Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

DSL. My confidence was destroyed too. Come to realise that you can’t let an ungrateful child, whatever they are, feel a# if your worthless, think of all those things we’ve endured and survived. We raised them and did our best. At my age, I’ve been through divorce, been a single mom, lost my parents, remarried happily, why should all that be deemed not enough? We wouldn’t take it from friends so why from an estranged child. We are lucky to have another one, have known lots if love and given it. It’s not us that needs to change is it? The worst thing to happen to me was my husband dying, but I’m still here.
Whiff hope your afternoon with your little grandson was good, bet your tired but happy.
Diamond Lil, whatever you do fir your stepson won’t be enough, do things for you and your other half, don’t let stepson taint this time together.

Whoops sorry

That was meant as a reply to you on a different thread Diamondlily

Clear sign to get off my bum and do something with the afternoon

Some of my favourite people are Americans.

Excuse the sweeping generalisations

Direct and unafraid to give you the hard truths

Capable of laughing at themselves

Friendly and open

Don't moan all the time

Hard working

And always have your back

Stress and anger just suck the life out of you. They really do affect every part of you.?

Which is why I get so angry with my stepson and the way he treats his Dad.

DH has chronic heart disease, and has breathing problems (he caught a dose of MRSA when in hospital, years back, and the complications caused paralysed vocal cords). He can talk, but he can't breathe and talk, together easily, as he gets too breathless.

Stress makes it so much worse. Stepson knows this, but still does it?

Some of these ACs are just so bloody selfish.?

And finally, the self confidence thing. Me too. DIL destroyed mine, It got so bad I could hardly drive my car. I'm fighting back though., gradually getting there. I think the house move will see me fully back up to strength, with my usual bounce and joire de vie.

I am a pretty resilient person, with "True Grit". ?. She tried to break me but I kept fighting back. Took it out of me physically though, I still feel like a limp rag and fibro pain is no joke. But I'm not giving up. Like Smiles I love to dance, in fact just as soon as I'm strong enough I'm going to join a dance class. One of my goals.

Actually talking of confidence I had a nice little ego boost this morning. In ASDA car park of all places. ??. A very attractive man smiled and said hello. Just that, nothing more. But it was nice to have a handsome man give me an "appreciative once over".

It's been a long time since a man looked at me like that and I am vain enough to enjoy it, lol.

DerbyshireLass

That's an old one VS. And tbh I still don't really understand it. But then maths never was my strong point,

Its not maths its misdirection

At least these things are timeless and can follow to new generations although one of my daughters did say it was a cheap hotel room lol

Smileless2012

Did anyone watch the celebrations for the Lionesses in Trafalgar Square, it was brilliant and moving. Just had a news feed through that the FA denied them an open top bus ride.

Sour grapes me thinks.

I love the men's game, and the flags come out every time ???????

Usually, to be fair, to be pulled fairly swiftly...?

But, well done to the girls, although I didn't watch the matches, they obviously played really well.?

It's the World Cup at Christmastime this time, which will be odd.

Definitely sour grapes. They have tried to keep women out of football for decades, sneering and laughing at women. Well they're laughing out if the other side of their faces now aren't they.

Smiles. Part of my career involved dealing with lettings. . I can tell you some horror stories about tenants. I would never let out a property of mine, people think it's easy money and landlords have it cushy. They dont, it's actually quite a high risk strategy and certainly not one I'm prepared to take. I'll stick with being a serial renovator. Maybe harder work, and less financial reward, but less risk.

I am a mentor to a couple of builders/plumbers who dabble in BTLs as part of their pension planning . I am also a certified debt counsellor and mortgage advisor, although I allowed my licence to expire. I don't charge them for my advice and know how but they do me plenty of favours in return.

Whenever anyone asks me "what makes a good tenant". I always say the same thing. "A good tenant is one who pays the rent on time, an excellent tenant is one who gets the hoover out now and again. Anything else and you've got an Angel."

I know this is contentious but I have noticed that increasingly tenants are less inclined to take care of the landlords property, some of them live like pigs.....and that's insulting pigs. ??. Of course you get miserable greedy neglectful landlords who don't look after their properties and who just want to screw their tenants for every penny. But by and large, bad tenants outnumber bad landlords,

There is currently some new legislation going through which is a lot less favourable to landlords, I envisage a lot of the small time investors and "accidental landlords" are going to be squeezed out of the market. It will be down to the big boys, especially foreign investors, the type who bulk buy new developments, whole blocks of apartments.

A lot of small time landlords will be selling up their two bed townhouses. Some of the ones I mentor have started offloading already. Actually i think it might be a good thing, more smaller affordable properties for first time buyers.

