Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

DerbyshireLass

Anyway thanks for listening. At least I can come on here and offload. You all get me and know the score, if I treated to explain to people who had had no experience they would have a hard time believing me.

As the old saying goes we have to walk in someone's shoes to really understand.

Anyway, I'm going to have a bite to eat and head off out later. Put it all behind me. My friend is good fun, it will do me good to get out.

Yes, we do have to walk in those shoes.

To distract slightly, I had (after various problems), 2 major strokes when I was 40, and ended up in a wheelchair for 2 years.

I wish I had a pound for every do gooder and counsellor that "knew" what I wanted and needed.?

They had never been there, but had the read the books though.?

I so slung them all out, and did things my way. I got out of that damn wheelchair, through a combination of methods, and although my health will always be flaky, I did things as I wanted.

You've got to be it to see it.

Dotcom

Me too?

Me too?

By gaps I mean

Teaching me about periods and the talk

Providing clothing

Necessities like sanitary things and deodorant

All on top of paying child support. She used to lie about getting it, splash out on expensive clothes that she hid in the back of the wardrobe in bags, then lie to my stepdad about later. (How much they were, bought in sales etc)

Dotcom

What a lot of love going to waste..my love for my daughter and you’re not getting much love from your mum Violet Sky.

I know, I did love her so much, I was desperate to earn hers.

I wish I had the relationship I see others enjoy.

My Dad is wonderful though and did fill lots of gaps

What a lot of love going to waste..my love for my daughter and you’re not getting much love from your mum Violet Sky.

DerbyshireLass

VS Yes, we can heal but we shouldn't have to, no one should.

I know

VS Yes, we can heal but we shouldn't have to, no one should.

My total so far

2 threads that had degenerated into personal attacks (no individuals reported)

1 fake profile

1 of my comments

1 of my threads

That's it

I learnt that if you report things, it gets the comment deleted and seems to just help people get away with it

Whiff

Summer love you are new here but very welcome .

I know the person from old and her help and compassion are worthless. It's just empty words and if she doesn't like what you say you get reported and tries to get you suspended . No doubt she has already reported me.

If you mean me, I have never reported you, or anything you have said about me.

Derbyshirelass you and I both know that it is possible to come out of an abusive childhood and heal.

Young people now have access to so much more help and resources than we did growing up too.

I can absolutely understand how worrying and frustrating it is, there are so many toxic elements in my family and children being born into that.

We just to hope that one day they find the right people to show them what love really is and help them move on from that.

Anyway thanks for listening. At least I can come on here and offload. You all get me and know the score, if I treated to explain to people who had had no experience they would have a hard time believing me.

As the old saying goes we have to walk in someone's shoes to really understand.

Anyway, I'm going to have a bite to eat and head off out later. Put it all behind me. My friend is good fun, it will do me good to get out.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

No, she has no power over me. But unfortunately she wields immense power over my son. He's like a frightened rabbit, caught in the glare of a cars headlights.

As for the grandchildren......I shudder to think. I've seen her in action with the eldest and believe me it's terrifying. Her rages are out of control. What will happen to them.

I had a narc father. I can guess what their lives will be like. My mother didn't protect me and I had no doting grandparents to offer me a safe haven. I did have a "pretend aunt". She was my lifeline but my grandchildren don't even have a pretend aunt, DIL has driven their great aunt (my sister) away.

As I've said before there's only me and my second son left. And I'm 71. I might not always be around.

DerbyshireLass

So true DL. It affects not just the immediate family but extended family, friends, acquaintances and even tradespeople, in my case my lovely plumber who has done work for me and both my sons,

Even he kept secrets from me, because he didn't want to worry me, things he witnessed at my eldest sons home, the way my DIL treats my son. He said my son seemed frightened of her. I think you can imagine how that makes me feel and why I have tried so hard to avoid estrangement so that I can there for him.

My sons brother and I are just about the only people left in his life. She has driven everyone else away - all the better to isolate and control him. Now, at times, he seems he is just as bad as she is. Its a living nightmare.

I can understand that. We started getting abusive texts from stepsons wife, who (seriously) hadn't got a clue what's been going on.

I cut her off at the pass, in my way, but she was blaming everyone for the way her alcoholic, gambling addiction husband behaves.

Well, sorry love, you married him...?

So true DL. It affects not just the immediate family but extended family, friends, acquaintances and even tradespeople, in my case my lovely plumber who has done work for me and both my sons,

Even he kept secrets from me, because he didn't want to worry me, things he witnessed at my eldest sons home, the way my DIL treats my son. He said my son seemed frightened of her. I think you can imagine how that makes me feel and why I have tried so hard to avoid estrangement so that I can there for him.

