Hello All! I wanted to share my experience as an estranged son.
I was not abused as a child. On the contrary, my sibling and I have always felt I was the Golden Boy in my mother’s eyes. My mother will claim to have treated us equally at all times, but this is far from true. I do and have always loved my mum with all my heart. I cannot, however, say that I like the person she is. This became front and center when my wife came into the picture.
I must admit, much of the blame lies at my feet. My mother has always had the kind of personality that projects kindness on the surface, her mean-spirited behavior was always there. I should have been more protective of my wife and our relationship much earlier. There is too much to write, so I will try to truncate the build-up to estrangement from my parents.
Over time I began to notice a weird “competition” my mum seemed to have with my wife. It was hard for her to not be the “no. 1” woman in my life anymore, and she showed it through passive aggression and outright aggression toward my wife. My wife couldn’t take it anymore and vented to me one night when she was pregnant with our oldest. I was defensive; my mum was my mum. But I knew inside my wife wasn’t exaggerating as my mum would accuse her of. Constant criticism in the form of backhanded compliments, mostly said with me out of earshot. Attempts to steamroll her when it came to the baby. I witnessed an incident when our first child was unwell as a baby. My wife asked for him back to soothe him. My mum would shoo her away. Happened multiple times until my wife began standing up for herself. I had to intervene myself on an occasion. Constantly offering her unsolicited opinion on who should care for our child when we returned to work. Was critical of the way my wife fed our child. Refused to change her clothes after smoking while basically demanding to hold our baby. Coming over unannounced regularly because she had “rights” to her grandchild. Demanding we set up a regular schedule for visits. Making me feel awful and emotionally blackmailing with tears when I wouldn’t pressure my wife to comply with her wishes. I feel awful for how cowardly I was with her to this day. She experienced some post partum depression when my oldest was 6 months. I was young and inexperienced and did not support her as best I could. Didn’t know how. My mum knew this an tried to exploit it. She became quite cold to my wife and could not fathom that my priority was my own nuclear unit. I didn’t see her as often as she liked and she blamed my wife.
But none of that made me even imagine cutting off contact. The worst of the behavior started when she began to resent my wife standing up for herself and holding her boundaries. Our boundaries. My mum would get my dad involved. My dad has always allowed my mum to run the show to the point of being an enabler of her mistreatment. They sat me down one day and asked if they could start seeing me at least once a week with the baby…and without my wife. They started going on and on about how I’ve changed. How my wife was tearing our family apart. Starting talking absolute nonsense about how they think she drains me. My wife has been my best friend since before we had a first date. That’s when my eyes opened completely. I told them straight out that my family unit was an all or nothing group. That it was horrible and inappropriate of them to even consider asking me to exclude my wife. That no relationship with her child will be had without her. I left and decided to put space between my parents and my family for a bit. During that time, I struggled from the stress of being a new dad, being a supportive husband, and being a good son. In a moment of weakness, I called my mum to smooth things over. Admittedly I responded with great anger during our last conversation, so I apologized for the manner in which I expressed myself but not the sentiment. I didn’t apologize for what I said, only how it was said. I also vented about a private matter between my wife and I. Worst betrayal I have ever done to my wife. My mum pounced on it and shared even though she promised never to. She started telling family and family friends terrible things about my wife. Many many lies. Much of the gossip got back to us. Apparently she had this creepy fantasy idea that I would leave my wife, take our child and move back with my parents. As if we’d just play happy family. When I confronted her she of course lied. I was incensed. There were things that got back to us that could only have come from her because she was the only living soul I spoke to about a particular incident. My wife was crushed. She considered separation because of the betrayal. My mum called my parents in law to bash my wife, saying she was wrecking our family. My parents in law rightfully told my mum never to call them gossiping about their daughter again. So she went around bashing them behind their backs as well. I asked her to apologize to us and she refused. She lied and continued to blame my wife for the row. I told her my family needed space and that until an honest accounting can be done, we needed distance. She then began getting others involved. My dad and sibling were first to do her bidding, attempting to make me view my wife as the problem. Then aunts, uncles, grans etc. I began to distance from them all because they couldn’t respect that I had no desire to discuss the situation with them, that it was inappropriate for them to insert themselves in what did not involve them. I would have been perfectly happy to maintain ties with those relatives if they only respected my right to protect my wife and child and dictate who I allow in our lives. But naturally, the story is “she’s isolating him from his family”. I was tired of my wife being everyone’s punching bag. I chose her over them because my loyalty should and always will be with her. Many years and 3 children later, I have no relationship with my parents. They don’t know my children. I’d be open to reconciliation if they’d only admit how horribly my wife was treated and apologize. Apologize for trying to come between us. But they won’t. To this day, they slander us to any and all. I don’t care. The four people who love me most in this world are the family I created. I’d choose my wife every single time. My children are happy and not deprived of any love whatsoever. They are close with my parents in law. They are a loss to my parents, not the other way around. Our family members who chose not to take sides are close with the kids. They have our best friends. I guess the reason I am posting is because estrangement is always only “justified” by some if there is childhood abuse. Well those who think that are wrong. Adults must respect other adults. It doesn’t matter if you are parent or son/daughter. I don’t even use the oxymoron of term ‘Adult Child’. I will always be their son. I will always love them. But I will protect my nuclear unit from toxicity no matter the source. That doesn’t make me a bad or indecent person. Just because I wasn’t abused as a child doesn’t mean me choosing no contact/estrangement is wrong.
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