Anyway I digress......

Successful Mornjng. Surveyor on time and very efficient, I am always very cheeky. I chat them up and always ask if everything is ok. "Did you find anything nasty I need to worry about". He said all was good. Phew. ?. So fingers crossed, there shouldn't be more hold ups. Need to chase up my solicitor, still not received the revised draft contract yet.

Maybe I can be out of here and in a nice rental by Christmas. Hope so because I would really like a holiday soon but can't really book anything until the move is all done and dusted. Haven't had a holiday since oct 2018. Definitely need a few sea breezes.

Normandy girl....I love the fortress analogy. That's what I did with this house. I bought it because it actually reminded me of my grandmothers house. Built to the original owners design in 1935 (so a one off and not a typical spec build). It's a roomy house with a lovely wrap around garden. Sadly fallen on hard times when I bought it it did have a lot if it's original features, so it's a really charming house, I kid you not it looked like miss Haversham had lift here for decades. I have restored it to its former glory, maintaining its period integrity and adding some extra creature comforts. I envisaged staying here for a while, with my family visiting and maybe grandchildren sleeping over to give their parents a break.

Then as you say, DIL lobbed a hand grenade. That's one of the reasons I'm moving, I shall buy something "for me". DIL had the audacity to try to talk me out of moving saying how much the children love this house. Well of course they do, I chose it as a family home. They love all the nooks and crannies, the places to play hide and seek, and the garden where I let them play football and run wild and free. But if my son and DIL are only going to visit a few times a year then I'm not going to work myself to death to keep it running. I've decided I have got better things to do with my time and money,

Did anyone watch the celebrations for the Lionesses in Trafalgar Square, it was brilliant and moving. Just had a news feed through that the FA denied them an open top bus ride.

Sour grapes me thinks.

That's an old one VS. And tbh I still don't really understand it. But then maths never was my strong point,

I just accidentally caused a big row in my house. By telling them this:

3 friends book a hotel room for £30 and split the bill equally paying £10 each

After they pay they see a sign saying there is a £5 discount.

The clerk refunds the £5 and the friends realise they can't split it 3 ways. So they each take £1 and give the clerk the other £2 for a tip.

This means that each friend has paid £9 each for the room, and the clerk has a £2 tip.

9 + 9 + 9 is 27
+ 2 is 29

Where is the missing £1?

I'm still laughing

We always noticed that when holidaying in France Normandygirl, they are very much family orientated. Several generations getting together is lovely to see but it brings home to us what we've lost and will never have.

You inspire us too. Simply getting through each day is an accomplishment and something to be proud of, so be proud and stay strong .

Smileless
Thankyou so much for the encouragement. It really does help to know that others " get it". I often think that living in France doesn't make it easier to understand as they are so family orientated here. I found it lovely to see that all generations are included in most activities from great grandma's to tiny tots all out together and enjoying each others company.
Anyway, you lot on GN have inspired me to pick myself up and begin taking steps on this new journey, even if it's destination unknown and I thank you.

Yep, still dancing Whiff.

Just had a text message from my hairdresser whose also become a good friend. They're desperately trying to get rid of their tenant. I've seen some pics of the once beautiful 3 bedroom flat she's rented from them and never thought I'd see anything worse than ours, but it is.

Yesterday she was in the yard of the flat and a rat shot out of the drainpipe. She said she was hysterical and who can blame her.

Mr. S. found a rats nest and droppings in the shed at ours, and that was bad enough. It feels as if you cast your pearls before swine which is why we'll never have a tenant in ours again.

We call ourselves unbiological sisters

Planning a day out for tomorrow, just me and my best friend...

Really excited, going to have a wander, see the sights, eat some rubbish street food...

DiamondLily love the imagine of you and your husband playing whack a mole with your health.

Thanks to my neurologist no longer have the jerking limbs and seizures but still have all the usual problems. Drives me made when I can't do what I want because my stupid body won't play ball. You should hear my swearing at myself. You think I would be used it but no still bugs the hell out of me. I suppose that's why we push ourselves to the limit as we don't want any illnesses to define who we are.

I have met so many people far worse off than me so I don't bemoan my fate. I was born with this. But if my parents where alive today I would never tell them it is hereditary. My dad always blamed himself because he had Denjue fever in the army. Told him it was just me and no one's fault.

My relaxation is listening to classic FM and cross stitching. And my garden weather permitting. Mind you think I have a problem need thread and plant buyers self help group ?. As my collection of both keeps growing. Like my craft buddies they say they have a yarn addiction.

Smiles glad you and Mr S are still dancing. Now I have seen your lodge can imagine you dancing in there..??

