6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

DiamondLily

I think it would help if some EPs and ACs didn't try to be enmeshed so much in each other's lives.

Both lots should have their own lives, friends, and interests.

That way, neither side feels an obligation to meet up x times a week, no matter what. Or to be available for babysitting, no matter what.

Neither side should expect anything at all. Far better to just go with the flow.

Respect, courtesy and consideration should also play a big part.

This is excellent. Very true.

@Norah, agreed!

Compromise isn’t always appropriate or necessary. For example, if a young family only has the bandwidth to visit with grans and extended family once a month, and grans and extended family want every other weekend, the grans and extended family must accept that the once a month visit is what is available. In my case, my mum wanted us there twice a week including every Sunday. This was unreasonable. Her “compromise” was then me and the baby visiting without my “problematic” wife. This was not her decision to make. Not everything is a group decision. There are things in life that do not warrant discussion or input from those outside of a relationship/marriage/nuclear unit. It’s simply the right thing to do to accept this fact. Asking for compromise on things that you know are not your decision to make it disrespectful to the other party. When the other party has made you aware of this, and you persist for “compromise”, you cross the line into controlling behavior. It’s totally unreasonable in many situations to expect adults to rearrange their lives, often much to the detriment of the needs and obligations of their own nuclear units, so that you may feel fulfilled. Going with the flow, enjoying the relationship during the time spent together is the better approach to life. My parents in law’s approach has really opened my eyes. We don’t see them more than once a month but there is a lot of love there and they do not pressure my wife. They understand we have pretty busy lives with my business, and the kids have lots of activities. So they cheris the time we have. My MIL is so different from my mum and it is sad.

Norah, my comment wasn’t directed specifically at adult children. I was responding to Diamond Lily’s reflections on what seems like reluctance to compromise, which I said I see in many areas of life.
Your position seems to be ‘why should adults compromise?’ Unless there are specific reasons why not- why shouldn’t they?

their GC not there

Compromise is what adults do isn't it? We make them in the majority of our adult relationships and no one's suggesting that it's only AC who do and should make them.

There are so many issues that compromises can be made on, how often GP's see there GC is just one.

Perhaps even though we seem to talk more Iam we're not having the conversations we need to have with the people we need to be having them with.

Curious, why should adults need to make compromises to their own approach?

Say AC don't want to see GPs more than 4 times a year, why should they compromise? Why is it down to the AC is wrong doing as they desire? Who chooses (say) frequency of visits? It seems to me the persons who have time being imposed upon should be allowed to choose the schedule.

Apply this thought to any contentious situation.

Why is compromise more difficult, as we do all seem to talk more? It’s played out on news interviews, phone ins like the awful Vine show where he gets people with opposing views shouting at each other. It’s often seen on gransnet, views quickly polarised with no room in the middle, or for compromise.
My parents generation had a ‘get on with it’ approach to life, which many of us have found helped us through difficulties. Can’t change it, will worrying make it different - no, ok I’ll do my best and get on with it.
I’m reflective, can be introspective but getting on with it has helped me through many of life’s challenges . So has compromise

No, they're not malicious, usually..

It's just some people have a fixed view on how life should be, and when it doesn't pan out that way, things start going wrong.

EPs have their expectations, and ACs have theirs. Ideally, both should meet in the middle, taking each other into account.

We all talk far more now, but compromise seems more difficult at times.

I agree DL.

Mismatched expectations aren't always malicious, wanting control and wanting to be front and centre of someone's life they're simply about expecting something that for the other, isn't what they want to do or give.

When that's the case, people need to talk and understand that compromise is needed.

I think it would help if some EPs and ACs didn't try to be enmeshed so much in each other's lives.

Both lots should have their own lives, friends, and interests.

That way, neither side feels an obligation to meet up x times a week, no matter what. Or to be available for babysitting, no matter what.

Neither side should expect anything at all. Far better to just go with the flow.

Respect, courtesy and consideration should also play a big part.

I think mismatched expectations is one of the most important Norah, they happen so often don't they.

Norah

The six points are fine.

I think adding "mismatched expectations" would round it out.

Look to the post where a person is seemingly upset because their AC Son says "Hi" and "Bye".. obviously enough for that son and not enough for Mum.

Or look to the post involving a daughter who "goes out" with friends instead of with mum... obviously good for the daughter and I see no effect on Mum .. presumably Mum has her own friends?

Look to the posts involving GP who want more time with their busy AC and GC.. people give what they can and need not be badgered.