My sons brother and I are just about the only people left in his life. She has driven everyone else away - all the better to isolate and control him. Now, at times, he seems he is just as bad as she is. Its a living nightmare.

DerbyshireLass

VS to be honest I did feel hurt and insulted by your comments but I hope I have answered you politely. However, when I read your post, it did feel that you were judging me. It felt that you were accusing me of "meddling" and that I would make matters worse.

The reality is I should have "meddled" years ago. Both my second son and I have been far too tolerant, too forgiving and too ready to always play the peacemakers.

And look where it's got us. My DIL is a bully. Pure and simple. And there's only one way to deal with bullies.

If I am guilty of anything it's that I am guilty of not standing up to her years ago.

I'm sorry you felt hurt.

I just didn't want you to regret anything. Much better to rant here amd get it off your chest than take that risk.

There comes a point with bullies and abusive people that you just have to think, I see you, I know what you are, I know what you do, and you have no power or control over me.

I have mentioned before that my mother passed away when I was quite young. As a family we never discussed it on the anniversary of her death. It truly would never have occur to me to reach out to my father to check on him on that day. Just as he never checked on me. I celebrated and mourned my own way. It was a day for me- no one else.

So unless you know that pain any comments you make are worthless. And insulting you don't know what we or our children feel. I don't know how my children feel and it would be wrong of me to say so.

What an unkind comment made to someone who was trying to help and show compassion.

Smileless2012

In some ways DSL you feel the pain more for the way others in your life have been affected by your EAC, or the on off relationship you have with yours.

I'll never forget those times I literally held Mr. S. in my arms as he wept, my heart broke for him. I'm so sorry that your DS is being affected so badly. Bless his kind and loving heart for being prepared to give it another go.

We're convinced that the only reason DS is still in touch with his brother is because he lives in Aus., and I wouldn't be at all surprised if the bulk of their contact takes place when she isn't around.

really is the green eyed monster isn't it, and the monster that ripped our family apart.

Enjoy the film. We watched Mission Impossible 1 last night and for me trying to follow what was going on was a mission I found impossible. Still, always watching Tom Cruise is always a joy.

If it's us they don't want in their lives, way make their siblings suffer too Allsorts.

I think that's right. The pain of seeing those we love impacted by the behaviour of others, who are supposed to love them , can be unbearable.?

The trouble with estrangement is that everyone ends up affected by it, even those that have done nothing wrong.

VS to be honest I did feel hurt and insulted by your comments but I hope I have answered you politely. However, when I read your post, it did feel that you were judging me. It felt that you were accusing me of "meddling" and that I would make matters worse.

The reality is I should have "meddled" years ago. Both my second son and I have been far too tolerant, too forgiving and too ready to always play the peacemakers.

And look where it's got us. My DIL is a bully. Pure and simple. And there's only one way to deal with bullies.

If I am guilty of anything it's that I am guilty of not standing up to her years ago.

That's so sad Whiff. At least they got see her one last time. Not much comfort though.

Just heard from my brother his mother in law died yesterday. She had a fall in the home Friday night and was taken to hospital. They traveled down to see her yesterday and hadn't long got back home when the hospital phoned to say she died no long after they left . My heart is breaking for my sister in law and her dad. Like my mom dementia had killed a much love wife and mother but her body lived on.

smiles ....love the lodge, it looks heavenly.

Yesterday we went to a marina.....they have lodges there. Fabulous location, right by the water, set in woodland. It's tempting.

My sister in law lives in one in Scotland. Its so warm and cosy, I have visited her in February with snow on the ground but inside it was super toasty.

Smiles your lodge is beautiful . I can see why you love being there.

Only a widow can understand how another widow feels. Those who aren't widowed can't understand how it effects you. You not only lose a husband but half of yourself. Because if that person is your other half you never feel whole again. Doesn't matter if you have only been with that person a year or 50. I am not religious so can't say soul mate. But they complete you. Living everyday without that person can destroy you if you let it. All the widows here will understand that feeling. And how hard it is to get up every morning and know you are alone.

I would never dream of thinking what my children went through watching their dad die. I don't know that pain. Yes my dad died but he was 80 and he had enough. My husband had his whole life ahead of him and was looking forward to being a granddad and us growing old together.

So unless you know that pain any comments you make are worthless. And insulting you don't know what we or our children feel. I don't know how my children feel and it would be wrong of me to say so.