Estranging all family

Imaround
I admire that you have the strength and kindness to reconnect with your mother, because I know that whatever the circumstances there is no going back for me,
There has been no direct contact between us for more than twenty years, she is nothing to me.

If you look on estrangement and see what ordinary moms and dads suffer at times because of selfish, entitled grown up sons and daughters, no not Abusers, before that comes up again, it's heartbreaking. One day those people will be old and their children will have learnt the lesson that if someone, including mom or day irritates or is an inconvenience, you bin them, because that's what some do. From the outside looking in you can say If that's what they are like you are better off without them, also true, but it does the stop the love you felt when you had them and bought them up, it's called unconditional love which doesn't turn off like a tap as it does for some.

Allsorts
Blood is not necessarily thicker than water.
Just because a child is not being abused, does not mean that they are enjoying a happy childhood.
I feel I owe my mother nothing, she is an unkind, sometimes cruel woman, but most of all I simply don’t like her, and if she was honest, I suspect she would say the same about me.

It took a long time for us to realise that we are better off without our son and his wife in our lives. The detrimental affect on our physical and mental well being of being estranged, of hoping and praying that it would end, was not something that could be endured long term.

We learned that blood isn't thicker than water, and that even the relationship between a parent and child is not guaranteed to last forever. We have also learned the true meaning of unconditional love.

We don't like what our ES has done, what he's said and the person he's become but we love him and always will. That's not to say that I would ever want to be in contact with him again. The likelihood of him seeking reconciliation after more than 9.5 years is extremely unlikely as TBH, is the likelihood of me wanting to reconcile with him.

Not because the love isn't there, but because the fear of it happening again would be. Trust is a fundamental part of our personal relationships and when that trust is lost, for me it is lost forever.

I did estrange my ex MIL, many years ago, for valid reasons.

She had no relationship with my children after that, and I regret nothing - she was emotionally harmful to them.

But, I do not understand (unless there is a threat of physical violence), all this estrangement by text, email, letter, things rammed through letter boxes.?

If an AC feels strongly enough to cut off contact with parent/s, surely they must know why? All this "lots of things" is meaningless waffle.

It's cowardly not to tell people straight, to their faces.

Estrangement obviously causes hurt, and it just adds to it when people are left bemused and confused as to why.

The ACs may have valid reasons, and obviously many do, so they should just be honest.

That way a line is drawn, and everyone can get on with their lives.
.

I think my problems with guilt stem from the fact that my mother drove me to a nervous breakdown.

I asked for space at first because I was so stressed, depressed and anxious I was barely functioning, not estrangement but she wouldn't give it to me. I tried to get her involved in fixing our relationship but she just laughed in my face. What broke our relationship completely was when she said " we aren't going to sort this out are we" with a big happy grin on her face. I realised that there was no space for my needs in our relationship and it was her way or nothing so I chose nothing. It isn't what I wanted but it was the better choice for me and my children.

So while I was recovering from the nervous breakdown which took years, it was really hard to tell what was caused by the nervous breakdown and what was caused by the actual estrangement. Then when I was just starting to find my feet again and I had gone back into education and life was looking bright, the pandemic hit and unknown to me my thyroid was sending my hormones and metabolism crazy.

It's only now that my levels are good and I've worked for my dream job that I am finally feeling whole and strong again. I finally feel like myself. It is definitely a better self than it ever was in a relationship with her.

So maybe I just think I would be able to handle her if she was alone and needed help. Or maybe there is still a little guilt floating around because estrangement was the hardest thing I have ever done even if actually she caused it.

Maybe it is something I just don't need to think or worry about for now.

I worry that my DD is becoming controlling. We (her siblings and I) tread carefully around her.
I asked about her in-laws recently and her reply was "Who?" then followed an angry tirade of what awful people they are.
I was shocked.
Is there a way to avoid estrangement happening? Her DB has noticed and says she falls out with all her friends.
I suspect it is a sign that she is unhappy but I don't know how to remedy that.

Years ago a cousin of my DH cut herself off from both her parents around the time of their divorce. She changed her name and stopped appearing at family events. I hear in roundabout ways how she is faring. Her lawyer showed up at the will reading when her DF died. I can't imagine she is a happy person.

It sounds as though your DD has some problems, but unless she will talk to you, or someone else about what they are, there's not really much you can do.

I would ask her if she has a problem, and try and get her to open up, but if she won't, she will have to sort it out.

You can only do so much.?

Grammaretto

How does it impact your relationship and why are you worried it will lead to estrangement?

Everyone I controlling to a degree so it depends of it has crossed the lines into negatively impacting others.

Controlling behaviour usually means a person is trying to keep themselves safe.

The two main things that come to mind for me are severe anxiety or a personality disorder. Either of those has links to things that have gone wrong in life somewhere.

