 16:38:41

Sorry Smiles it's probably 10 or 11. Didn't mean not to refer back to the ordinal support thread you started and the old hands that have been there for the long haul . I wouldn't be like I am without all of you. ❤️

Smileless2012 Fri 17-Jun-22 17:28:40

No worries Whiff smile. 9.5 years and at least 2 threads a year, but there have been more some years so probably 20 to 25shock; pretty amazing isn't it.

Madgran77 Fri 17-Jun-22 17:48:35

Hi All, Just to say I'm still here even though not posting much at the moment. x

Smileless2012 Fri 17-Jun-22 17:57:01

That's really good to know Madgran x.

Whiff Fri 17-Jun-22 19:22:38

Wow Smiles shows how much it was needed when you started it. But it's a testament to the fact people are willing to talk about estrangement and how they are truly feeling about it and not suffering on their own anymore. I will never understand why adult children decide to throw away good parents. But it seems to be a growing problem sad to say

Madgran glad to know you still read.

Smileless2012 Fri 17-Jun-22 19:52:30

Thank you Whiff for prompting me. I was in contact with the lovely lady who started the very first support thread for EP's for several years, but we lost touch.

Reading your post made me think about her and I've just sent her an email to tell her that what she started 9+ years ago is still going strong, in fact is going from strength to strength.

So many have been helped over the years because as you say, we do want to talk about it, how we really feel and take comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone.

Whiff Sat 18-Jun-22 06:19:57

Smiles hope you get a reply from her. The years go by so quickly glad to say. It was 2 years in May I first contacted you by PM. So glad I did.

Hugshelp hope everything went well for your daughter yesterday and her move.

Purplepixie have a wonderful time with your granddaughter's today.

It's already 23.5° in my living room so getting going as I want to make some blueberry jam while it's cooler. At dinner time last night it was 29° in my kitchen????.

Have a good day everyone and plenty of suntan lotion.

PetitFromage Sat 18-Jun-22 08:10:32

Good morning, just to say that I am still here, and appreciate all of the support which I have had in the past.

I am not estranged from my daughter any longer, but still have residual feelings of anger that she hurt my DH by concealing DGD1 from us all for 14 months. She said that SIL told her to, but I just don't think that it's even the beginning of a reason. She has no contact with former friends or her sisters, although they will sign birthday cards. She didn't see her grandmother for years, although she was a big part of DD's childhood.

Sometimes, I think we are getting closer and others not. I know my feelings are destructive and that I need to forgive and move on, but it's not easy, and complicated by my feelings of grief for DH and MIL. I realise DD didn't know they were going to die and I know that she has all sorts of guilt, especially around her father's death. She lost three years of precious time with him.

But still, the blow was, if not fatal, then permanently wounding. I know that I am lucky, compared to many, in that I can have contact with the DGC and visit from time to time (although SIL never makes me feel welcome). But the DGDs are happy to chat on FaceTime and DGS is very sweet. I need to bear in mind that the DGC are separate individuals, hopefully untainted by the past.

But I just feel partly emotionally closed down and that I am proposing to be selfish now. I have given all of the the DDs a lot of support over the years and continuing, emotional, practical, and financial. So now I want to try to live the life that's left, albeit it's not the life I would have chosen. I would have chosen to share it with DH and have all of my DDs and DGC close by.

I am going away for a month, travelling extensively, and I just. want to keep on running, not to have too much time to think.

Sorry for rambling on, but even reconciliation is not without its difficulties, as the trust has gone, when you feel that you have been so wilfully disregarded - it eats away at your self worth and confidence, forever. And I don't have the emotional capacity for any more drama. If she were to cut me off again, which I don't believe she will, my feelings about it would be a lot less. After the pain of losing DH, nothing else can touch it really. Although, conversely, I am lonely and, in some ways, would like to meet someone - not to grow old together - I don't want to grow old, at least not at present - but for companionship and intimacy.

I have digressed, but just conscious that I haven't made any contribution to the thread recently. And I want to say that even reconciliation is not straightforward, and that we should not let the pain distract from enjoying our present life, before old age takes it away.

Sending love and hugs to all those who are suffering the unique pain which is estrangement.

Toetoe Sat 18-Jun-22 08:24:54

Hello all I have been popping in and out so not forgotten you . Update is I was invited to daughters on the jubilee Sunday. We were with a lot of her friends and neighbours and the girls with their friends but it was nice to be a part of , but I do know without a doubt daughters feelings towards me are that I am not an important part of her unit and also instilled in the girls that I'm on the outside , it's hard to explain its like I'm a distant relative visiting once in a while and when I'm gone I'm gone . I can sense it and see it and I'm starting to accept it . Anyway I've spent a few hours with the girls and they know I love them and am still there for them even be it on the outside looking in . I'm beginning to feel better and not pining any more . I hope you are all OK as I said I've been popping in and out .