Look to the posts complaining about money and gifts with strings attached. Gifts should have no strings.

*All mismatched expectations.*

Hmm some great points Norah!

Mismatched expectations is also very relatable to me, particularly the wanting more time than what is available. My mum would demand we’d have dinner with my parents on regularly scheduled days and times after our first was born. At least twice a week. I would try to make it by myself prior to the pregnancy at least once a week, but obviously becoming a new dad it wasn’t sustainable. She expected that we’d comply no matter what was going on in life. When the baby came, she was extremely pushy and would regularly guilt us about not being able to make it every week. My wife was dealing with PPD, and my mum began blaming her for “separating” the family. Another example is when she’d “pop by” unannounced because she didn’t think she’d have to if she just wanted to spend time with her grandbaby. In hindsight, I realize my mum had a vision of how she thought our family would run once she became a gran. It included her still basically running the show. I realize now that she viewed us not as our own family, but merely extensions of herself. She even wanted us to run things by her such as how the nursery was set up, how to feed the baby, childcare etc. She expected much more involvement than what was acceptable. Obviously, it wasn’t realistic but those were her expectations Vs ours. Conflict ensued when her expectations were not met.

Great post Norah!

The six points are fine.

I think adding "mismatched expectations" would round it out.

Look to the post where a person is seemingly upset because their AC Son says "Hi" and "Bye".. obviously enough for that son and not enough for Mum.

Or look to the post involving a daughter who "goes out" with friends instead of with mum... obviously good for the daughter and I see no effect on Mum .. presumably Mum has her own friends?

Look to the posts involving GP who want more time with their busy AC and GC.. people give what they can and need not be badgered.

Look to the posts complaining about money and gifts with strings attached. Gifts should have no strings.

All mismatched expectations.

Glad to see you back Iam64, your posts are always well respected, particularly on subjects such as estrangement and relationships, because of your vast working experiences in the field. I also looked at the article provided but thought it pandered to confirmation bias, and gave some fairly stereotypical examples/advice that I didn't much impress me as a useful resource. Each to their own though.

Chewbacca

^Followed up by us with a swift "sod off, you're getting nothing".^ ?

I think my neighbours were a little more forthright Diamond!

Well, I did modify the phrase for this site lol ?

I didn't want to offend anyone's sensibilities ?

@NanaPge

I can understand what you mean. I am not blaming her at all, but I feel I’d have woken up to mum’s controlling, bulldozing behavior earlier if my wife had spoken up before things got so horrid. She attempted to keep peace by ignoring and not putting me “in the middle”. Still, it’s mainly my failure as a husband that allowed the rift to fester. I too should have spoken up to my mother when I saw the little things. The dictatorial manner of speaking when addressing my wife about plans she had with our son. The constant push back and contradiction about things regarding our son that truly she shouldn’t have offered opinions on at all. My dad, my brother, me were all so used to the behavior that it had to be brought to my attention that not everyone was used to it. My wife eventually refused to accept having to “fall in line” with our Queen Bee. Prior to starting to gently assert herself, she suffered the bullying silently until finally communicating to me at least some of the issues. It got worse naturally with the birth of our oldest boy. But I probably would not have allowed it to get to that point if I had fully realized the impact of my mum’s bullying.

Iam64

Thank you DL. I hope I’ve made it clearer.
It does tend to confirm how easy it is to fall out on the estrangement boards.

VioletSky - I’m not a fan really

Makes sense

Followed up by us with a swift "sod off, you're getting nothing". ?

I think my neighbours were a little more forthright Diamond!

Thank you DL. I hope I’ve made it clearer.
It does tend to confirm how easy it is to fall out on the estrangement boards.

VioletSky - I’m not a fan really

Can't think of a worse source of tension between AC and parents than threatening and abusive demands for money DL.

He's communicating his demands and you're communicating your response. "sod off, you're getting nothing" well you can't be any clearer than that can you.

* Should say what you were getting at, not what we're getting at. Predictive text....?

Iam64

And made me laugh DL for which I thank you

Yep, there's not much of the old touchy-feely in our communications with stepson.

It's demanding, threatening and abusive texts to give him money for alcohol and gambling.

Followed up by us with a swift "sod off, you're getting nothing". ?

I understood what we're getting at in your post, can't think why it was misunderstood. ?

Iam what did you think of the article I shared in the OP?

I thought it was quite good

I am a bit of a fan of Peg Streep and currently reading one of her books which is really helpful

I was unsure Iam

Thank you for clarifying your meaning

And made me laugh DL for which I thank you