Be patient, meet her where she is, listen and understand, support any attempt she makes at improving her own mental health. Gently tell her if her behaviour is hurting you. Hopefully she will seek help when ready.

Hope thing improve for you

No, Grammaretto I'm sorry to say that I don't think there's a way to stop estrangement from happening. If that's what someone wants there's nothing you can do to stop it.

If that's what someone's partner wants, for them to estrange their parents and in many cases their entire family, there's nothing you can do about that either.

All you can do is be there for her, listen to her if and when she opens up with as much understanding and no judgement as possible.

I agree DiamondLily "lots of things" is meaningless waffle just like "issues"; could be a million things and could be nothing.

* Grammaretto* this may help. Stand Alone is a trusted resource and has lots of advice about preventing estrangement or reconciliation.

This is a good article www.standalone.org.uk/guides/parents/

Thankyou very much for the thoughtful insights. Smileless and VioletSky
It was the hearing she loses her friends easily that alerted me to think I may be next.
She gets very impatient with me and I can never say anything right! I get afraid to call her.

Smileless2012

No, Grammaretto I'm sorry to say that I don't think there's a way to stop estrangement from happening. If that's what someone wants there's nothing you can do to stop it.

If that's what someone's partner wants, for them to estrange their parents and in many cases their entire family, there's nothing you can do about that either.

All you can do is be there for her, listen to her if and when she opens up with as much understanding and no judgement as possible.

I agree DiamondLily "lots of things" is meaningless waffle just like "issues"; could be a million things and could be nothing.

It's all beyond me. Estrangement's fine, if that's what you need to do, but at least have the courage to face someone and tell them why.

I understand the OPs DD obviously has problems going on, but it's not always solved by estranging everyone. ?

My DH's younger son has been bouncing us in and out of estrangement for 18 years. Doesn't bother me, (on a personal level), but it makes my poor DH suffer.?

DH has finally turned the tables and told his son not to bother any more, as he didn't want to know. Enough was enough. ?

There's been a stunned silence, and lots of whining to other family members (who do know the whole saga, so are just shrugging at him).

Funny how stroppy they get when they lose control..?

That would have been very difficult for your DH DiamondLily but necessary. I sometimes wonder if some AC just assume that their parents are always going to be there, no matter what and your DH's son has demonstrated that with his "stunned silence, and lots of whining to other family members".

About 5 years ago on one of his very rare visits to his paternal GM so was more or less estranged along with everyone else, when his second son was about a year old, our ES was bemoaning the fact they hadn't had a decent nights sleep in 5 years, because they didn't have any family support!!! Well er you estranged the GP's who lived literally just down the road and with the best will in the world, the other GP's were never going to be hands on were they.

This must be very hard for you Grammeratto. The fear of being estranged was not something we ever had to deal with, it was all over so quickly we never saw it coming and TBH, until it happened, had never heard of parents being estranged by their own children.

There certainly appears to be a concerning pattern of behaviour with your D and it's horrible to get to the point where you're afraid to call your own child. That being the case, perhaps you could consider taking a step back, wait for her to call you. Not being readily available may help her to appreciate you more when you are there. I hope so .

Smileless....I don't think it will end there though, but I'm just exhausted with it.

A few months peace, without the abusive texts, and demands for money, will be welcome. ?

Honestly, some people are beyond belief.

I hope you can both enjoy the break from it all DiamondLily.

Sara, what a sad situation, it seems you and your mother want to be no contact, so no one is hurt as neither like the other.
Diamond Lil, just for a while leave your worries, every time they appear bat them out of the way and try to clear your head. I think your husband is right, in eighteen years you haven sorted it, so at least you will not be hoping. You can’t live a life like that.

Allsorts
It’s not sad, it was more sad when we were trying to force something that wasn’t there.

Sara1954, I realise you don’t feel sad about it at all. It was just my personal opinion that just to be in that position is very sad, that’s just how I feel. You and your mother to not be bothered is fine as it’s what you both want,

Allsorts
Sorry if I sounded snappy, I wasn’t meaning to be.
I know for some people it would never be an option, no matter what their situation.
But for me it’s been totally liberating.

Some relationships just don't work out. That's just how it is.

In a situation where both parties just let the other go, there is no guilt worry or sadness that needs to be carried

I wouldn’t say it was that simple Violetsky. She still hassles my husband to get me to visit, but has never contacted me directly.
She tells him she’s cut me out of her will, she obviously doesn’t know me very well if she thinks she can threaten me with that.

But to be honest, I’m pretty sure she’s happy to have me out of her life, she has my brother, the good child, down the road, and my children still visit.

I can’t think of a worse scenario than being in a room with her and trying to think of something to say.

We are just totally mismatched.

Sorry Sara, I didn't mean to suggest this has been easy for you

Oh Violetsky I wasn’t suggesting you were.
Just saying really, that although it’s over, it can never be completely over, if you see what I mean

Yes, I understand ?