Just to add I'm also staying with my sister in Surrey for a week . Best wishes to you all

Whiff Sat 18-Jun-22 08:25:05

PetitFromage glad to here from you. Glad you have contact with your daughter. You are a better person than me if you can forgive her. I could never forgive my son or daughter in law and any trust I had with my son is dead.

Ramble as much as you want. That's what the thread is for . And this isn't just for estranged ,partial estranged or reconnected parents but for all . You still bear the pain for the estrangement and nothing will ever take that away.

Like you the pain of my husband dieing never goes away and gets worse as I get older and our children and grandchildren age. Making a new present and future without them is hard but it's something we have to do. Otherwise the love they gave us during their lifetime is wasted. My husband wanted me to live the best life I can. And I do. Without him I couldn't have coped with the HPX . He was my rock . But he is always with me . And see him often with that stupid grin of his .

You have a wonderful time on your travels and let us know about your adventures. ?

Yoginimeisje Sat 18-Jun-22 08:41:52


Not part 2, there's been so many support threads I'm not sure what the number will be now after more than 9 years; any ideas Yogin?.

No, too many to count Smiles

Well done opening the new thread Whiff

Sounds good to get away Pixie it will lift your spirits and to join the sewing group. Walking is a good exercise, I do it every day, with my little doggie. It was too hot yesterday, so we went to the woods, nearby where we used to live, lovely and cool.

Yes it's painful being estranged, even if it's for a short time, I thought you just hadn't seen them for 10 weeks DSL. A friend of mine was estranged from her D for 6mnths and she said she can still feel the pain, her baby she had given birth to, not wanting to see her again. One day my friend just phoned her D up and it was all over.

My DD and I were talking about it yesterday, we said at the beginning we thought it wouldn't be for long, 6months tops. I read on here [at that time] a poster saying it was 2yrs for her and I thought it won't be that long for us, 9.5yrs later sad

Smileless2012 Sat 18-Jun-22 09:03:21

How lovely to see your post*PF*smile.

It's good to know that you remain in contact with your D and are building a relationship with your GC. FaceTime is such a great device isn't it, especially as the children get older and you're able to chat to them.

As you say, estrangement leaves a permanent wound and reconciliation brings its own unique challenges and pain. Knowing how the death of her father, your DH has impacted on your D. None of us know when our time is up, when we'll lose someone and then there's no time to make up for the time that's been lost. There must be times when the guilt is overwhelming.

The loss of your DH and m.i.l. who was such a special and important person in your life will have knocked you for 6, without the fragile nature of your relationship with your D.

Estrangement, even when there's reconciliation, shows us that there are few who we can depend upon 100% to always be there and of course until it happens, you never expect that it could be your own AC who lets you down.

You have demonstrated such courage, strength of character and above all love for your D as you have, and continue to grieve for the man you loved, your soul mate.

DSL is the same, as she struggles to make the life for herself that she deserves while the threat of a further estrangement remains like a spectre at the feast.

It's always lovely to hear from you dear friend flowers.

A lovely but much cooler morning here which is a good thing as we have our concert this afternoon at 2.00 pm. Mr. S. will be there and although I'll make sure I don't look at him while we perform, his presence will as ever give me confidence and that wonderful sense of calmness and safety.

Smileless2012 Sat 18-Jun-22 09:19:14

Good to see you Toetoe, I was interrupted while typing my post so by the time I posted it, 3 more had appeared.

That must have been a bitter/sweet experience, being there but very much aware that you're on the periphery but at least you were able to see your GD's and they know you love them.

It's good that you're no longer pining. This of course is not what you or anyone would want but accepting that this is how things are, and there's nothing you can do to change it, does bring its own form of peace.

We thought that too Yogin; a blip, a temporary set back and like you, 9.5 years later and we're both still on the support thread and estrangedsad. We have to be careful walking our dogs when it's hot don't we. Mr. S. took ours into the cemetery where the ancient trees provide plenty of shade.

see him often with that stupid grin of his that's lovely Whiff flowers.

Yoginimeisje Sat 18-Jun-22 09:40:51

Whilst having my shower, I was thinking....I used to see my D&GC twice per week or more [as I think Smiles did] and we'd speak on the phone every day, and my little GD would phone me out of the blue as I was on 'speed' dial, so to go from that, to like a guillotine coming down, to nothing ,was unbearable, I couldn't look at children of a similar age for about 2yrs.

When I [and Smiles ] first come on this thread in early 2013, the threads weren't numbered, which would have helped us now, don't think anyone thought it would be still running towards the 10yr mark!

Yoginimeisje Sat 18-Jun-22 09:54:39

Enjoy your month away Pixie I remember when I first went away after the estrangement, I had such a fabulous time, but then on the plane coming home I cried, turned my head into the window so as not to be seen. I completed blamed my s.i.l for the estrangement for years, until one day I woke up to the realization that it was my D's work too, although without doubt would not have happened without him, her husband, now known in our & my DD house as knob head

Yoginimeisje Sat 18-Jun-22 10:13:41

Good luck with your concert this afternoon Smiles I was berating myself yesterday with my DD on how I handled the estrangement in the completely wrong way, she replied but I did the opposite & still estranged same as you Smiles we trod the opposite pathway but ended up the same, so just goes to show, no matter what you do, it won't work unless they want it to!