Music is so mood altering, love putting something on the alexa and having a boogie while I clean

What surprised me the most when I first experienced it Whiff is how physically exhausting emotional stress is. I mean you literally feel as if all the energy has been sucked out of your body.

That's a horrible feeling Normandygirl, me and all the regulars here will know exactly what you're going through because we've been there too. It's just one of the reasons we ensure the support thread keeps going, so we can support one another when times are hard.

It's the curse of hindsight. We look back and wonder how we could have missed it, how could we have been so blind and so stupid, but you see we were neither of those things.

We did build "a house, a home, a strong fortress, a safe haven" for our families. We just assumed, wrongly as it turned out, that every one in that family would want it stay that way and would be prepared to keep it that way.

We also assumed, again wrongly, that anyone coming into that family and welcomed with open arms would also want to be a part of it. Why on earth would anyone want to destroy it?

My gran used to say 'the trouble is, we think everyone we meet will treat us the way we treat them which is why it's such a shock when they don't'.

We are not to blame, the fault is not ours and neither is the responsibility for the carnage. It does take time to rebuild and regain our self confidence and you're not alone. You've already begun by having the courage to share. You will go from strength to strength and we'll all do what we can to help you.

You keep swinging that bat DL, whacking those moles that'll take over your life if you let them. I don't have a relaxation CD but plenty of music that I'll play depending on my mood. Some of it's empowering, some wistful and some that makes me cry.

Some that Mr. S. and I dance around too like a couple of teenagers; that's the best kind.

Whiff - I still have TIAs, which usually causes some limb paralysis, although it's short lived now, thankfully. Trimegal Neuralgia joins the party sometimes as well - jeez, that is painful...?

Along with other things, and my DHs poor health, we also play Whack-AMole with health issues..?

Some days are more difficult than others, but stress definitely affects physical well-being. I've got a relaxation CD that I shut myself away with on difficult days.

Keep well. ?

I agree smileless that my self confidence is on the floor atm.
All these years, I thought I was building a house, a home, a strong fortress, a safe haven for all my family and now a grenade has been thrown and razed it to the ground. How did I not see that missile heading towards us? It has made me question my own sense of perception and reality and by default produced so much uncertainty in many other areas of my life. I suppose it takes time to regain confidence again.

I also have fibro and I have graves disease. I think both are autoimmune because fibro is worsened by stress and illness.

There are lots of interesting thoughts in the medical community about how the body is impacted by adverse experiences.

Stubbornness and determination really do have their uses.

I managed to finish my diploma during the pandemic while seriously ill with graves disease when it was hard enough going back into education later in life.

Amazing what we can achieve when we put our minds to it

DiamondLily I take my hat off to you getting out of the wheelchair in such a short time. You are a very strong woman and yes a warrior queen as DerbyshireLass calls us. Think it is very adapt.

When I was 29 my limbs decided not to work properly. And my walking was very bad and snails over took me. So we could go out as a family I used a wheelchair for a few years until the children where older they where 4 and 6 months . Didn't realise how dangerous it is for people in wheelchairs and children in buggers this was 1988 people still smoked in shops and malls. Nearly got burnt a few times . Don't know if this happened to you but suddenly I became invisible. People would talk to my husband and even ask him if I wanted anything. He used to get fuming and said ask my wife. Mind you he did have wheelchair rage. Anyone went to cut in front of us he went for them. Makes me smile to remember that. If we had only short distance to walk I used my stick still do. My daughter said to me that man is looking at you if you have no brains mommy. She must have been 5 then. Made me more determined to try and control my limbs.

Our GP sent me to the top neurologist at the time in London . Had every test done under the sun for a week. Couldn't tell me what it was be what it wasn't. So knew it wasn't killing me.

Ended up back in the chair for a few months 5 years ago due to jaundice.

Because I moved 3 years this month to the north west and have a new neurologist. April finally found out what's wrong with me. No wonder all the tests couldn't detect it as only genetic blood tests could . Finally aged 64 I know and I was born with it and it's rare.

What I am rambling on about is I admire people like you who through stubborness and determination say this isn't who I want to be and do something about it.

Without my husband's love and strength I wouldn't be able to do what I do. Our children grew up with an understanding that people have health problems and my grandson's are to. Well my son's where hopefully they remember that as I doubt they remember me by now.

Funny how our emotions can effect our bodies. I know when I have a wobble over my husband or son it effects my control over my limbs. And have to concentrate to make my feet face forward otherwise I walk like a toddler with a walking stick ??.

Anyway hope you have the sunshine today.

Good morning everyone

Let's keep talking until we do understand each other.

Until every thread on estrangement is able to serve its individual purpose and support those who need it