Handling Duty/Obligation as the "estranger" ;

Great post Derbyshire lass. Your story confirms we have choices throughout our lives. The choice you made at 16 was empowering for you . You chose life x

Smileless2012

^jaw on the floor^ that's a very good way of describing how it feels when reality dawns DiamondLily.

Yes, there is no accounting for the way some of these ACs behave.

Reverting to being tantrum throwing toddlers when they don't get their own way.?

That sort of behaviour didn't work when my own children were toddlers, and it'll never work with me when adults pull the same stroke.?

jaw on the floor that's a very good way of describing how it feels when reality dawns DiamondLily.

I would have brained him I meant.

My adult step-son has certainly left my jaw on the floor, with his atrocious behaviour, over the last 18 years.

Thankfully, he's not my child - or it would have brained him..?

I never thought I was naive Hilltop, thought I was a good judge of character but was fooled for long enough for the damage to be done.

Once I realised what was going on, it was too late.

I am so sorry that some of you had parents and relatives that were in any way abusive. I was lucky, l now realise, that l didn't have that at all in my life. Every one was fair and supportive. That was why it was such a shock, l suppose,when a member brought into the family acted in a way l hadn't come across before.
And why l was so naive and unsuspecting of the trouble that came with her.
..

That's a great post DSL, positive and empowering .

Yes, between a rock and hard place describes my predicament at the time. I decided "better the devil you know". I was only 16, but even at that age I knew enough about the care system to be wary.

I could have jumped from the frying pan into the fire, I wasn't prepared to take the risk.

At the time I was at college. I decided to take control, I left college, gave up on further education or thoughts of going to university and got a job. Best thing I ever did. Earning my money lessened his power over me and gave me my first taste of freedom.

I didn't need to estrange, Instead I learned how to handle him. Financial independence was part of my strategy.

No regrets......yes my life would have been easier with a decent education although but I continued to educate myself and eventually went to university when I was 40.

I learned to stand on my own two feet and how to stand up to bullies. I have never been bullied by anyone since then. I learned how to fight back.

I refused to be a victim and I refused to let my childhood define me as an adult. I also refused to let anger and bitterness spoil my chances of a happy life. I chose happiness, I chose life.

I forged my own path, yes I made mistakes, mistakes that I wouldn't have made if I had had two loving parents to guide me. But I don't beat myself up over those mistakes.

My life has been fantastic, a wonderful marriage to the most amazing man, two healthy children, a nice home, an interesting career, I've travelled the world and had fun and adventures.

Now my amazing man is sadly dead but I'm happy enough. Life is good.

My father lived till he was 90. He reaped what he had sown. His life was not a happy one. I never deserted him, I helped him in his declining years, watched over him, made sure he was ok. He was cantankerous and difficult to the end and we never did have any "Golden Pond" moments.

But my conscience is clear. I was a good daughter even if he wasn't a good father.

You must have felt 'between a rock and a hard place' DSL, how awful for you.

I don't think you could compel someone to take on a child. It can't be in the best interests of the child to have a resentful caregiver.

I'm sorry you had that experience with your father, DSL. I could completely understand if you had nothing to do with him after that.

Mandrake. Thanks. I was just curious. I wondered if it had any bearing on Mia's situation, whether her aunt had been forced by law to bring up Mia.

I am not familiar with the care system, either here in the U.K. or the US.

When I was 16 my father beat me up. The doctor told me I could prosecute him but because. I was still a minor I risked being taken into care. I decided not to, decided it wasn't worth the risk.

DerbyshireLass

Mandrake

Smileless2012

What are those Mandrake?

A legal obligation on grown children to pay for the needs of an aging parent if they can't do so themselves. This can extend to bills, medical needs, care homes.

Thanks for the clarification, must confess I had no idea.

Would the same law apply to children who have lost their parents. Are extended families forced by law to assume all responsibility for the child.

I'm not a lawyer so have no idea. I suppose if no family takes responsibility for the child the state does via the foster care system?

Mandrake

Smileless2012

What are those Mandrake?

A legal obligation on grown children to pay for the needs of an aging parent if they can't do so themselves. This can extend to bills, medical needs, care homes.

Thanks for the clarification, must confess I had no idea.

Would the same law apply to children who have lost their parents. Are extended families forced by law to assume all responsibility for the child.

My husband has said he will not pay a cent towards his parents elder costs while they own three properties. As far as he's concerned, they can sell two of the three first. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

I was also thinking DiamondLily that it's hard enough getting parents to financially support their children when the family breaks down.

As you say, the older generation is often faced with the prospect of selling their own homes.

Oh, well, thankfully, we don't have that in the UK. Older people may have to sell their homes, but no one is legally responsible for their care financing.

Thanks Mandrake, I bet that doesn't go down very well and must be difficult to enforce.

Smileless2012

What are those Mandrake?

A legal obligation on grown children to pay for the needs of an aging parent if they can't do so themselves. This can extend to bills, medical needs, care homes.

What are those Mandrake?

Those in the US, I believe some states have filial responsibility laws. Have you considered this?

Our DS is in Aus. and as we're estranged from his brother, it isn't going to arise for us either DiamondLily and TBH I can't think of anything worse, for our DS or us.

Same here Diamond Lily.

MiaZadora81 I think it’s a little glib to post such an emotive thread and then expect us to put our preferred ice cream flavour.

“I have been estranged from my daughter and grandchildren for over 10 years, it breaks my heart and life feels meaningless.
However I’m partial to a mint choc chip ice cream”.

I didn't have my children to be carers to me! ?

I'm independent, as is DH, and if we need extra help, we pay for it.

If we have hospital appointments we either drive or get taxis.

I'm determined never to burden my daughter with having to look after me. I did it for my parents for years, and it's draining. My son lives abroad, so it wouldn't arise.

I had children because I wanted them. No other reason.