Awful Toetoe to be treated so badly, just be thankful you can still see them and maybe with time things could change for the better, when your D matures a bit more.

Petit flowers

Smileless2012 Sat 18-Jun-22 10:50:57

Used to speak on the 'phone at least once a day with ES Yogin, never really saw our first GC and he was just 8 months old the last time we did.

I remember when we first became friends, thinking how awful it must have been for you because you'd spent so much time with your GD, the wrench must have been indescribable.

2013 and now it's 2022 and we're both still here. Not sure if that's a good thing or not hmm. We couldn't have handled it any differently and yet here we are, still estranged so don't berate yourself Yogin. I'm certain that had we had the relationship with our GC like the one you'd had with your GD, we'd have gone to court too.

We'd have been aware as I'm sure you were that as far as the relationship with our EAC goes, that would have been the end but in our hearts we knew that was the case from more or less the beginning, and had we had the relationship with our GC that you'd had, that's what we'd have been fighting for.

Smileless2012 Sat 18-Jun-22 11:06:32

PS Thanks for the 'good luck' for the concert Yogin, it's the latin one 'Locus Iste' I'm a bit worried about, a real tongue twister and very high for the sopranos and we'll be missing one as she's got Covid, still there's plenty of us so fingers crossed!

DerbyshireLass Sat 18-Jun-22 11:28:07

Good luck with your concert. Smiles.

Smileless2012 Sat 18-Jun-22 11:35:21

Thank you smile

Whiff Sat 18-Jun-22 11:53:15

Smiles and Yogin I for one am grateful you are both still here helping us. Said many times the support thread saved me from despair . As I didn't know where to get help or know it was happening to others.

Smiles I know you will be singing your heart out and with the sunshine will be lifting everyone's spirits who hear the choir.

Toetoe glad you are still with us. At least your grandchildren know you love them . Sorry you are made to feel an outsider. Luckily I have been spared that. Enjoy your time with your sister and come back feeling recharged .

Yogin because my grandchildren are all close in age . When I am with my daughter's boys I can see what my son's youngest 2 will be doing. My daughter's eldest and my son's middle son both start school in September. I assume my grandson by my son will go to the same school as his brother. It's hard to believe come September I have 3 school age grandson's. The youngest 2 will both be 2 this year. At least I get to see 2 grow up and know how lucky I am in that respect.

Had to sort out my friend about trains on Friday. She is coming Monday as arranged but the information she was given about her return journey on Friday was hog wash. At least got that sorted otherwise she would have cancelled her trip because of her cats . The cattery couldn't take them after Friday as fully booked.

Made 5lbs of blueberry jam this morning before it gets to hot in my kitchen. It's already 25° in my living room.

Take care everyone

DerbyshireLass Sat 18-Jun-22 12:25:07

I am another one who is so grateful for this thread. I don't feel quite so alone.,

Toetoe. I can relate to being made to feel like an outsider. I feel sidelined, on the outside looking in. Our whole family are treated like this. It's a very shabby thing to do. We are treated like lepers, until she wants something or they feel its time for a "duty call". I often feel like telling them not to bother visiting. I often end up feeling used, not a nice feeling, leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth.

PF. The pain of losing our spouses/partners never leaves us, it always there gnawing away. Add estrangement into the mix and sometimes life just looks very bleak.

Today I feel very low, didn't sleep too well so that doesn't help. Fibro is bad today too. A bit woe is me today.. ?. Never mind, it will pass.

One of the things I have noticed, is that as well as losing my trust and faith in my son I have also lost a lot of confidence. It completely knocked the stuffing out of me, and I have still not really recovered. I still experience periods of anxiety and some sleepless nights. I feel that my overall health took a pounding and I've not really bounced back yet.

I am really hoping that a house move will kick start the old adrenaline and help me find my mojo again. I want to build a more rewarding life. Right now I sometimes feel that I'm just existing and that's a waste of a life.

Must do better. ?

Whiff Sat 18-Jun-22 13:58:05

DerbyshireLass moving to the north west was the best thing I could have done. Ok lost my son and grandson's. But I live my life to the full. In the Midlands I existed. Looking back it was because I had always had someone dependent on me. . After mom died finally I was free to live the life my husband wanted for me. Moving meant people got to know me without all the labels and I didn't realise I had lost me. But you are never to old to change and learn new things.

Before my move even after my husband died it was our house and the children's rooms even thought they hadn't lived at home for over a decade. The bungalow is mine my choice of colours etc. Sounds selfish but it's what I needed.

My life couldn't have carried on as it was it wasn't living. The past can sometimes hold us back from living a full life. I will never stop going forward and learning and doing new things.

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